Ep 182: Tips for Tackling “The Talk”

Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating & Start Talking, shine
slight on why sex talks are so essential, and what we can do to
make them less awkward. 





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Full show notes


For centuries, parents all over the world have been plagued by
the sex talk. How could we possibly cover all the intricacies and
complications of fornication with our teens? And even if we’re
able to sit teens down for “the talk”, they aren’t exactly
excited to get into an awkward discussion about the birds and the
bees. As soon as you start talking about body parts, teens run
the other way or cover their ears.…and you’re left wondering if
the two of you will ever be able to talk to about sex!





As difficult as it is to have these discussions, they are
essential to teens' physical and mental health. Kids are going to
be interested in sex regardless, and if they dont learn about it
from you, they’ll turn to the internet. And while the web can
have some educational info, it also houses plenty of dark and
disturbing content that can lead kids to develop harmful ideas
about consent and sexual violence. If we want to help kids form a
healthy relationship to their sexuality, we’ve got to step in
sooner rather than later…. and have that dreaded sex talk.





To get some much-needed advice on navigating “the talk” , we’re
sitting down with Andrea Brand, author of Stop Sweating &
Start Talking: How to Make Sex Chats with Your Kids Easier Than
You Think. Andrea has decades of experience working in public
health and as a research consultant, and now has a career as a
sex educator! Today, she’s giving us some innovative tips for
making “the talk” less painful and more effective!





In our interview, we’re getting into why it’s so essential to
have these talks…and why it’s so dang hard! Plus, Andrea tells us
how we can form community groups for teens to learn about
sexuality, and what we can do to ensure a sex talk goes smoothly.





Why Sex Chats Are So Stigmatized





If things were ideal, kids would get a decent sexual education at
school–but that’s not what’s happening, says Andrea. Although
federal U.S. guidelines suggest that schools have sex education
programs, only thirty states actually require sex ed to be
taught–and only fifteen states require these classes to be
medically accurate! And even the schools who do pay attention to
medical facts often have a curriculum that’s out of date, with no
regard for current research, Andrea explains. 





`So we can’t rely on schools to give our kids comprehensive info
about sexuality…where are they going to get the education they
need? Andrea explains that if we don’t want these lessons to come
from random internet searches, they’ll have to come from parents.
By surveying parents from all over, Andrea found that most want
to have these talks, but are too embarrassed! Andrea explains
that a lot of this is generational–if our parents were too
uncomfortable talking to us about sex, we often feel uneasy about
discussing it with our own kids.





In the episode, Andrea and I talk about how we can break this
generational cycle. If we can work up the confidence to have
these conversations, it can be a great way to share values with
our kids. Sex talks include discussions about consent,
relationships, and self esteem–all of which are important to talk
about even independent of intercourse! Andrea encourages parents
to consider their own values, and how they can pass these on to
kids who are still forming ideas about what sexual relationships
look like.





Having one-on-one conversations can be incredibly valuable, but
talking in groups can be helpful as well! In the episode, Andrea
and I explain how you can get your teen involved in a community
sex education group.



The Power of Peer Support


Andrea believes that talking to others in the same age group can
be a transformative way for teens to learn about sex! This kind
of community, formed around sex and body discussions, isn’t
particularly common–but Andrea says it can be remarkably
powerful. These kinds of groups can be part of a wider
organization, like the regional “OWL” program of the Unitarian
Universalist church. They can also be found online or, as Andrea
recommends, you can form your own!





Now, starting a group for teens to discuss sexuality doesn’t
sound easy. But after forming one herself, Andrea believes anyone
can do it! She explains that with an informal setting and some
basic resources, these groups can be formed without too much of a
challenge. If you want to find success, Andrea suggests being
deliberate about who is in the group–hers contains teens who
already knew one another, none of whom are her own
children! 





Although the group began was formed to discuss sex, it soon grew
beyond that. Andrea explains that the group expanded to talk
about the many challenges of adolescent life–from school and
overbearing parents, to body image and worries about the future.
By participating as though she was just another member of the
group, Andrea was able to forge trust among everyone involved,
and create a safe space to discuss anything and everything.





Whether it’s one-on-one or in a group, a lot can happen over the
course of the conversation about the birds and the bees. Andrea
provides some pointers for handling the tricky discussion.





Tips for Tackling “The Talk”


To really provide proper sex education to kids, Andrea recommends
having many talks over the course of your kid’s life. Instead of
one long conversation, short, casual discussions can feel a lot
more accessible to a teen. The earlier you can start, the better,
says Andrea. She recommends starting as soon as kids develop
basic language skills–although it’s never too late! The
conversation could come from anywhere, whether it’s a scene in a
TV show or a lyric in a song on the radio.





One way to ensure that teens are up to maintaining this dialogue
is by not being too reactive, says Andrea. If you freak out or
make a teen feel ashamed of their questions, they aren’t likely
to come to you again for advice. If a teen says something that
triggers you, Andrea recommends taking some time away from the
conversation so that you don’t lose your cool. As long as you
circle back to the topic eventually, it’s better to pause and
process than explode and violate teens’ trust.





Andrea suggests letting kids know upfront when a topic is
challenging for you. By being open and vulnerable, you’re
allowing them to do the same, she explains. Kids might have
opinions about sex that are different from yours, but Andrea
believes that disagreement can be a good thing. If you can have
open communication despite differing viewpoints, you can broaden
each other’s perspectives while teaching kids that it’s ok to
respectfully disagree with someone.





In the Episode….


It was so enlightening to speak with Andrea today about how we
can handle the perils of the sex talk. In our interview, we also
discuss:


How to set a tone of respect during sex talks

Why we should be concerned about porn

How to discuss tricky topics that aren’t sexual

Why it’s important to talk to kids about sexual pleasure