Ep 173: When to Hand Over Control

Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat, gives us
pointers on how and when to let go of the urge to control our
teens. Plus, he shares what we can do to stay cool when teens
press our buttons.


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Full show notes


It can be alarming when  teens are suddenly staying out
late, dating, and getting behind the wheel. It’s easy to see them
as the tiny toddler they once were, when barely able to even
walk! Watching them grow from little kids to young adults means
that we have to relinquish control and give them more and more
independence….which is no simple task. We want to protect them,
shelter them and guide their every move to make sure they don’t
go astray, but maybe this isn’t the best way to prepare them to
take on life in the real world!





This week’s episode is about taking the backseat as a parent.
Even when we want to run out the door and stop our teen from
going out in that outfit, or watch over them until they finish
every problem on their physics homework, sometimes it’s wise to
step back and let them go at it on their own. Even though teens
might mess up, make mistakes and have regrets, a little bit of
independence can be an important preparation for the wild ride of
adulthood they’ll face up ahead. 





We’re sitting down with Peter Docker, author of Leading From The
Jumpseat: How to Create Extraordinary Opportunities by Handing
Over Control. After 25 years serving in the United Kingdom’s
Royal Air Force, Peter became a leadership expert, helping
companies all around the globe for nearly 14 years. Plus, he’s a
father of two! Peter pours his knowledge about service, business,
and teamwork into a parenting context this week to help us see
how we can run our homes with integrity and purpose.





Peter and I are discussing the difference between taking a
position and taking a stand–and why this is a crucial distinction
parents need to make. Plus, we’re talking about authenticity and
integrity, and explaining how you can finally get your teen to
put their dirty laundry in the hamper! 



How Parents Can Take a Stand


When our teens decide they want a nose piercing or to stay out
until four AM,  our first reaction is usually to firmly
declare “that’s not allowed!” This leads the two of you to argue.
Your teen slams the door in your face, and you have the same
fight over and over until there’s nothing left to do but give in
or give up. But according to Peter, there’s a better way. Instead
of taking a position, he says we need to take a stand.





You may think those sound like the exact same thing, but Peter
explains that they actually couldn't be more different. A
position is a strong reaction to the situation at hand, and
usually sparks a counterposition. You take the position that your
teen can’t vape, they take the position that they can do whatever
they want! But a stand goes deeper than just a position. It
requires you to look at what you truly care about, and what’s
important to you. Instead of just taking the position that your
teen shouldn't vape, Peter says we should take a stand for your
teens health and wellness.





This shows teens that your attitude isn’t just about disagreeing
with them, it’s about looking out for them. It might take a
little extra effort not to throw a “because I said so” their way,
but it’s worth it, says Peter. Teens respond much better when
they feel like they’re being considered, not just told what to
do. 





Similarly, it helps to come into these conflicts with a level
head.  In the episode, Peter and I talk about the difference
between an emotional reaction and a logical response, and how
responding to a tricky situation with intention makes a world of
difference.



Authenticity vs. Integrity


We care about our kids more than anything…which is why we can get
frustrated, angry or upset when we feel like they aren’t
listening. But Peter recommends we let our brain process our
emotions before we enter into a loaded discussion with teens, or
anticipate how we’ll feel and prepare so that we don’t blow up in
their faces. As Peter says in the episode, we want to make sure
our response comes from a place of love, not from a place of
fear.





Peter explains that this is the difference between authenticity
and integrity. Although people often tell us to “be
authentic”,  Peter believes this is an oversimplification of
parenting, or any kind of leadership. While it’s good to be
honest and vulnerable, Peter says that we can’t just unleash
whatever kind of “authentic” behavior we might feel inclined to
perform. Instead, he suggests living with integrity, and putting
a filter over our natural behavior to make sure we’re acting as
role models. Thoughtful, intentional parenting is more impactful
than just unfiltered behavior, says Peter.





Of course, this is always much easier said than done. That’s why
Peter and I take time to discuss the possibility of messing up in
this week’s episode. Peter speaks to the importance of humble
confidence, being able to admit to your teen that you may have
blown things out of proportion. Asking for forgiveness not only
strengthens bonds with teens, it also models humility! Watching
you take responsibility for your lip ups can show teens that
they’re capable of doing the same.





Beyond just staying calm and taking a stand, Peter and I are
discussing other ways we can get through to teens. Specifically,
we’re talking about the importance of community and belonging.



Inspiring Responsibility in Teens


It can be hard to motivate teens to take their responsibilities
seriously. Luckily, Peter has some tips! In our interview, we
talk about how tricky it is to get teens to put their dirty
laundry away. But if they’re going out with their friends on
Saturday night and want their favorite shirt to get washed, it's
sure to be in the basket! Peter explains that teens are spurred
on by social pressure, by the need to fit in and belong. And
although this can definitely work against you as a parent, you
can also make it work in your favor!





Teens’ need to belong beyond just their peers. Reminding teens
that they belong in your family too might just encourage them to
be more responsible, says Peter. Teens are annoyed when you ask
them to take out the dishwasher...but if you remind them that
it’s for the communal good of the family and emphasize the
important role they play in the household, they might be more
likely to follow through, As Peter emphasizes in the episode, we
take responsibility for what we care about and what we commit to.





Peter has some interesting takes on the idea of commitment, which
we discussed this week. As Peter explains in our interview,
commitment is not just something you pledge to others, but to
yourself.  If teens really want to commit to getting an A in
chemistry or make the soccer team, it won’t be because you told
them to. It will come because they motivated themselves! Helping
teens realize this can bring them to think critically about what
they really want to commit to, and where they want to direct
their efforts.



In the Episode…


It was so great to talk with Peter about how we can incorpor...