Ep 153: Initiate Change In Your Teen (Using DBT)

Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable Child, dishes on how
to handle defiant, unruly teens. His practical tips based in DBT
all start with one simple step, that’s sometimes harder than it
sounds: acceptance!


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Full show notes


Falling into a destructive cycle with your teen is far too
easy–and incredibly frustrating. You yell at them to stop coming
home late every night, or beg them to stop neglecting their
homework for their Netflix….but they just don’t listen. Even
offering rewards or doling out punishments never seems to work.
It can feel like you’re living the same day over and over again,
with no end in sight!


On top of feeling like your words are falling on deaf ears, all
the fussing and fighting can start to put a strain on you and
your teen’s relationship. It’s hard when you feel like you and
your kid are enemies, or like the two of you are always bickering
instead of connecting with one another. How can we get kids to
listen, while also keeping our relationships harmonious?


If we really want to end the cycle and connect to our teens
again, we’ll have to change the fundamentals of our approach. Our
guest this week is Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable
Child: Understand and Manage Your Child's Disruptive Moods with
Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills. Matis has been working as a
clinical psychologist for over fifteen years, and has some
groundbreaking ideas about how you can transform your parenting
philosophy to bring peace to your home again.


Are you familiar with dialectic behavioral therapy? In this
week’s episode, Matis and I are breaking down this fascinating
method of clinical therapy, and sharing how you can apply it to
tackle your toughest parenting battles. We’re also talking about
how judgement and invalidation might be harshing your parenting
approach, and discussing how you can dish out more effective
rewards and punishments.


The Power of Perspective


Sometimes, fixing even the most challenging parenting problems
starts with a small change of perspective. In our interview,
Matis tells us all about dialectical behavioral therapy: a
clinical approach to changing behavior which starts with a shift
in mindset. This method calls upon the parents to stop begging
teens to change, and start looking at the causes of teen’s
upsetting habits instead. Matis explains that dialectical therapy
encourages parents to accept teen’s behavior while also striving
for change–even if those two things appear contradictory.


But what does that really mean? First, Matis explains, we need to
ditch anger for acceptance. When our teenagers are driving us up
the wall, hurling harsh words their way is not going to make
things better, he says. Although you want to see change, you
first have to accept things for how they are. Matis and I discuss
how many parents are in a sort of denial, refusing to acknowledge
their teen’s behavior, wanting them to be “perfect” or fit into
expectations. The first step, Matis says, is to accept the
reality of the situation.


In doing so, Matis explains, we’re able to see the truth in our
teen’s perspective, even when it contradicts our own. It doesn’t
mean we condone their questionable behavior, but it can help us
shift our focus towards the behavior's causes!


Instead of reprimanding our kid over and over again vaping to no
avail, a dialectical approach can guide us to see why they keep
reaching for that vape, says Matis. Maybe the stress of school is
overwhelming, and they need an escape. Perhaps they’re feeling
symptoms of depression or anxiety! Once we isolate the cause, we
can help them find an alternative, or make an appointment with an
expert to learn more. With more concrete, productive steps, we
can go beyond the endless nagging and see some real change.


In the episode, Matis and I dive deeper into the value of this
dialectic approach. Building on that, we also discuss the
ineffectiveness of certain parenting tendencies that have
negativity at the center–such as judgement and invalidation.


How Words Can Hurt


When we’re refusing to see our kids' perspective and making
endless “should” statements–such as “my teen should be getting
better grades” or “she should stop dating so much”–we find
ourselves judging teens. We might label them as lazy or as a “bad
kid”, as a way of dealing with our disappointment or anger. But
when we pass judgement, we fail to see the whole picture. We’re
not thinking about the causes or nuances of their behavior, or
trying to see their perspective. Instead, we’re shutting them,
without giving them a chance at redemption.


Matis suggests trying to analyze and reclaim those judgemental
thoughts. Is declaring that your teen is “lazy” going to help him
become more productive? Is this judgement going to create a
loving, nurturing connection between the two of you? It’s
unlikely, says Matis. In the episode, He and I discuss how
parents can ditch judgement and instead impart more positivity to
really see a change.


In the episode, Matis explains how along with passing judgement,
parents often invalidate teen’s feelings or thoughts without
really noticing. For some parents, invalidation might even seem
like encouragement!


For example, say your teen is struggling with calculus and is
telling you about it on the drive home from school one day. You
might deliver an offhand quip, saying how it was much harder
years ago when you took it, and it’s only going to get harder in
college. You might tell them this is the easiest it will get.
While you think this is encouraging, it may only make your kid
feel worse.


In a situation like this, teens are simply trying to communicate
how they feel, and even though you may not realize, you might be
shutting them down. In the episode, Matis and I discuss how
validating teens’ feelings can actually lead them to become
better at regulating their own emotions and help them make a
smoother transition into adulthood.


So you’ve worked on changing your perspective and watching what
you say to teens...but what about things like rewards and
punishments? What role can they play in parenting? In our
interview, Matis explains how you can use these tools to help
teens be their best selves.


Making the Most of Rewards and Punishments


When your kids knock it out of the park, getting an A on a paper
or receiving that long awaited college acceptance, you likely
want to give them something to show them how proud you are. But
it seems these days the go-to reward is some new video game or
gadget….and your kid gets enough screen time as it is!


In our interview, Matis and I get into gifts you can give that
are outside of the digital realm. He encourages parents to think
about just how many privileges they award to their kids on a
regular basis already–and to brainstorm small ways to make them
more impactful. Even just giving your kid a ride somewhere or
getting them a special treat from the grocery store can be super
meaningful, says Matis.


But what about punishments? There are a lot of people who think
punitive measures are a totally ineffective way to get teens to
listen, but Matis isn’t opposed to them. What Matis is concerned
about is parents doling out punishments based on emotions! When
you’re angry and ground your kid for two we...