Ep 185: Leaving Home Without Losing Their Roots

Jennifer Morton, author of Moving Up Without Losing Your Way,
joins us to discuss how young adults’ identities change as they
leave the nest and find new communities beyond their hometowns.


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Full show notes
When kids leave home, they embark on an entirely new adventure.
New friends, mentors, classes and jobs can help them develop
different perspectives and ideas. And while we want our kids to
grow and change, it can be disorienting when they suddenly come
home with a new hair color or completely different college major!
It’s especially jolting when they seem to have new opinions and
values beyond the ones you raised them with. 



So how can we help teens stay connected to their roots, even
after they leave the nest? It’s no easy task. When teens leave
home for a totally new environment, they might not fit in right
away…leading them to change their wardrobe, behavior and even
their beliefs. For some, the approaching professional world might
force them to conceal their real selves to get ahead. Every teen
has an unpredictable journey to adulthood, and there’s bound to
be some identity conflict as a result.



To help kids grow into successful adults without forgetting where
they came from, we’re talking to Jennifer Morton, author of
Moving Up Without Losing Your Way: The Ethical Costs of Upward
Mobility. Jennifer has worked as a professor of philosophy
everywhere from Penn state to the City College of New
York–meaning she’s worked with students from all kinds of
backgrounds. Over time, she began to notice that those from lower
income households tended to struggle with the social and cultural
expectations of college, inspiring her to think critically about
how young adults change as they leave home.



In our interview, we’re defining the term “code-switching”, and
how young adults often use this technique when they feel
pressured to fit in. Plus, we’re discussing why entitlement can
actually be a good thing, and how we can start having tough
conversations with our teens about the real world while they’re
still under our roof.



Code-Switching: What it is and Why it Matters


 For teens being catapulted into higher education or the
professional world, it can be hard to hang on to their identity!
They might find themselves talking differently, dressing
differently, hiding where they’re from or what their interests
are. This process of purposely changing the way one presents
themselves is called code-switching, says Jennifer. And although
it can often be seen as inauthentic, she believes that this
technique can actually be pretty useful.





 When we’re trying to get ahead, we tweak things about
ourselves, like wearing a nice suit to a meeting instead of our
favorite jeans. But this doesn’t make us inauthentic, says
Jennifer. It just means we know how to present ourselves in a way
that prompts others to take us more seriously.  When teens
ditch their hometown slang for more professional language, they
aren’t necessarily concealing their identity–just editing it for
context!





 However, if teens are constantly changing their personality
to fit in, it can be hard to draw a line between what’s real and
what’s manufactured, Jennifer says. To make sure teens aren’t
overdoing it, she suggests prompting them to think about their
core values before code-switching. If they feel that changing
their hair or accent is disrespectful to their own culture or
community, Jennifer encourages teens to refrain from doing so!
Holding on to this sense of a core identity is one of the ways
teens can stay in touch with their roots.





Entering the real world often means that teens have to start
speaking up about what they want or need. For some, expressing
their concerns is nothing new. For others, it’s a serious
challenge. In our interview, Jennifer and I are discussing the
idea of entitlement, and why socio-economic background tends to
affect how entitled our kids can be.





Is Your Teen Entitled?


 When Jennifer began working at a prestigious private
university, she noticed that many of the students felt very
comfortable speaking up in class or even coming to her office
with concerns. When she compared this to her experience at the
city college, she noticed that public school students from low
income households behaved in the opposite way–nervous to raise
their hand or confront authority. What Jennifer discovered was a
difference in entitlement between individuals from different
backgrounds. 





 As time went on, Jennifer began to see how a lack of
entitlement can actually hurt students. Those who came from
less-wealthy families didn’t feel empowered to take control of
their own education…because they often grew up without the
privileges of small class sizes or personal tutors. Jennifer
realized that these students needed to gain a little more
entitlement! Not so much entitlement that they behave rudely or
expect the impossible, but enough so that they felt their voice
matters within their own education.





 So how can we help our teens develop a healthy sense of
entitlement? Jennifer explains that within a school context, it
can be beneficial to have kids create a relationship with the
educator. If the teacher knows a teen isn’t always the most
confident in class, they can keep an extra eye out for your
teen’s hand when asking questions, says Jennifer. She also
encourages parents to remind kids of all backgrounds that they’re
allowed to speak up when they feel something isn’t right!





 All of this real-world stuff can be a little overwhelming
for teens taking their first steps into adulthood. In the
episode, Jennifer and I discuss how you can start having
conversations with your teen about impending adulthood so it
doesn’t hit them like a brick!





Talking to Kids About the Future


 When we’re helping kids plan a life for themselves, it can
be easy to just emphasize the positive parts. We don’t want to
freak them out too much, so we might gloss over the pains of
searching for jobs or finding apartments. But Jennifer warns us
against this! If we don’t prepare kids for the challenges they’ll
face, they may think that they’re to blame for the difficulties
they’re experiencing. Jennifer encourages us to have trust that
our kids will be able to competently face life’s curveballs .





 Teens are going to transform as they grow into adults, and
even if it’s hard to watch, it’s not a bad thing, says Jennifer.
Parents who try to stop kids from evolving will only drive a
wedge between themselves and their kids, Jennifer explains. If
parents can validate kids’ feelings and at least attempt to
understand the choices teens are making for themselves, Jennifer
believes parents can maintain a strong bond with their kids as
they grow into adulthood.





 Once kids do leave, they may come to you with
complaints–they suddenly hate the roommate you always knew was
bad news, or they can’t find a job with the arts degree they
begged you to pay for. And while it’s tempting to just tell them
“you’ll get over it” or “I told you so”, Jennifer recommends
practicing a little empathy and patience. If we can support teens
emotionally through all their growing pains, we can maintain a
relationship with them while they’re still...