Ep 162: Could You Handle an Emotional Teen?

Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men, explains the
new rigid rules for boys and how we can help our emerging men
feel secure in a masculine identity. Plus, tips on how to build
emotional resilience in our male teens.


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Full show notes
We’re all familiar with the term “boys will be boys.” It’s often
used when guys are physical, detached, aggressive, and violent.
making it seem as though these behaviors are the norm. Much of
society acts as though these traditionally “masculine” tendencies
are simply intrinsic to male DNA...which can make us feel like
there’s nothing we can do when our sons get into trouble for it.



But what if there was a way we could talk to our boys to help
them realize that this behavior is not the only option? What if
we could show them that, by slowing down and thinking about the
situation at hand, they may find it wiser to simply keep the
peace instead of causing a ruckus? This week, we’re revealing how
you can sit down with your son and prevent all the brawling
before it starts, or get through to a teen boy who’s masculinity
might need a makeover.



Our guest is Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men:
The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional
Resiliency. Andrew is a professor at Towson University, where he
teaches a seminar entitled “The Changing Face of Masculinity.”
His work has been featured in the New York Times, the Washington
Post, NPR and more. He speaks at schools and conferences around
the globe...but today he’s sitting down to speak with us!



Andrew and I are discussing why it is that boys are compelled to
react with violence or aggression when triggered. We’re also
diving deep into the importance of vulnerability, and how we can
help our sons accumulate a supportive community where they can
express their emotions without fear.



Taming Toxic Masculinity


Although we often think that unruly behavior is rooted in male
biology, Andrew argues the contrary. As he says in the episode,
male and female brains are almost 98% identical– in his eyes,
it's our cultural norms and societal pressures that push boys in
the direction of violence. That means that if we take the right
steps, we as parents could create a generation of men who don’t
feel like they have to fight their way through life! But how can
we help topple this toxic masculine mentality? 



To start, Andrew explains that we have to get to the bottom of
where aggressive male tendencies originate. He believes it all
begins with the way we teach boys, in subtle ways, that they
can’t be weak or vulnerable. Then, when someone calls them a
name, cuts them off in traffic, or bumps into them in a
crowd-making them feel weak–they don’t know what to do but feel
ashamed! This shame provokes them to want to get the upper hand,
to handle the conflict with aggression, says Andrew. 



If we want to free our boys from letting shame control their
lives, the first step is to have an intentional conversation,
Andrew explains. It might help to remind them that when another
guy insults them, or tries to rile them up...it’s not personal.
Whatever's going on with that guy is not their problem! They
don’t have to feel any shame–and letting them know that can make
all the difference, says Andrew. If we can help them see that
their strength or dignity isn’t on the line just because someone
else wants to ruffle their feathers, they’ll be able to keep the
peace instead of throwing fists.



Now, getting guys comfortable with vulnerability is a lot easier
said than done. Andrew and I give some tips in this week’s
episode to help boys feel at home with their own emotions.



Making Vulnerability Viable


Having been raised to believe they have to live up to society’s
toxic masculinity standards, many young men struggle with
vulnerability. They’ve been taught to associate it with weakness!
It’s not always easy to help them change their way of thinking
and become open to being open. However, encouraging our sons to
both process and express their emotions can help them be much
happier and healthier. Plus, it might even save their lives–many
young men are ashamed of feeling anxious or depressed and don’t
reach out for help, causing suicide rates among them to rise in
recent years.



Interestingly, Andrew points out that humans cannot
compartmentalize our feelings. If we repress the negative ones,
we’ll also repress the positive ones, says. This keeps a lot of
our boys, who feel they can’t have intense feelings, from
displaying their sadness, but also their joy! Andrew and I talk
about how young men often take cues from the media, the same
media which shames prominent men for exhibiting deep sadness or
happiness. If we want our boys to believe they can feel freely,
it might be wise to encourage them to think critically about the
dialogue they see about men online and in the news.



Andrew advises talking to your son through the physical and
spiritual effects of emotions. Why do certain things make them
angry while others make them want to jump up and down with
excitement? Helping them understand and communicate the way they
feel can be a great start to free emotional expression. Although
it may seem odd,  Andrew actually suggests that boys talk to
themselves about their feelings! Sometimes, it’s the only way
they feel safe to start talking things through at all!



Whether or not they’re working through things on their own,
having a supportive community can help. Andrew and I talk in the
episode about how you can help your son build up a safe network
and share what he’s going through.



Creating a Safe Community


When we think of a group of young men who hang out regularly, we
might think of a sports team, or even a group of boys who play
video games together. Although these can be good sources of
community for young men, Andrew talks about how there are often
some elements of misogyny among these groups, or even an
atmosphere of toxic competitiveness that pits guys against each
other. Behaviors like trash-talking or one-upping each other are
pretty common among these communities.



Oftentimes, this leads men to turn towards women or girls for
deeper emotional support, whether that be a female friend,
girlfriend, or a woman in their family. And while this can be
helpful, Andrew emphasizes the astronomical comfort men can find
from friendship with other men! Even when men have one or two
close companions, they often don't feel a deep level of trust
with them. If we want our boys to live emotionally healthy lives,
encouraging them to be vulnerable with other guys their age can
be a good way to start.



As Andrew says in the episode, the script for how boys are
supposed to look, act, and feel is stricter than ever. It’s no
wonder our sons feel the need to act out–they aren’t being taught
to handle it all! Luckily, with Andrew’s advice, we can change
that.



In the Episode….



Andrew has a lot of unique ideas about how we can transform
visions of masculinity in our society. In addition to the topics
mentioned above, we also discuss:


Why boys are so worried about “social perfectionism”

How most male prisoners have one essential thing in common

Why testosterone behaves differently than commonly believed

How you can help your son feel comfortable opening u...