Ep 178: Can Your Teen Confide in You?

Zach Westerbeck, author of You're Not Alone, joins us this week
to talk about how mental illness manifests in teens. He also
shines a light on what we can do to help a teen that’s struggling
with anxiety or depression.


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Full show notes


Caring for teens with anxiety and depression can be incredibly
difficult. No teen is the same, and living with mental illness is
different for every family. Because these disorders are so
stigmatized in our society, we rarely talk about them–making them
even harder to spot, diagnose and treat. Some days it might feel
like there’s nothing you can do to help your teen feel better…and
that’s not a good feeling!





No matter how hard it may seem, however, you’re not alone. Plenty
of people are going through the same thing–probably more than you
think! And by talking to professionals, you can discover some
tried-and-true ways to help your teen get a hold on their mental
health. 





Today we’re sitting down with Zach Westerbeck, author of You're
Not Alone: The Only Book You'll Ever Need to Overcome Anxiety and
Depression. In his post-college years, Zach found himself
fighting some serious mental health battles. Although he tried to
shove these feelings down, they only grew, culminating in
suicidal thoughts. When he reached rock bottom, he called the
only people he felt could help him–his parents. This set him on
the road to recovery! Now, he’s talking to parents and teens all
over the globe to help us understand how we can cultivate a
better culture around these disorders to save lives.





In this week’s episode, Zach and I are discussing what he calls a
“vicious thought vortex” to help parents understand what
depressed or anxious teens might be going through. We’re talking
about some small steps teens can take to get a handle on anxiety,
plus sharing how you can make your home a safe space for teens to
express their true feelings.





When Thoughts Feel Threatening





In our interview, Zach dives into his own story, sharing his
personal struggle with mental illness and the negative thoughts
he battled with. He explains that he often felt overwhelmed by
the anxious feeling of fight or flight, even when he wasn’t
confronted with a threat. The world suddenly became much less
colorful and exciting, instead looking washed over and gray. It
got to a point where he felt he’d lost control of his thoughts.





For teens struggling with depression and anxiety, feelings like
these can be pretty typical. Although we may think it’s easy to
deflect these ideas, they tend to be pretty stubborn in young
minds. Zach describes something that he calls a “vicious thought
vortex.” When teens try to deflect these troubling thoughts, they
often just come back stronger, creating a cycle that’s difficult
to escape from. Zach explains that if these teens continue to
ruminate on these thoughts, the effects could be incredibly
damaging.





So how can we combat this cycle of challenging thoughts? 
Zach explains that it starts with teens distancing themselves
from these dark ideas.  When teens realize destructive and
harmful thoughts aren’t a part of who they are, these ideas lose
power. Over time, the cycle can fade away, and teens will likely
feel better! In the episode, Zach and I dive deeper into this
cycle and the steps teens can take to end it.


For some teens, these darker thoughts don’t surface–some just
struggle with anxiety about everyday life. Whether it stems from
socializing, school, or the football team, there’s a lot to be
anxious about!  Zach’s giving us some tips to help relieve
teens’ anxiety.





Aiding an Anxious Teen


Teens might be anxious about all sorts of things: driving for the
first time, high school cliques, figuring out college and their
future career–the list goes on. For some teens, these events
cause mild nervousness that goes away with time. For others,
these things can be intense, terrifying notions that keep them
awake at night. It can be hard to help teens who harbor lots of
anxiety, but Zach’s sharing some ways we can ease their worries.





Some teens exhibit avoidant tendencies, and simply stay away from
things that make them nervous. A teen with social anxiety might
not approach other students at school to try and initiate
friendship, or might even beg you to skip school altogether! Zach
recommends that teens start small. Is there another quiet person
in class they could sit next to tomorrow? And the day after that,
try saying hi? Maybe there’s a club they could sit in on, even if
they aren’t ready to speak up in front of everyone yet.





Zach warns against the dangers of letting kids remain avoidant.
Too many kids are sheltered these days, he says, and can’t
transition into the world properly as an adult. Helping teens
push through their anxiety incrementally can be critical to
helping them grow. He suggests exposing them to uncertainty–not
in overwhelming amounts, but just enough to help them feel
confident encountering new things. When they face their fears,
they often realize they had nothing to be afraid of in the first
place.





But what if a teen never clues us into their mental health
battle? Zach explains that many people, teenage or otherwise,
think that they can’t talk about what they’re feeling. In the
episode, we’re explaining how you can create a safe space in your
home for kids to speak up when they’re struggling.



Making Space for Mental Health


Even when Zach was at his lowest, he felt as though he couldn't
talk to anyone about what he was feeling. He thought he might be
considered weak for sharing his struggles with suicidal thoughts,
or that no one would be able to understand. When he finally
decided to open up to his parents about the situation, he found
that he wasn’t alone. He was encouraged to get help, and started
the journey to getting better. If he’d been raised in a time and
place where discussing mental health was normalized, he may not
have gotten to such a dark place to begin with!





That’s why creating a space where teens can express their
thoughts and feelings can be incredibly impactful.  But how
can we do this? Zach explains that we can start by being
vulnerable ourselves. One of the worst things parents can do,
says Zach, is act as though they’re perfect. If parents can talk
to kids about what’s going awry in their lives, kids feel more
comfortable joining in on the conversation and sharing their own
troubles, Zach says.





But aren’t parents supposed to be strong? Shouldn’t parents hide
their weaknesses so that they appear stable to kids? Zach
explained in the episode that there is often a lot more strength
in being vulnerable than there is in pretending everything is
fine. Zach encourages us not only to admit to kids when
something’s wrong in our own life, but to repeatedly check in
with our teens. Encouraging them to talk about their feelings
might be a small effort, but it can have a huge impact.





In the Episode…





It’s so important to talk about anxiety and depression, and I’m
so glad we could bring Zach on to discuss mental health this
week. In additions to the topics discussed above, we also talk
about:


Why we shouldn’t tie happiness t...