Ep 184: The Overlooked Influences on Teens

Fiona Murden, author of Mirror Thinking, explains the overlooked
influences on teenager’s behavior and character development.
We’ll discuss which adult role models matter, which are largely
ignored, and peer and celebrity influence.


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Full show notes


We know teens need role models…but what does that mean exactly?
Are we as parents supposed to provide a perfect example? Are
these role models supposed to be teachers or coaches? What about
celebrities? It’s not easy to ensure teens have the right heroes
to look up to–and social media doesn’t help. In our digital
world, it’s tricky to tell if teens are following positive role
models online or just obsessing over seemingly perfect Instagram
influencers.


As hard as they are to find, good role models can be critical for
growing teens. They provide young people with a metaphorical
mirror, encouraging certain behaviors and discouraging others.
With the help of role models, teens can find career success,
improve their physical and mental health, and gain a deeper
understanding of their place within the world. But without these
examples to follow, our teens might just find themselves lost!


This week, we’re talking all about role models, and how teens can
find them in today’s world. Joining us is Fiona Murden, author of
Mirror Thinking: How Role Models Make Us Human. Fiona’s been a
psychologist for over twenty years! She also works as a public
speaker and consultant across business, health care, sports, and
politics. Fiona has spent much of her life working with leaders
within organizations, leading her to wonder…how do leaders and
role models affect those in their sphere of influence?


In our interview, Fiona reveals how much of an influence parents
really have over teens. She’s also explaining how parents can
destress in order to become better role models, and why social
media is damaging teens’ self-awareness.


Parental Mirroring and Mental Models


Parents aren't perfect…but that doesn’t mean they aren’t role
models. In fact, parents are a lot more influential in teens'
lives than we tend to think! When asked to name their role
models, teens are more likely to list their parents then their
friends, teachers or coaches, says Fiona. And the research shows
that it’s true! Even though your kids might not listen to your
opinions on what movies to like or what clothes to wear, teens
have been shown to look to parents for cues about career, social
nuances and values.


A lot of parental influence stems from the way parents behave…not
what they say! Kids often unconsciously observe things that
parents do, and then, without conscious thought, mark those
behaviors as socially acceptable, explains Fiona. For example, if
a parent tends to solve conflict by raising their voice, a teen’s
unconscious mind will pick it up and replicate it. Fiona refers
to this unconscious assumption as a “mental model.” Even if
parents warn kids to “do as they say and not as they do”,
parental behavior can be incredibly significant to teens as they
grow up!


But what if teens are conscious of their parents’ behavior, and
actively choose not to practice the same habits? Fiona explains
that this is called “counter-mirroring.” Although it can be a
helpful way for teens to avoid replicating unsavory parental
behavior, it can also backfire, says Fiona. Sometimes, teens are
so afraid of being like their parents, that they stray too far in
the other direction. And oftentimes, teens tend to practice the
same behavior as parents anyway–and then feel guilty about it
later!


In the episode, Fiona and I discuss the idea of mirroring
further, and how we can use it to set the best possible example
for our teens. But sometimes, parents are stressed, frustrated,
or distracted, leading them to be less than stellar role models.
How can we as parents de-stress to become better influences on
teens?


How Self Care Sets an Example


For parents trying to balance working, cooking dinner, paying
bills and raising kids, stress is pretty inevitable! Parenting is
one of life’s most challenging endeavors–of course parents are
going to find themselves at the end of their rope. And like
anyone else, when parents get stressed, they don’t always
practice model behavior….but kids are still watching and taking
cues about how to behave! If you want to set a positive example
for your teens, it starts by taking care of yourself, says Fiona.


When we’re stressed out, we tend to be more directive, telling
kids what to do and how to do it, Fiona explains. Instead, we
should strive for non-directive parenting: listening, reflecting,
and asking kids what they think is best. Fiona explains that
non-directive parents often have more influence. Plus,
non-directive parenting requires modeling the ability to
patiently listen–something teens are certain to pick up on and
unconsciously replicate. But non-directive parenting is only
possible if we’re able to de-stress.


So if we want to be the best role models possible, we’ve got to
relax! Fiona suggests making a plan ahead of time for when you
inevitably find yourself stressed out. At the beginning of the
pandemic, Fiona worked with ICU doctors to do this same thing.
She prompted them to make a plan for who to confide in and how to
de-stress when things become overwhelming. And although many of
them found it silly at first, they reported back later that it
was incredibly helpful! If there are a few small ways you can
reduce stress in your daily life, it can do wonders for both you
and your family.


Even if teens are able to look to parents as role models, they’ll
also eventually turn to sources outside of the home for
direction. Nowadays, more and more kids are logging onto social
media in search of examples for how to act and behave. But is
this a good thing? Fiona and I are discussing this in our
interview!


Are Influencers a Good Influence?


When we were growing up, we may have turned to a famous author or
popular activist as a role model. But we only had a few to choose
from–kids these days are bombarded with hundreds of different
people online who are vying for their attention. Instead of one
cohesive role model, teens might have dozens of people with
conflicting viewpoints that they’re attempting to look up to.
This can be pretty disorienting and confusing, leaving teens with
a sense that their values and ambitions are scattered.


Fiona suggests sitting your teen down for a conversation about
who these influencers really are. Where are they from? How did
they gain a following? What makes your teen admire them?
Questions like these encourage teens to think critically about
the people on their screens. Fiona reminds us that influencers
often portray their own lives as perfect, and dissecting their
profiles to gain deeper understanding can help prevent teens from
being tricked by the illusion of perfection online.


For teens to really develop their own values, they need time to
reflect, says Fiona. Unfortunately, social media is making it
harder and harder for kids to reflect these days. Teens are on
their phones for nearly seven hours a day, using any moment of
downtime to pick up their phones and start scrolling. This means
that teens don’t always make time to stop and ask the big
questions. In the episode, Fiona and I talk about how teen...