Ep 174: Key Traits For Resilient Teens

Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience Parenting, shed
light on raising teens who persevere. They’re sharing how teens
can balance independence and connectedness, and what we can do to
model resiliency for our kids.


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Full show notes


The road in front  of our teens is a rocky one. They’re
heading into adulthood in the midst of a pandemic, trying to
figure out what they want to do and who they want to be. They’re
attempting to find independence, but also curate new
relationships. There’s no shortage of obstacles in their path–if
they want to get through, they’ll have to know how to persevere.
They’ll have to be resilient.





But how can we as parents help them get there? Turns out, there’s
a lot we can do! And it starts with being resilient ourselves. If
we show kids that we can  bounce back from our mistakes,
they’ll know that they’re capable of it too. Then, when it’s time
to step out into the world, they won’t come running back home
scared. They’ll know how to roll with the punches, think on their
feet, and get up when life knocks them down!





To understand how we can model resilience for our kids, we’re
talking to Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience
Parenting: Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and
Dependence. These two have decades of experience both raising and
working with kids. Together, they own and operate a martial arts
studio, and Holly leads a childrens’ choir. Plus they’ve traveled
all over the world with their three  kids, and learned quite
a bit about resilience along the way.





In this episode, Chris, Holly and I are talking about the ways
parents can teach perseverance by example. Plus, we’re discussing
the importance of service, and explaining how teens can become
independent without sacrificing their connections to others.



How Parents Can Promote Perseverance


Although we’ve been around quite a bit longer than our kids, we
still find ourselves facing plenty of challenges. We have to keep
learning and growing everyday! Our teens  are handling all
the craziness of puberty, first love and fears of the future. It
can be reassuring to remind them they’re not the only ones who
are still figuring it all out, say Chris and Holly. Chris
explains in the episode that pretending to be perfect only
hurts  our children, because it makes them feel as though
they can’t make mistakes themselves!





Holly and Chris explain that when kids fail for the first time,
they begin to think of themselves as losers or failures. It can
be really tough to convince them otherwise! Chris and Holly
recommend reminding them that failure is not a person, it’s an
event! Just because they mess up once, or even ten times, doesn’t
mean they can’t bounce back. Holly emphasizes the value of being
vulnerable with kids about your own failures. Did you also
struggle with a class in high school? Or find yourself unlucky in
love? Sharing these experiences with your kids can help them push
through.





Holly reminds us that we can model not only resilience for our
kids, but integrity as well. When kids see parents doing the
right thing, they know to follow suit. But kids aren’t
necessarily going to notice, says Holly, so it can be impactful
to point out when we display integrity. That way kids don’t miss
it! When we lend something to a neighbor or volunteer to help the
vulnerable, we can explain to kids why we’re doing what we’re
doing. This guides them to see the importance of doing good. In
the episode, Holly, Chris and I discuss how we can talk about our
virtuous actions without just bragging about our selflessness!





Beyond just setting an example, service to others can be a very
positive part of life for both teens and parents! Chris Holly and
I dive deeper into this in our interview.



Helping Ourselves By Helping Others





Serving those in need is a great way to give back, but it can
also give us something in return! Chris, Holly and I discuss how
there are so many benefits for teens who take part in
volunteering and community service. Not only does it lift their
spirits, it also helps them meet people, socialize, and create a
network. This web of social support is something that Chris and
Holly believe is essential for remaining resilient.





This service doesn’t necessarily have to be in a soup kitchen!
Contributing to the well-being of others takes many forms, Holly
and Chris explain. In our interview, Holly demonstrates this idea
with  a story. She recently helped her mother-in-law hang up
some photographs, something her mother-in-law couldn’t do alone.
The experience took Holly’s time and effort but also brought them
closer together and made her in-laws happy…which is no easy task!





For teens preparing to enter adulthood, the lessons and
connections they make helping others will follow them as they go
on their way, says Chris. Life is tough, but when you support
others and find people who support you, resilience comes a little
easier. 





But some teens don’t want to rely on anyone–they’d rather sit in
their room with their ear buds in and the door closed, ignoring
you. They think that they have to go through life alone, without
anyone’s help! In the episode, Chris, Holly and I talk about how
teens can establish a balance between having independence and
being connected to others.





Being Independent Without Being Alone


When we experience a surge of success, be it a new job, a
promotion, exciting recognition…we want to run home and tell
someone about it! Chris and Holly believe that a life well- lived
requires loved ones, not just accomplishment. Teaching teens to
stay connected to one another can do wonders for them as they
grow into adults. If they’re going to keep their resilience and
bounce back when things go sour, it’ll be in their best interest
to learn how to lean on others, say Chris and Holly. 





However, Chris and Holly are also worried about teens who aren’t
independent enough! Some kids never learn to do things for
themselves, leading them to become too dependent on their parents
or other relationships. Although we need to have friends and
family, it’s also important to do things for ourselves, Chris and
Holly explain. So how can we strike the balance between these
two? It’s definitely not easy, but it’s possible, Chris tells us
in the episode. In our interview, discuss how you can help teens
develop autonomy while also forming healthy connections.





If teens have managed to strike this balance successfully, Chris
and Holly believe they can go one step further–advocacy. If teens
can start defending their peers when they see wrong happening,
they can develop a strong sense of justice that will help them
prosper out in the world! This is not just a way for teenagers to
help those in need, it’s a valuable way for them to forge strong
beliefs, a sense of purpose and impactful social connections.



In the Episode…





If you want to raise a more resilient teen, you’ll really enjoy
today’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above, we also
talk about:


How to get teens to take their earbuds out

Why you should create a culture of learning in you...