Ep 138: Decoding Boys

Cara Natterson, author of Decoding Boys, shares her insights into
raising boys--from silent phases, to gaming, to late bloomers, to
pornography use, as a pediatrician Cara has seen it all!


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Full show notes


We think we know how puberty works. Kids grow hair everywhere,
wake up 2 feet taller than the night before, and suddenly start
wanting to go on dates to the mall without any supervision! But
there’s actually a lot to puberty that most parents don’t know
about. Did you know, for example, that puberty can begin as early
as age seven in some girls? Or that male puberty is almost
totally contained to testicular growth for the first few months
or even years?


If we don’t properly learn about puberty, we can’t teach our kids
what they need to know. During this confusing period, teens can
use all the help they can get. By making an effort to really
understand all the ins and outs of puberty, we can give them the
tools to get through adolescence and out to the other side.


Our guest this week, Cara Natterson, is here to clue us into all
the latest research about coming of age. She’s a pediatrician,
consultant, speaker, and bestselling author of multiple books on
parenting and health! Her latest book is titled Decoding Boys:
New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons. This book
sheds light on tons of misconceptions about puberty, especially
for young men.


Cara drops all sorts of fascinating facts and helpful tips in
today’s episode. She explains why some teens go quiet during
puberty, and how you can break through this barrier to connect
with them. We also discuss how puberty starts much earlier than
we usually think, and get into the psychology behind why teens
act impulsively.


Breaking Through to Silent Teens


One day, our kids are telling us everything, and the next,
they’re totally shutting us out. Many kids enter puberty and
become totally guarded, feeling like they can’t open up to anyone
about all the changes they are experiencing. Oftentimes, parents
think they should reciprocate this distance, and just let teens
ride it out on their own. However, Cara advises parents to do the
opposite.


According to Cara, letting teens drift too far away sends them
the message that you aren’t interested in hearing about their
struggles–even if you were just trying to respect their
boundaries. This can be dangerous, because it allows a wall to
grow between the two of you. Then, later down the line when it’s
time for a serious talk about drugs, dating or sex, you may find
you can’t break down the barrier that’s formed from so much
silence.


There’s no easy way to initiate contact with a teen who’s been
avoiding you, especially when you need to discuss uncomfortable,
puberty-related matters. However, if you don’t brief them on
these subjects, their only sources of information will be their
friends and the media–which can both be bad influences. In the
episode, Cara emphasizes the power of perseverance when it comes
to striking up these conversations. She breaks down why it’s
valuable to have discussions about puberty early in kids’ lives,
and explains about how you can talk with teens instead of at
them.


It’s important to have these chats early because, as Cara and I
discuss, puberty starts earlier than most parents think.


The True Puberty Timeline


Most parents assume that the puberty process begins around age
thirteen or fourteen. They believe this because this is when they
witness kids starting growth spurts, periods, and hairy armpits.
But Cara busts this misconception, explaining how puberty starts
around nine or ten for boys and as early as seven for girls. A
lot of the time we don’t notice this because we don’t physically
see it happening, but their hormones and brain chemistry have
already started to change.


Cara explains in the episode that puberty has begun starting
earlier and earlier over the past thirty to forty years. Research
is still being done as to why this is, but Cara points to changes
in diet and lifestyle as contributing factors. And although the
timeline is starting younger, she clarifies that it still moves
at the same speed. This means girls still get their periods
around age twelve and boys develop deeper voices around age
thirteen.


One interesting topic Cara touches on is how to help a late or
early bloomer through this tricky period. In the episode, Cara
and I delve into the ways this delayed or accelerated growth can
continue to affect people far beyond puberty. We also talk about
when it’s time to see a pediatrician to check out your teen’s
puberty progress, and whether or not you should allow your teen
to take estrogen or testosterone to kickstart the process.


As aforementioned, Puberty often starts with changes in the
brain. In the episode, Cara and I get deeper into some teen
psychology. We talk about addiction, and touch on why teens seem
to act without rational consideration.


Understanding the Teenage Brain


Teenagers brains are still developing. That means that even
though they often want to be treated like adults, they’ve still
got a ways to go before they get there. Cara and I discuss how
these developing teenage brains work differently than adult
minds, and why teens are more inclined to get into trouble than
grown men and women.


When teens experience some kind of stimulus or face a decision,
their brain sends a signal to two different parts of the brain:
the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system is
the center of the brain’s emotional thinking, while the
prefrontal cortex helps individuals make rational, informed
choices. For teenagers, the limbic system responds almost three
thousand times faster than the brain of a fully grown adult. This
means that their first impulse is always to act on their
emotions, leaving rational thinking to come later.


How can we keep teens from acting without logic? In the episode,
Cara elaborates on some methods for teens to incorporate rational
decision making into their lives. Oftentimes, the solution is as
simple as breathing in and counting to ten before acting. If they
can wait for the rational part of their brain to catch up, they
can make wiser decisions.


Cara and I also talk about how the teenage noggin is in the
process of pruning it’s neural pathways., preparing for
adulthood. This means that your teen’s brain is deciding which
habits and patterns will be important to stick to as they move
into adult life, and which one’s they should dispose of. We talk
extensively in our interview about how this often leads to
addiction problems or starts teens off on bad paths that they
continue on for the rest of their lives.


In the Episode…


Cara’s extensive knowledge on puberty is life saving when it
comes to understanding your teen’s experiences. In addition to
the topics mentioned above, we also cover:


The body image insecurities that young men face

How to help your kids avoid peer pressure by taking the blame

What aspects of gaming parents should be concerned about

How pornography effects boys’ ideas about sex and intimacy



Although puberty is scary for teens and parents, educating
ourselves can help. If you enjoyed listening to Cara spe...