Ep 140: Helping Teens Thrive

Dr. Michele Borba, author of Thrivers and Unselfie, offers up
research-based ways to help teens thrive. We’ll delve into some
of the seven key traits parents can teach their teen to set them
up for success.





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Full show notes


We would do anything for our kids to be successful. That’s why we
sign them up for SAT prep classes, make sure they practice piano
every day and watch their report cards like hawks. If they can
get good test scores they can go to a good college, then get a
job with benefits until hopefully they don’t need us at all
anymore! So long as we ensure their meeting the marks
academically, we’re giving them everything they could ever
need...right?


Well, not quite. When we look at the research, we find that kids
with the highest grades aren’t necessarily the most successful.
Those deemed “gifted” don’t always become lawyers and CEOs if
they don’t know how to work hard or persevere through adversity.
In fact, when interviewed, kids in generation Z often feel like
they’ve just been brought up as a product to fulfill certain
standards–not as a well rounded human being.


How can we raise kids to not just fit the bill of academic
perfection, but actually find lasting success and happiness? In
other words, how can we help them thrive? Our guest today,
Michele Borba is here to answer that very question. She’s the
author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle
and Others Shine. After conducting years of research, she's
discovered the key traits of the world’s most prosperous people.
She’s here today to tell parents how they can pass along the
recipe for a bountiful and fulfilling life to their kids.


In our interview, she explains how you can guide teens to
discover their core assets to ensure they’re on the pathway to
prosperity. We also discuss how you can instill strong values in
your teen and why it’s important for teens to have a high level
of agency in their everyday lives.


Helping Your Teen Find their Super Power


As a parent, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of trying to correct
a kid's faults instead of encouraging them to pursue their
strengths. We want kids to be their best selves, but sometimes
hyper fixating on their problems can be much less helpful than
cheering on their natural gifts. Later in life when they’re
trying to pick a college or a career, they’ll find themselves
drowning in strength assessments or find themselves in an
interview, being asked what they do best, says Michele. If we
don’t help them discover their abilities, they won’t even know
where to start!


Michele encourages parents to help kids identify their core
assets, or their most prominent passions and skills. She suggests
that parents sit down and ask themselves: what do my kids do
well? What do I see them prioritizing frequently? Where are they
naturally inclined? You might find the answer lies in a hobby.
While some think of hobbies as mere distractions, Michele
believes they’re extremely powerful in allowing kids to discover
themselves. Hobbies help teens develop perseverance, and
challenge them to strive for improvement.


When you do figure out what it is that your kids do best, Michele
advises against giving them trophies and accolades. These things
only lead to self absorption, she says. Instead, she suggests
simply acknowledging how skilled or talented they are, giving
them an extra boost of confidence. Although you may not see it,
your encouragement means a lot. With some kind words from you,
they’ll feel ready to take on the world, says Michele.


Along with giving them the confidence to succeed, Michele
emphasizes the importance of passing down values to your kids.
When you’re not around, these guiding principles will help kids
get themselves out of sticky situations and lead their best
lives.


Instilling Strong Values in Teens


Helping teens develop strong values comes down to how you talk to
them when they behave badly, says Michele. When kids are acting
up, it can be easy to just tell them to knock it off and leave it
at that. But Michele proposes linking your scolding with a
positive value. Instead of just calling your kid a trouble-maker
and imparting punitive measures, Michele recommends guiding kids
to examine what their less-than-stellar behavior might say about
the content of their character.


Michele lays out some steps you can take when encouraging your
teen to think through their actions, which she calls “name,
frame, and reclaim.” It starts by defining what you stand for as
a parent, what lines you won’t allow kids to cross. Then, when
kids do cross the line, she says call them on it, and name
exactly how they’ve violated your family’s principles. Michele
emphasizes the value of demonstrating to kids why their actions
are wrong, and then giving them the power to explain how they’ll
handle the situation differently next time.


This method leads kids to internalize a value system, explains
Michele. This is more important than reminding teens of whatever
rule they broke, as these principles are what will stick with
them as they move through life, Michele says. When challenged by
forces like peer pressure, kids will have a code of ethics to
keep them from falling into bad situations. In the episode,
Michele and I discuss how important it can be to be repetitive
about these values, to make sure they really stick in kids’
heads.


Beyond just skills and values, kids need to develop some
independence before they’re out on their own. If they’re thrown
into life without having a sense of self sufficiency, they may
come crawling back to the nest. In the episode, Michele and I
detail how you can help kids find agency, even while they’re
still living under your roof.


Fostering a Sense of Agency


Michele believes teens who have an attitude of self sufficiency
are headed for brighter futures. Teenagers who think parents or
teachers will pick up their slack and solve their problems are
not likely to find themselves on the path to success any time
soon, says Michele. That being said, it isn’t easy to raise teens
who can always fend for themselves.There’s a fine line between
imbuing independence and leaving teens to the wolves.


If you want to raise empowered teens, Michele says to start
small. Start with the basics. Maybe they can start by taking care
of the dog all on their own. Show kids what to do, giving them
constructive criticism, Michele says. She recommends slowly
building to bigger steps, like letting them stay at home with the
dog alone on the weekend. The goal, Michele explains, is to
stretch kids like a rubber band, gradually giving them the
practice they need to expand their abilities over time.


If kids mess up along the way, that’s ok too. In the episode,
Michele and I talk about how essential it is that we allow kids
to fail. Kids who are comfortable failing are comfortable taking
risks and thinking outside the box, meaning they’re ready to
deliver innovative ideas and find creative solutions for the
world’s most pressing problems.


In the Episode….


We’ve only scratched the surface of all the amazing content in
this interview. Michele was a joy to have as a guest this week
and had so much to teach us! We also talk about:


How kids exhibit different kinds of empath...