Ep 151: Is Your Teen’s Attachment Style Causing Problems?

Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, shares insight
into how attachment styles might be at the root of a distant or
dramatic teen--or any relationship problems for that matter!
Learn your teen’s attachment style to understand how to prepare
them for adulthood.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


It’s important for our teens to connect to others. When we send
our kids off into the world, we want to know that they’ll be able
to bond with friends, work associates, and romantic partners.
Since we won’t be around all the time, we hope that they can find
nourishing, fulfilling relationships with other people! But some
young adults aren’t quite able to form those types of
connections. They become too clingy or distant, trying to force
people in or push people out. Not every teen has the capability
to maintain healthy relationships!


And while the teen years are influential, attachment styles are
usually developed in the first three years of a child’s
life–meaning it’s not always easy to help teens who are
struggling to form strong bonds. But if we can educate ourselves
and our families about the psychology of attachment, we can guide
teens to recognize their own patterns. If we give them the
ability to analyze their own behavior, they can work towards
creating the positive friendships and romantic relationships they
deserve.


In this week’s episode, we’re talking to Peter Lovenheim, author
of The Attachment Effect: Exploring the Powerful Ways Our
Earliest Bond Shapes Our Relationships and Lives. Peter is a
journalist and author who dedicated six years to interviewing
experts and scouring publications to understand the ins and outs
of how we bond to one another! Now, he’s here to touch on some
fascinating facts about relationships, attachments, and more.


Today, we’re getting into the different styles of attachment:
secure, avoidant, and anxious–and talking about what parents can
do to help teens who have difficulty with friendships or early
romantic partners. Pate and I are also sharing the strengths and
weaknesses of each kind of attachment, and why it can be so
important to help teens discover their own personal tendencies
when it comes to forming bonds with others.


The Three Different Attachment Styles


Everyone is unique and there are so many factors that determine
the nature of a relationship, but Peter defines three different
types of attachment we can use to help define and understand our
connections to others: secure, avoidant, and anxious. These
patterns of bonding are created when we’re infants, but continue
to affect us throughout our adult lives. About 95% of us can be
grouped into one of these three categories.


It all depends on our relationship with our primary caregiver
during our first three years of life, says Peter. Those who
receive protection and care from a trusted adult typically
develop a secure attachment style. These folks are able to create
and maintain healthy boundaries with friends and partners,
experience trust and intimacy, and handle setbacks in life with
confidence and self assurance. About 55% of people fall into this
category, says Peter.


But someone who experiences little to no affection or protection
from a caregiver might find themselves with an avoidant
attachment style. Instead of comfortably being vulnerable with
others, people with avoidant attachment patterns shy away from
intimacy, says Peter. They are often so self sufficient that they
won’t let anyone else close to them. Those who receive
inconsistent care can develop an anxious attachment style. This
means they might feel nervous that their partner will leave or
experience a constant rollercoaster of feeling desired and
unwanted, Peter explains.


In the episode, Peter and I discuss how even if a parent gives
plenty of time and attention to their child, the child can still
develop anxious or avoidant patterns of attachment. It’s not
black and white! He insists that parents shouldn’t be angry with
themselves if their teen exhibits traits of insecure attachment.
Instead, he suggests that they help teens understand their own
patterns so they can live their best lives.


Helping Teens Get In Tune with Their Attachment


If you want your teen to form healthy relationships, helping them
define their attachment patterns is a good place to start! Peter
suggests they take a simple, five minute attachment quiz, widely
available online, or talk to a psychologist for a professional
diagnosis. Once you figure out if a teen has secure, anxious, or
avoidant tendencies, there are so many ways you can use that
information to help them, says Peter.


Even though these patterns are developed in early life, they
often start to reveal themselves around the teen years when kids
have their first romantic relationships or serious, long term
friendships. By helping teens understand attachment patterns,
they’ll be able to understand why they broke up with their
boyfriend for the sixth time this week or why their latest BFF is
being sooooo dramatic!


Plus, these styles of attachment factor into other parts of
teenage life, says Peter. For a teen with an avoidant attachment
style, playing on a soccer team with a bunch of their peers can
be pretty difficult. These teens are often better suited to track
and field or swimming, where they can make the most of their
independence.


Peter and I get into a conversation about dating, and he gives
tips for how teens or parents can figure out someone’s attachment
style from just a first date. Interestingly, we also discuss how
attachment has changed in the 21st century, and why we should be
cautious about the role technology plays in our relationships
with our kids.


Attachment in the Digital Age


As a parent raising a kid in today's tech-filled world, you might
be nervous about your teen getting too much screen time. Although
smartphones and laptops allow us to connect with those who are
miles away or even meet new friends online, they can also isolate
us from each other. Peter and I discuss a recent study which
found that kids today are twice as likely to have anxious or
avoidant attachment styles...and Peter suspects that our digital
gadgets have something to do with it.


For a kid to develop secure attachment, says Peter, they have to
have to have more than just time with a parent–that parent must
be attuned to that kid’s every behavioral tendency. His worry for
today’s parents is that phones, TVs and computers might be acting
as a distracting force, keeping that attunement from developing
between kids and parents. In the episode, we discuss how you can
guide your kids towards healthy attachment, even if your devices
tend to get in the way.


In the end, Peter says parents shouldn’t beat themselves up if
they notice that their teen has some trouble with attachment.
There are so many factors–everything from birth order to
economics affects a child’s attachment patterns. Peter’s advice
is to help kids become self aware and understand how they act in
relationships or how they respond to setbacks in life. If they
can do this, they’ll have a brighter future ahead of them.


In the Episode….


Peter’s fascinating findings about attachment are helpful to any
parent who wants to help their kid form healthier relationships.
O...