Ep 154: What to Say to Motivate Your Teen

Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child,
re-join us to talk about their latest book What Do You Say.
Whether your teen is unmotivated or over-anxious, Ned and Bill
have just the thing to say.


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Full show notes


Enforcing rules on teens is no easy task. Half the time they
ignore you, sometimes they lie to you, and they love to find
plenty of reasons to do the exact opposite of what you asked! As
they gain independence, teens just don’t want to abide by your
rules...even if they’re living in your house.


Plus, as much as we want kids to listen to us and take us
seriously as authority figures...gosh dang it, we want them to
like us! We know that it's important to give kids restrictions
and limits, but it’s hard to see why when they’re slamming the
door and screaming at us for taking their XBox away. To be a
parent is to constantly walk that fine line between being close
to your kid and knowing when it’s time to be tough….and it can be
really hard!


Luckily, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson are back to give us more
great advice on finding that parenting balance. They were last on
the show to discuss their bestseller, The Self-Driven Child: The
Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their
Lives. 


Today, they're here to share some groundbreaking material from
their brand new book, What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to
Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home. 


Although they’re big believers in giving kids autonomy, Bill and
Ned know that parents still have an irreplaceable role in guiding
kids through the perils of adolescence. That’s why we’re
discussing how parents can best respond to a child who comes to
them with a crisis. Plus, we’re debating the idea that kids
should always “try their best” and revealing how you can start
equipping kids with the independence they need to survive college
and beyond.


Talking to an Anxious Teen


When teens tell you they’ve gotten themselves into trouble, it’s
hard not to freak out. They come to you, upset that they got a
bad grade on their calculus exam, and instantly you want to nag
them about how they should have studied more and declare that
they’ll never get into college with grades like these!


According to Bill and Ned, however, it’s important to stay calm
in these situations, even though it’s tough. When asked who in
their lives they feel the most comfortable with, most teens say
it’s someone who listens, but doesn’t judge. If you want your
teen to come to you first in a crisis, Bill and Ned advise
keeping an even temper...at least on the outside!


In the episode, we identify different ways parents tend to
respond to crises–reactions that only make things worse. Some
parents find themselves catastrophizing the situation, letting
their own anxiety twist it into a nightmare. Other parents
partake in what Bill and Ned describe as “fortune
telling”–meaning they declare that a teen’s future is ruined
simply because of one detention or a college rejection. These
responses are totally natural, but will likely only cause you and
your teen to get more stressed than necessary!


Bill and Ned drop some pointers in our interview about how to
stay chill and work through intense situations with teens. They
explain how you can empower your teen to handle chaos with
renewed confidence instead of giving them an extra dollop of self
doubt.


One thing Bill and Ned don’t suggest doing too often is using the
term “try your best.” Although encouragement is important, they
dislike the use of this term in abundance–and they’re explaining
why in our discussion.


Protecting Teens from Perfectionism


We want teens to excel and find success.. but we don’t want them
to burn out or become so stressed that they don’t enjoy life. As
a middle ground, we often tell them to just “do the best they
can.” However, this doesn’t always provide the reassurance we
think it does, say Bill and Ned. Instead, they encourage parents
to tell teens they’ve done good enough! It’s pretty much
impossible to say what a teen’s “best” is...and trying to define
it only leaves kids feeling as though they’ll never measure up.


Bill and Ned believe teens should shift into a mindset of “I want
to” rather than “I have to”. If we put kids under a microscope of
perfectionism, they’ll feel like they’re being forced to strive
for accolades...but if they’re using self growth as a metric, the
motivation will come from inside! In the episode, we talk about
how we can help kids get to a place where they’re happy to work
towards growth, instead of miserably feeling like they’re
crumbling under pressure.


Plus, Bill, Ned and I talk about how surprisingly effective it
can be to give kids amnesty or second chances instead of doling
out punitive measures. This is all a part of Bill and Ned’s
belief in the power of teen autonomy! In the episode, we talk
about how parents can guide kids making smart decisions on their
own, so we know they’ll be ok when we’re not around.


The Importance of Independence


Letting kids do things on their own can be pretty terrifying.
Even just granting them permission to go to the mall with their
friends can lead us to fret about them vaping, talking to
strangers, or even being peer pressured into shoplifting! But
sometimes we worry a little too much...and find ourselves holding
their hands too long.


Bill, Ned and I discuss how kids these days aren’t taught to
survive on their own– the amount of young adults returning home
from college after one semester is on the rise! If you don’t prep
your teen to go out into the world and fend for themselves, they
might just end up flocking back home and living in the basement.


When we’re begging teens to get started on their piano practice
or constantly nagging them to come home on time, we’re sending
them the message that it’s our responsibility to keep their lives
together, say Bill and Ned. They warn parents that the more they
push, the more teens are likely to push back! If parents are
trying harder than the kid, that kid isn’t likely to blossom into
adulthood any time soon. In our interview, they share how letting
go might be the best way to propel teens forward.


This is especially relevant when it comes to the parenting crisis
of the decade: getting teens to manage tech use! Bill, Ned and I
talk about how giving kids the option to play Fortnite with no
time limits might actually remind them that there are
consequences to mindless gaming. If teens keep putting off their
work to play, they’ll find themselves getting a bad grade as a
result! Then, although it might be tempting to drop an extra
satisfying “I told you so” parents can use the situation as a
lesson about managing screen time, say Bill and Ned.


In the Episode...


It was lovely covering a wide range of topics with Bill and Ned
this week! On top of the ideas mentioned above, we talk about…


Why kids from affluent families are more susceptible to
substance abuse and anxiety disorders

How you can help teens with chronic stress

Why it’s so h...