Ep 177: Tech Use and Teens’ Self-Image

Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Anything But My Phone, Mom!,
sheds light on how toxic tech use affects teens’ self-image.
Plus, she doles out tricks for more productive tech talks with
adolescents.


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Full show notes


Have you ever tried taking your teen’s phone away? How did they
respond? Did they scream? Cry? Bargain and beg for you to give it
back? For many families, arguments over tech use are an
exhaustingly repetitive part of everyday life. Devices can have
plenty of benefits for teens, but can also be addictive and
problematic! As a parent, it can be scary to feel like teens are
ditching their homework for tik tok, talking to random strangers
online, or running free all over social media.





Helping teens create healthy tech habits is hard work–but not
impossible! Surprisingly, it starts with encouraging teens to be
themselves. Confident teens are less likely to hide behind
screens, and more likely to immerse themselves in the real world.
But how can we help teens create this confidence? That’s what
we’re getting into this week!





Our guest is Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Anything But My Phone,
Mom! Raising Emotionally Resilient Daughters in the Digital Age.
Although Roni’s book focuses on young women, her years of
experience working as a psychologist has taught her a lot about
young adults of all genders! In her work, she’s found that
technology is the number one point of contention between parents
and teens. Today she’s revealing how we can talk to teens about
tech and much more.





In our interview, we’re talking about how technology can
complicate kids’ sense of identity, and what we can do to help
them feel secure in who they are. Roni gives us tips for striking
up critical conversations with teens about their tech use, and
explains how we can guide them toward enjoying their phones–in
moderation.



Social Media and Sense of Self





Knowing who you are at 16 is hard enough. Imagine having to
curate a good-looking, smart, popular persona on social media!
Kids these days are under a lot of pressure to seem cool or
interesting online, says Roni. This can lead them to get a little
lost on the road to self discovery. Many teens (and adults, for
that matter) find themselves obsessed with finding validation
online, she explains. It can be crushing for them when they don’t
receive as many likes or followers as they hoped. And even when
they do get the attention they’re striving for, it’s usually
aimed at their online persona–and not the person they truly are.





One of the first steps parents can take to combat this identity
crisis is making sure teens feel validated at home, says Roni.
When teens come to us with feelings about school, friends, or
practice, Roni explains that validating those feelings can go a
long way. Although teens might seem dramatic, it can do wonders
for their self-esteem to meet them where they’re at. Roni
explains that teens who don’t feel like they can express
themselves authentically at home often turn to the outside world
for approval–which can be harmful.


In our interview, Roni and I also talk about the importance of
making sure teens don’t feel stuck. When we’re investing time and
money into kids’ piano lessons, soccer league or dance studio,
it’s tempting to pigeonhole them into an identity. But sometimes
fifteen year olds no longer want to pursue certain avenues any
longer, and we’ve got to learn to be ok with it, says Roni.
Although guiding kids towards a niche might make us feel more
secure, it can lead them to feel trapped or held back as they
grow and find their authentic selves.





It’s one thing to talk to teens about self-identity, but what can
we do when it’s time to have an honest talk with teens about what
they’re doing online? Roni and I are discussing this in our
interview.





Having Tough Tech Conversations


So you want to talk to your teen about tech use…but you don’t
know where to start. Roni has some suggestions! In her opinion,
it’s best to start with some questions about intent. What is your
teen hoping to get out of Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat? Do
they use it to talk to friends, to network? 





Once you’ve asked these questions, you’ve paved the way for a
conversation about online boundaries and expectations. An example
Roni uses is cyberbullying. If you’re worried your teen is being
bullied online or bullying someone else, she suggests asking them
where they draw the line between being funny to being mean. Your
teens' answers might cause them to reflect on something they may
have said on Twitter, or a comment left on their Instagram post.





This reflection can be a lot more useful than simply taking your
teens phone or computer away. Instead of just temporarily
removing the problem, you can help them think twice about what
they’re doing online, and practice better internet behavior.
Plus, deploying productive talks instead of punitive measures can
help teens feel like you’re working with them creating healthy
tech limits, instead of against them.





Beyond the dangers of social media, some teens simply find
themselves obsessed with their devices, and won’t listen when you
express your concerns! Roni and I are touching on how you can get
teens to think critically about how much time they’re spending on
their screens.





How Teens Can Enjoy Tech In Moderation


For teens to have a healthy relationship with technology, they’ve
got to be able to self regulate. To help teens accomplish this,
Roni recommends giving teens some autonomy with tech use, and
checking in to see how they do. Can they put the screens down
when it’s time to start homework? Do they spend time outside with
friends instead of constantly playing match after match on
Fortnite? These kinds of assessments can help you figure out if
your teen has an obsessive relationship to tech, or if they seem
to be striking a comfortable balance all on their own.





If teens don’t appear to have balance, Roni says it’s time to
step in. She compares this process to learning to drive or ride a
bike. Parents can step in and monitor for a while, helping teens
navigate the digital landscape, before taking off the training
wheels and letting teens run free. Once teens can move through
the world of YouTube and Tik Tok without getting dangerously
sucked in, they can go at it alone, Roni explains.





One thing Roni recommends is making sure your teens know what it
feels like to be bored! Before kids had endless access to video
games, television and social media, they had to entertain
themselves by playing sports, or reading. Nowadays, kids don’t
really get creative about pastimes, which Roni believes is a
shame. If you can cultivate tech-free times that encourage kids
to explore other activities, they might find themselves a cool
new hobby or two!





In the Episode..


Taking on teen tech management is no easy task. That’s why it was
such a treat to have Roni with us today! On top of the topics
discussed above, we talk about:


What to do when teens seem to quit everything

How parents can use tech as a communication tool

Why kids need solitary time after school

How you can deescalate a heated conversation