Ep 160: Does Your Family Need a Code of Excellence?

Frank Figliuzzi, author of The FBI Way, shares knowledge on
effectively instilling values in a family unit. He walks us
through creating a code of conduct based on your family’s values,
and shares the number one thing everyone gets wrong about
consequences.


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Full show notes


Parenting can sometimes feel like it’s never predictable. Even
when we think we know our kid, some new interest or personality
trait suddenly comes out of left field. Maybe your kid has always
been a total carnivore, but this week, all their friends are
vegan...so they want to be vegan too! Yesterday, your kid wanted
to be a pro basketball player, but today they want to be a
painter...tomorrow they’ll tell you they’re destined to be a
scientist. It can be dizzying to keep up with your teens as they
grow and evolve everyday!


But what about when a kid who’s always happy and smiling suddenly
seems tired and disinterested in things? Or when your teen who
swore they’d never smoke accidentally leaves a vape in the
kitchen? When these kinds of unexpected parenting troubles pop
up, it’s hard to adjust and react effectively. It can be
incredibly challenging to avoid the urge to panic, and nearly
impossible to remain cool and parent through peril.


According to this week’s guest, the secret to handling the ups
and downs is to define our values–and stick to them. His name is
Frank Figliuzzi and he’ the former assistant director of the FBI,
served as FBI chief inspector for sensitive internal inquiries,
and is now a national security analyst for NBC news! His new
book, The FBI Way: Inside the Bureau’s Code of Excellence,
highlights the principles that make the FBI so successful at
handling crises and explains how you can apply those same
principles when things go awry with your teen.


In the episode, we’re touching on what Frank calls “the seven
Cs”, or seven fundamentals that parents can practice to create a
harmonious house and handle conflict when it arises. We’re
covering the importance of sticking to a code of values,
practicing clarity, and enforcing consistent consequences–but not
without compassion, credibility and conservancy.


Finding Your Family’s Code of Values


When we’re using a device and something goes wrong, we check the
manual. If we’re cooking and not sure which spices will taste the
best, we look at the recipe. In our nation’s legislative and
judicial process, we consult our constitution for guidance about
what’s best for our citizens. So why shouldn’t parents and teens
have a guide that they can refer back to when things feel out of
control? In the episode, Frank emphasizes the importance of
having a code–the first of the seven Cs– that your family follows
and falls back on in times of uncertainty. It’s what the FBI
does...and you should try it too!


Sound overwhelming? It doesn’t have to be, says Frank. It can be
as simple as promising to always treat each other with respect,
or agreeing to always be honest.


As more things are added to the list, you might even want to
write them out to ensure accountability. Frank explains in the
episode how his son (now a lawyer, of course), asked if they
could all formally sign a contract declaring their families core
values! Once you’ve created this code, Frank explains that your
family should act as a conservancy–the second of the 7 Cs. This
indicates a collective effort, meaning everyone is equally
responsible for maintaining this code, including parents.


In order to ensure that everyone abides by the code, Frank
believes that consequences (number three of the seven Cs) are
super important. Without consequences, the rules tend to fall
flat! When someone violates one of the values in your family
code–say, being dishonest and lying about finishing their
homework–and nothing happens as a result, they’ll just keep on
doing it. Soon enough, they won’t feel any need to be honest
about anything anymore, since there’s no consequences for
dishonesty. But if they can no longer play their XBox as a result
of their behavior...they might be more concerned with the truth
the next time around. Just like in the FBI, there’s no lying
under oath!


The fourth of the seven Cs is clarity, and Frank reminds us that
this is of the utmost importance. Even if we have consequences in
place, they’re totally useless if they’re unknown! By making sure
things are clear, we ensure that teens know consequences before
getting themselves into trouble. If they’re aware that they’ll be
grounded for coming home after 11:00, they can’t claim they
didn’t know, or try to get away with it! Plus, clarity helps to
maintain fairness. If everyone is clear on the 11 o’clock curfew,
then you’ll have to punish both kids for violating it...even if
you tend to be more lenient with one than the other.


These four Cs may outline the basics of creating a code of
values, but there are a few more principles Frank recommends that
parents follow if they want to keep things on track despite road
bumps!


Compassion, Credibility, and Consistency


Ok, so all this talk about consequences might feel a bit
authoritative. In our interview, Frank explains that to avoid
becoming a tyrant, compassion is key! Frank and I discuss how,
when the family is under stress or a kid is experiencing an
intense emotional rollercoaster, part of parenting through it is
giving kids some wiggle room to fail or mess up.


Frank explains that when someone is set to face punishment in the
FBI, the organization takes into account more than just the
transgression at hand. Maybe the offender was under a lot of
pressure that day, or expected to handle something outside of
their usual scope of responsibility. It’s okay to give teens this
same leniency when things aren’t quite going to plan.


It’s not only kids that mess up, it’s parents too. That is why
parents need to be transparent and embrace the sixth of the seven
Cs: credibility. As Frank and I discuss in the episode, by
admitting your own mistakes and taking steps to fix things when
you misstep,you show your kids you're capable of taking credit
for your actions. In turn, this makes you more credible as a
figure of authority, says Frank.


The last of the seven Cs is consistency–meaning sticking to your
code of values, even when things get rough. When you spy the vape
your teen left in the kitchen, it’s easy to blow up on them–but
if you specified the importance of respecting each other, it
might be wise to think about how you can go about the
conversation respectfully. On the flipside, having defined
honesty as a core value might make it so that your teen is more
willing to be open about where they got the vape, how often
they’ve been using it and why they decided to get it in the first
place.


When it comes down to it, Frank’s seven C’s are about creating a
home environment that promotes justice and fairness–while making
sure rules are still followed! By defining a code of values and
taking the appropriate steps to make sure it sticks, you and your
kids might just find the light at the end of whatever tunnel your
family is facing.


In the Episode...


There are so many valuable takeaways from this week’s interview
with Frank! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk
about…


How we can persevere through turmoil in our families

Why k...