Ep 165: Secrets to a Better Connection

David Bradford, PhD, co-author of Connect, shares his insights
for how to create a deeper, more meaningful connection with your
teen by tweaking communication.


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Full show notes
We often hear that the secret to a healthy relationship of any
kind is communication...but what does that really mean? Does it
mean apologizing when we feel we’ve messed up, or daring to
discuss uncomfortable topics? Are there certain things we
shouldn’t say, and how do we know when we’re communicating too
much? How do we get teens who are checked out to actually hear
what we’re saying? These questions and more are keeping us from
having an open, communicative relationship with our teens.



But when bad communication causes so many problems, it’s
understandable that you might be hesitant. When you’re feeling
frustrated or upset with your teen, certain ways of communicating
can deepen the divide between the two of you instead of building
a bridge. Teens who are dealing with pressures from every side of
life can sometimes drive us up the wall–and despite our best
efforts, we too often let our communication fall into a pattern
of yelling, nagging and not really listening to what they have to
say. 



This week, we’re helping you fight the tendency to slip into all
the fussing and fighting. By giving you the guidance to create a
healthier, more communicative relationship with your teen, our
hope is to bring some harmony to your home. Our guest is David
Bradford, professor at Stanford’s graduate school of business and
author of Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with
Family, Friends, and Colleagues. David’s been teaching a seminar
at Stanford on interpersonal dynamics for two decades, and he’s
here to share some of the most valuable insights from his work
with us.



David and I are discussing why teens often refuse to hear
anything we have to say, and how we can open up a stronger, more
positive channel of communication between us and them. We’re
providing alternatives to giving advice, which, according to
David, in’ts as effective as we think! Plus, we’re discussing
what David calls the “three realities of communication” to
uncover why our misunderstandings can so often lead to hurt
feelings or accusations.



When Teens Won’t Listen



Teens love to breeze through the front door and right into their
rooms, giving you little more than an “mhhm” or a “yeah sure.”
And although you might want your teen to have autonomy, there are
still things you need to talk to them about! As a parent, there’s
so much wisdom you can provide to protect and guide your teen–and
there are likely rules that need to be followed under your roof!
So how can we get through to a teen that doesn’t even seem to
hear a word you say?



Say you’ve noticed your teen vaping once or twice, and you want
to have a talk with them….but they keep slamming the door in your
face. David explains how hard it is for teens to open up about
these kinds of sensitive subjects, especially when they feel
cornered. The issue lies in the power dynamic between parents and
teens. In many situations outside the family, those in lower
status positions almost always experience difficulty being
vulnerable with their superiors, says David. Although you aren’t
“superior” to your teen, you are older and likely control their
finances, living situation and transportation! This makes the
power dynamic a bit uneven. 



To help level the playing field, David emphasizes the importance
of not responding to conflict with a show of authority. If you
can make it clear to your teen that you want to talk about the
vape without declaring punishment or dictating rules with an iron
fist, you’re more likely to have a productive conversation that
they’ll actually sit through!



In our discussion on how to engage teens, David and I talk
extensively in the episode about why you should stray away from
giving avoidant teens advice–and ask open ended questions
instead. 



The Pitfalls of Giving Advice



As parents, it’s our natural urge to meet every one of our teen’s
obstacles with some sage wisdom from our wonder years. If we can
offer anything as a parent, it’s some meaningful advice about
picking a college or surviving a breakup...right? David actually
argues otherwise. In his eyes, giving advice is just another way
parent’s tend to push their own beliefs, views and opinions onto
kids, telling them what to do instead of prompting them to think
critically and find their own solution.



Instead, David suggests asking open-ended questions. Let’s take
our vape example. Now that we’ve decided not to be authoritative,
say we choose to give advice. We tell them that we tried
cigarettes back in our teen years, but we stopped because we
didn’t want to get addicted or have serious health issues–and
they should do the same. Not a bad piece of communication, but it
totally neglects the fact that kids are living in a different era
where even their cigarettes are electronic! Plus, it doesn’t
provoke any discussion or thought on their end. 



Let's say instead we ask open-ended questions, as David
recommends. Questions like, what motivated you to start vaping?
How does the experience make you feel? What are some other ways
of getting the same sort of feeling that might be healthier? What
comes to mind when you think about throwing the vape away? Now
notice, these aren’t answered with just a “yes” or a “no”. They
encourage kids to really process and think critically about why
they’re engaging in a particular destructive behavior, and how
they might discover a better way forward.



Now, no matter what you say to teens, there will always be some
difference in your intention and their interpretation. David and
I are tackling that discrepancy with an idea he calls the “three
realities of communication.”



Why Communication Has Complications



So you decide to ask your teen some open-ended questions about
the vape, questions you identify as non threatening. But they
suddenly blow up, claiming all you do is try to control them and
restrict their freedom. You can’t see the way they arrived at
this conclusion, and try to dispute them, until the whole thing
turns into a full blown argument. Now the two of you aren’t
talking, and the vape situation hasn’t been discussed at all!



David breaks down this process into the different communication
“realities.” The first is the intent behind the message, or your
attempt to simply learn some more information about the vape. The
second is the communication itself–objective details like where
it happened, when it happened, and the question that was asked.
The third is how the message was interpreted by the recipient–not
well, in this scenario! Even though sometimes we get lucky enough
to have all three fall in line, they’re never exactly the same.
This can often lead to confusion, mixed signals and even hurt
feelings.



To try and navigate this nuanced world of communication, David
suggests a commonly used tactic you may have heard of before:
using “I” statements, especially “I feel” statements. In doing
this, you are making an effort to describe your subjective
experience and avoid telling anyone else what their experience
is–because how could you possibly know? In our interview, David
elaborates on this further and shares tons of other tips for
making communication more cohesive.



In the Epis...