Ep 175: Creating Open Communication

Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, helps us break through our
teenager’s barriers to have vulnerable conversations, solve
conflict, and create more open lines of communication.





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Full show notes


Having an open, communicative, connected relationship with your
teen is awesome…but pretty difficult to achieve. Teens don’t
exactly make it easy to get close to them–when we try to have
heart-to-hearts, they usually just roll their eyes. Plus, it’s
hard to spend quality time together when they disappear to their
rooms for hours at a time! Being vulnerable with teens can be an
incredible way to bond with them and prep them with life advice
for the world ahead, if we could only get them to listen.





To make things more complicated, having these conversations is
usually a two-part process. Even when we’ve got kids to open up,
it’s another challenge altogether to know what to say! When teens
tell us about what’s going on with them, we don’t want to shut
them down or make them feel worse. We want to give them advice
that will help them become their best selves. Although this might
feel like an impossible task, we’re giving you some tips this
week to help you get there.





Our guest today is Mark Goulston, renowned psychologist and
author of many books, including the popular Get Out of Your Own
Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior and Just Listen: Discover
the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark’s
experiences working with patients and talking to parents all over
the world has left him with some powerful notions about making an
impact on teens. 





In our interview, we’re covering the importance of opening up to
teens, how you can create a safe space for teens to be
vulnerable, and how we can move forward to a promising future
with kids instead of dwelling on our past mistakes.





How Conversations Can Lead to Connections


Our words are often a lot more powerful to teens than we might
think. During our discussion, Mark shares a touching story about
how a talk in his young adult years changed his life forever.
When he was on the brink of dropping out of med school, the dean
of students told him he had a streak of goodness in him, and
fought for him to stay in the program. At the time, Mark's mental
health was poor. When the dean said Mark had a future ahead of
him, Mark finally felt like he had the power to go on. For some
teens, this kind of encouragement can be essential.





For others, it can be critical to know it’s ok to make mistakes.
In the episode, Mark explains how some teens constantly compare
themselves to their “perfect” seeming parents, and feel like they
can never measure up. By letting your walls down and allowing
yourself to be vulnerable about your own mistakes, you can help
teens see that they don’t always have to be flawless. Mark and I
talk a lot in the interview about the damage of pushing kids to
be high achievers and how we can move towards a healthier set of
expectations.





When you’re able to connect with teens on a deeper level, they
develop what Mark calls basic trust. This is an essential part of
growing from a teen to a functional, content adult. Without this
trust, they often feel anxious stepping into the world and don’t
have a sense of safety, he says. When you and your kid are truly
able to bond on a deeper level, you can reach what Mark describes
as “radical attunement,” which goes deeper than just surface
conversation and allows the two of you to be connected by
instinct. Mark and I dive further into his concept in our talk.





So you know how important these talks can…but how can we go about
having them? 



Asking Teens the Right Questions





When it comes to working out conflicts with teens, Mark
recommends looking towards the future instead of the past.
Instead of bringing up old points of tension from previous
mistakes, he explained that it can be more productive to ask
teens how they want things to be different in the future. Is
there something you’ve been doing that’s harmful? What can you
start doing to help teens develop confidence and healthy
habits? 





Discussing the future can also be a pre-emptive way to figure out
incoming issues before they become arguments. Mark recommends
asking kids what you should do the next time you find yourself
concerned by their behavior. Kids might say to text them, or
write them a letter, or just talk to them directly–but getting
their game plan will help next time there’s a tussle between the
two of you. Instead of acting without a plan, you’ll have their
input for how to handle their bad grade or disrespectful
attitude.





When teens are angry or acting out, they often don’t respond well
to punitive measures. What they really need, Mark says, is to be
asked how they are feeling–and why they are feeling it. Mark
suggests waiting until an upset teen has calmed down before
asking them what they feel is missing in their life or why
they’re feeling bad about themselves. Or if focusing too much on
achievement has left them feeling empty. Mark calls this a time
out, except it requires both teens and parents to take a minute
and acknowledge that continuing to fight will only make the issue
worse.





But what can you do when teens are resistant to letting their
walls down, or snap at you for even trying to start a discussion?
Mark and I talk about how you can get these conversations going
in our interview.



Creating a Space for Conversation


If you want to initiate a talk but don’t know if a kid will
respond well, Mark advises skipping the awkwardness of trying to
sit them down for a serious discussion. Instead, he suggests
having this talk while doing something else, like driving to the
store or washing dishes. This makes things a little more
comfortable and less confrontational, Mark explains. 





When teens are prompted to bring up serious topics, it can often
trigger trauma from previous wounds. Maybe you’re concerned about
the way they’ve been dressing…but discussing this might remind
them of the body insecurity so many teens suffer from. Some teens
become angry or hostile when prompted to open up, but if you can
meet them where they are and show that you understand how they’re
feeling deep down, it can help the conversation become more
productive and less hot-headed, says Mark. In our interview, we
discuss how problems can arise when teens begin relying too much
on angry outbursts to get your attention.





Mark believes very strongly in the power of mentorship. If you
can’t have these conversations with kids, there may be a
non-parental figure who your kid responds to a little bit easier.
Mark explains that when kids turn to a mentor instead of their
parents, it doesn’t mean parents have failed. Mentors are
powerful because kids often find them independently; this person
is someone they’ve sought out on their own. This figure also
keeps kids from being too dependent on parents, and helps them
learn to make meaningful connections out in the world.





In the Episode..


 Mark and I have a light hearted but rich conversation in
this week’s episode, covering a wide range of pare...