Ep 164: How to Modify a Personality

Christian Jarrett, author of Be Who You Want, brings us knowledge
on the science of changing: what exactly can we change and how
can we make changes stick. Plus, how to turn difficult
personalities into successful ones.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes
It’s hard to think of a group that gets labelled more than
teenagers. Whether we declare them slackers, class clowns,
popular kids or outcasts, it can be easy to put them in boxes
based on their personalities! But have you ever considered that
personalities aren’t as constant as you might think? Maybe teens’
personalities change with time as they grow or fluctuate
depending on who they’re with or where they are. They might even
have the power to intentionally change their own personalities if
they put their minds to it.



The debate over whether human personality is stable or fluid is
one that reaches back through the history of psychology. Some
scientists in the past believed that our personalities were set
in stone by age thirty, while others believe there’s no such
thing as a set personality at all! Are our personalities decided
at birth, or are they decided by the events of our lives? Do we
have a role in choosing our own personality or is it something
that just happens to us?



These are the kinds of questions we’re asking Christian Jarrett
this week. He’s been a leading cognitive neuroscientist for two
decades with work featured on the BBC, in Vice, Guardian, GQ and
more! His book, Be Who You Want: Unlocking the Science of
Personality Change, tackles commonly asked questions we all have
about defining our personalities and changing ourselves for the
better. He’s here to cover some of the most interesting points
and give advice for parents of teens with rapidly changing
personalities.



In our interview, Christian explains why teens are especially
vulnerable to personality change! We’re also covering the effects
of social situations on teens’ personalities, and how you can
help your teen use certain techniques to actively work towards
being the person they want to be.



Teens are Ripe for Personality Change


With their brains still developing and their minds
impressionable, teens have a very high potential for personality
change, says Christian. However, this can sometimes backfire! As
Christian explains, there’s an interesting theory that attempts
to break down teens’ personality development, called the
disruptor hypothesis. According to this theory, although positive
human personality growth is linear for the most part, our
disposition actually regresses in the teenage years!



What does this mean, exactly? Well, as we go through life, we
find ourselves “improving” our personalities–that is, becoming
more conscientious, kind, patient, or mellow.  But because
teen’s brains and bodies are going through so many transitions,
they tend to backslide a bit, becoming more prone to anger,
neuroticism, or self-centeredness! Sound familiar? If your teen’s
behavior is less than tolerable, this might just be a
contributing factor.



Luckily, there are ways you can help teens work through these
rather undesirable personality traits–whether it be narcissism,
grumpiness or chronic anxiety. In the episode, Christian shares
certain techniques teens can practice to channel
self-centeredness to serve the greater good. He also shares
methods for teens to manage a tendency towards overwhelming worry
or nerves. In these ways, teens are able to have control over
their personality and the way they’re perceived by others!



For teens thrust into the chaotic world of high school, social
situations can be pretty intense. As a parent, you may have
pretty regular concerns about the people your teen is hanging out
with! In the episode, we’re talking about how friends can affect
teens’ personalities.



Why Social Groups are So Influential


One of the most effective ways teens can take control of their
own personalities is by managing who they hang out with. By
surrounding themselves with people who have positive, uplifting
energies, Christian says teens can become more optimistic
themselves. By reminding teens of this and helping them be
intentional about who they're spending time with, you can help
your teen become a happier person!



Christian emphasizes the importance of helping teens think
critically about the friends they choose to keep instead of
making those decisions for them. In Christian’s work studying
teen brain development, he’s found that when parents interject
themselves so much into a teen's life that they’re removing
obstacles, it dampens the teen’s ability to develop emotional
resilience. Giving them the responsibility of choosing their own
friends may seem small, but it can help as they go forward into
adult life.



Interestingly, research has found that although parents do have
some influence over teens, it’s nothing compared to the influence
of their peers. Christian explains how external forces have the
largest effect on teen’s personality. When programs are set up to
rehabilitate youth, they often fail because they rely on adult
role models rather than peer influence, Christian says. If we
want teens to become their best selves, it might be wise to
encourage them to surround themselves with the right friends!



Beyond guiding their social lives, there’s a lot parents can do
to promote a positive personality change in a teen.



Guiding Teens Towards Positive Change


Since teen’s personalities are so fluid, there are ways we can
push them towards uplifting changes! Christian explains how at
this point in their lives, personality acts almost like a skill
that can be improved with practice and a growth mindset. In fact,
research has shown that when teens are given guidance and
tutorials about how to deal with emotional setbacks, they’re less
likely to beat themselves up or be self deprecating, instead
showing resilience and optimism.



One thing Christian and I talk about is goal setting. He explains
how humans actually don’t have very reliable will power, so this
is something you might want to take steps to help your teen
develop. Teaching them to remove temptations or plan ahead can be
really positive steps in the right direction. Say their goal is
to go to the gym every week, but they can’t seem to get
themselves out of bed. Christian suggests they take the effort to
plan out a reward for themselves after their workout, so they’ll
be motivated to go.



In addition to pursuing goals, Christian encourages teens to
question their goals. Is this goal causing them too much stress?
How does it make them feel about themselves? Teens can often feel
stuck in dead ends, so it can be good to slow them down and turn
them around before they get there. Christian explains how much
harder it is for teens to make changes when there’s no real
motivation behind it. If they’re doing it just to do it, they
might not ever get there. If they really want to become a better
person, then Christian believes it’s absolutely possible.



In the Episode...



On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:


Why male and female personality development is different

How alcohol and marijuana affect personality

Why teens should learn to name their emotions

How to help a narcissistic teen



Thanks for listening! If you want to find mo...