Ep 171: Instilling Compassion for Principled Teens

Dexter Dias, author of The Ten Types of Human, offers insight on
the personality “apps” that drive human behavior. Plus, how to
instill compassion and help your teen avoid burning out their
kindness!


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Full show notes


When we’re bombarded with some of the terrifying stuff on the
news these days, we might find ourselves wishing there were more
compassionate people in the world. Luckily, If we can raise the
next generation to be considerate, kind and morally educated, we
might be able to steer our society in a better direction. That
being said, it’s no easy task to teach teenagers to practice
empathy!





This week, we’re talking all about compassion–how we can help
teens develop it, and why they’re often at risk of losing it. To
get to the bottom of what it really means to be compassionate,
we’re diving deep into the psychology and evolutionary
development that defines our empathetic impulses. By doing this,
we can go beyond just telling teens to be nice; we can teach them
to think critically about their own social behavior.





We’re welcoming Dexter Dias to the show this week! Dexter is a
barrister (the British version of a lawyer), involved in some of
the most prominent human rights cases in recent years. He’s
facing issues like terrorism, murder, crimes against humanity and
more. Dexter’s a prize winning scholar of Cambridge university, a
visiting researcher at Harvard and has written reports to the
United Nations! All of this work defending vulnerable people as
well as studying human behavior has taught him a thing or two
about the ways we empathize with one another.





In our interview, Dexter and I are talking about how humans can
sometimes burn out when they’re expressing compassion left and
right–and how you can teach yourself and your teen to avoid this
problem. Plus, we’re discussing evolutionary development to
understand why we sometimes let our compassion be overridden by
our need to fit in.





The Challenges of Being Compassionate





Although we know our teens are good people, actually practicing
compassion every day can be pretty tough for their growing minds.
As you may recall, the halls of high school can be
vicious...meaning that teens aren’t always as nice to their peers
as they could be. Dexter explains in the episode that the
socially vicious behavior of adolescents is largely a result of
unconscious activity in their minds, triggered by cues they may
not even be aware of. 





In fact, our behavior is so controlled by these subconscious
impulses that we don’t even need to be able to see others to feel
triggered by them. Dexter and I discussed research featuring
blind patients which demonstrated that our neural systems are
able to pick up aspects of human conduct and behavior without
even viewing them. Dexter and I chat more about the implications
of this fascinating study in the episode!





Dexter describes one of these subconscious impulses–the fear of
ostracism–as one the driving forces of human behavior….especially
teenage behavior! Humans have a deep need to belong, explains
Dexter, a need which developed as we evolved through time. When
our ancestors were faced with danger, being part of a group gave
them a better chance at survival. Nowadays, this survival
technique still lingers, and is particularly strong among
teenagers still finding their way. 





But is it really that big of a deal if your teen finds themselves
excluded from the lunch table? Yes, according to Dexter! He
explains that the pain caused by rejection is just as strong as
physical pain, because it comes from the same neural activity.
Not to mention that In our modern world social media causes teens
to be conscious of their social standing 24 hours a day. The
anxiety about fitting in follows them home from school, and is
present in every like and follower they recieve–or don’t receive.





This intense desire to fit in with our peers can cause people to
do some frankly terrible things. As a human rights lawyer, Dexter
sees the connection between some of the world's worst atrocities
and our fear of ostracism. If we’re going to be compassionate and
teach our kids to do the same, Dexter says we’ll have to overcome
this deeply rooted need for approval from others. In the episode,
he explains that the focus needs to shift from changing the
attitude of individuals to really transforming our culture as a
whole.





Although this fear of not belonging is one of the greatest risks
to our compassion, there are others. Dexter explains that we can
often become emotionally overwhelmed, causing our compassion to
suffer. But don’t fret, there are solutions!





Handling Compassion Overload


When we open ourselves up to being compassionate to others, we
can sometimes find ourselves facing a lot of stress. Dexter
explains how this is often a problem for him in his work as a
human rights lawyer. Although he wants to help those in need, it
can be tough seeing the injustices of the world and feeling like
you’re up against the impossible. Front line workers like social
workers, nurses and aids often find themselves the most at risk
of this feeling, but it can happen to any of us. Something as
simple as volunteering at a food bank can cause this overwhelming
stress at the state of the world!





Dexter warns that this feeling can lead to serious burn out if
not treated or prevented. To keep compassionate teens from losing
steam, he explains that they’ve sometimes got to put themselves
first. Although it might seem contradictory, taking care of
ourselves is the only way we’ll have the energy to care for
others! Dexter recommends reflecting and practicing discipline to
make sure you and your teen are watching our own health and
happiness along with the wellbeing of others.





In the episode, Dexter and I also talk about how we can work on
being aware of the injustices of the world without becoming so
sad or angry that we’re incapable of helping the vulnerable. He
and I discussed a study in which participants were exposed to
disturbing images of those in need. By measuring their reactions,
Dexter explains that the participants were found to have serious
physiological distress, simply as a result of viewing
suffering. 





But when prompted to think critically about how they could
improve the situation they saw on screen, they were found to
experience the effects at a lower frequency. By changing their
perspective to one of productivity and action, they were able to
increase their capacity  for compassion. In our interview,
Dexter and I talk more about how we can bring this perspective
into everyday life.





Evolutionarily, humans developed to stick in small groups,
meaning our compassion can only stretch so far before it suffers.
As we’ve developed as a species, we’ve mostly lived in small
groups, far apart from one another–much different from our modern
urban, city-dwelling way of life. This means that in our everyday
life, our ability to be compassionate is tested by interacting
with so many people! In the episode, Dexter explains how one
hundred and fifty is the magical number of people we can hold
compassion for. Any more than that and we get overwhelmed!





One way of combat...