Ep 166: How to Harness the Voice in Your Head

Dr. Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, briefs us on his research on
internal chatter: what it is, why it matters, and how to help
your teen harness it before it gets out of control.


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Full show notes


There’s a lot to be worried about these days!  Whether
you’re feeling anxious about the ongoing pandemic or just
concerned that your teen is struggling in school, it’s easy to
let distress clutter your mind. When we let that anxiety crawl
around in our brain, we often find ourselves distracted from the
better moments in life, thinking obsessively about a work meeting
when we’re supposed to be spending quality time with our
families. 



Interestingly, that voice inside our head–the one that’s always
muttering about the past and the future–can be useful, if we know
how to harness it. This inner dialogue comes from an evolutionary
need to learn from past mistakes to survive the next challenge,
and can help us immensely when tackling life’s challenges! If
parents can learn to steer this voice in a positive direction,
they can help teens do the same. That way, these young adults
will know how to handle that tricky inner dialogue before they
head off into the real world.



Our guest this week is one of the world’s leading experts on
controlling the conscious mind as well as an award-winning
professor of psychology and business at the University of
Michigan! His name is Ethan Kross, and his new book is called
Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to
Harness It. In our interview, Ethan and I are getting into how
and why we talk to ourselves, and what we can do to make the most
of our inner voice.



In this week’s interview, we’re discussing the idea of being
“present”...and why it doesn’t always help us feel better. Plus,
we’re diving into tons of other strategies for harnessing your
inner voice that might be the perfect solution to that constant
worrying!



What is “Chatter?”


Before we can learn to make the most of our mental chatter, we’ve
got to know where it comes from! Ethan explains how this
persistent voice in our heads was built in to help us make
predictions about the future and learn from the past. For some
people, it’s stronger than others, and it serves a different
purpose for each of us, says Ethan. It can help us prepare for
important speeches at work or a terrifying first date. It boosts
our working memory, allowing us to keep phone numbers or
passwords in our head. It even helps us define who we are and
build a stronger sense of self!



However, if we don’t learn to use it for good, we might end up
worrying about the future or ruminating on the past. When we’re
trying to watch a movie with our families, we might find
ourselves obsessing over tomorrow's work meeting or paying the
electricity bill. Or maybe we’re thinking so much about a mistake
we made in a past relationship that we’re too scared to enter a
new one. With some help from Ethan, however, we’re giving you
some tips this week to help keep that chatter under control when
you don’t want it running through your head.



Have you ever been told that you should live in the present? This
is a common way people tend to grapple with chatter, as it helps
them stop worrying about what came before or what will happen
next. However, Ethan says this doesn't work for everyone. Some
people need that chatter to plan or reflect and, and won’t find
being “present” to be very helpful! In the episode, we’re
covering plenty of other tools you or your teen can use–and you
might just find that one of them works especially well for you or
your family!



How Can We Keep Chatter Under Control?



Say your teen is preparing for a big game and is pretty
overwhelmed with the voice inside their head. Or maybe they’re
really worried about getting into UCLA, to the point where
they’re struggling to pay attention to anything else. You want to
help them manage their internal voice...but you’re not sure how!
Don’t fear–Ethan is here to help you manage your teen’s chatter
by giving us a few tips.



The first solution you might think of is encouraging them to vent
their feelings. However, Ethan brings up some fascinating
research that might surprise you. Several studies have found that
when someone is dealing with intense negative feelings, venting
them to someone often actually makes them feel worse! If they
just share their misery without adopting a strategy to feel
better, they’re perspective on the situation will only become
more dismal.



Instead, Ethan emphasizes the importance of venting to someone
who will help you reframe the situation in a more positive light,
or provide solutions to the conflict at hand. Instead of just
reinforcing your stress or sadness, this can actually help you
move forward! If you’re talking to a teen, Ethan recommends
listening and digesting what they have to say, and then asking
patiently if they want to receive some advice. Every teen needs a
different amount of time to vent before they receive some
constructive assistance, but receiving that guidance can be a lot
more helpful than just listening!



There are a few other interesting, even counterintuitive ideas
about handling chatter that Ethan shares in this episode.



More Tips for Managing Chatter



Have you ever found yourself worried about an upcoming job
interview or a court date and suddenly...you just have to clean
out your linen closet? Or maybe it’s the fridge that suddenly
needs four hours of organization. Ethan explains how when we feel
like we don’t have control internally, we try to control our
external environment to compensate. Although it may sound
avoidant, Ethan says that it can actually be a really helpful way
to lighten our mental load.



Similarly, participating in rituals can help you feel more in
control. These rituals could be daily, like doing yoga in the
mornings, or weekly, like watching a movie with your kids on
Saturday nights. By keeping to the structure, the predictability
helps keep chatter in line, says Ethan. These periods of time
help your mind reset and help you return to chatter with a
clearer and more intentional mindset. In our interview, Ethan and
I discuss how these rituals exist across every culture in one
form or another, helping people stay calm amongst the chatter.



In the episode, Ethan and I also talk about an interesting
technique that helps teens get some distance from the voice in
their head. If your teen is struggling to emotionally process
something that happened in the past and finds their mind overrun
with chatter, it can be useful for them to try and separate
themselves from it. One way they can do this is examine what
happened, but refer to themselves in the third person. Ethan
explains this further in the episode! The technique helps teens
find a more objective perspective and see a path to a solution
that isn’t guided by all the chatter.



During the interview, we go deeper into distancing, even
discussing how giving your kid a cape and asking them to assume a
role of a superhero can help! And although distance can make
things feel a little clearer, Ethan reminds us that we shouldn’t
distance ourselves from joyful events! Those happy times with our
kids can be some of life’s brightest moments.



In the Episode...



I loved sitting down with Ethan this week to talk about how we
can change our int...