Ep 188: Tuning In to Our Teens (and Ourselves!)

Neuroscientists Ted Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra share tips for
finding harmony and connection with our teens and with ourselves.
We discuss attunement, meditation, conflict resolution and more!


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Full show notes


The hectic life of parenthood can make it hard to take care of
your body and mind! When you’re waking up at 5 AM, trying to prep
lunch for everyone before dropping them off and barely making it
to work on time, running home to make dinner and still squeezing
in time to help with homework, you can start to feel a little
disconnected from yourself. Taking care of your family is so
essential…but what about self care?





If we’re not putting aside time for self-restoration, we end up
taking our stress out on our kids! We become reactive instead of
communicative, yelling instead of listening. We want to be the
most patient, level-headed parents we can be, but we can’t do
that unless we take care of ourselves!  If we’re practicing
mindfulness in our own lives, we’ll not only become more
connected to ourselves, but also to our kids.





We’re joined this week by Ted Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra,
authors of Missing Each Other: How to Create Meaningful
Connections. Ted is an associate professor of psychiatry at 
the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of
Pennsylvania, as well as the founder and director of the Adult
Autism Spectrum Program at Penn Medicine. Ashley is a therapist
and neuroscience researcher currently pursuing a Ph.D. in
clinical psychology at the Catholic University of America.
Together, they are dedicated and passionate researchers of human
social and emotional behavior.





In the episode, Ted and Ashley are defining the term
“attunement”, and how parents can practice it to benefit
themselves and their families. Plus, we’re discussing how we can
become better communicators, forge stronger connections and work
through conflicts with our teens!





Self-Reflecting and Reconnecting


In order to create harmony with ourselves and others, Ted and
Ashley believe we should strive for what they call “attunement”.
This state of being requires being deeply aware of our own
emotions and physical senses as well as the feelings of others.
It’s a combination of being relaxed and calm as well as alert to
our surroundings! Ted explains that we all have a natural sense
of attunement as babies that gets lost over time as a result of
the stresses of everyday life. If we can work on shedding that
stress, we can move closer to attunement, says Ted.





Ted and Ashley describe a process called interoceptive awareness
that can help you reach a sense of attunement with yourself. To
do this, Ashley explains that you’ve got to listen to your own
internal processes. When you and your teen are in the heat of an
argument, is your heart racing? Are your shoulders tense? Asking
yourself these questions is the first step of self awareness,
says Ashley, and can keep you from being reactive when triggered.
Developing an understanding of how your mind and body respond to
stress can help you manage it better and stay calm when things
get intense.





In the episode, the three of us talk about various different ways
parents or teens can destress to reach attunement. Ted and Ashley
describe different kinds of meditation, explaining everything
from standing meditation to meditating with others in a
community! They also recommend taking a little bit of time on a
regular basis to practice physical de-stressing techniques, like
releasing tension from your shoulders. This can be good
preparation to prevent physical stress when you’re in a
triggering situation later down the line.





After we’ve reached attunement for ourselves, we can strive for
attunement with others. Ted, Ashley and I dive into how
mindfulness can strengthen our relationships!



Creating Stronger Connections


Attunement is a powerful part of interacting with others. When
we’re attune to people’s emotions, physical state and mental
wellbeing, we can be better teammates, colleagues, partners and
parents. Ashley explains that even though our generation has the
power to forge connections online, we’re less synced up than ever
before. The important nuances of nonverbal communication can only
be experienced in person, says Ashley, not through the phone
screen!





The next time you’re having a conversation with someone, Ted and
Ashley suggest trying to sense their physical and emotional
state. By understanding where the other person is at, we can
create better communication and connection. When it comes to
teens, It’s especially important to pay attention to subtext, and
sense what they’re really saying under the surface! Even when
they’re lashing out at you or seem to be deliberately striving to
push your buttons, they may be experiencing a deeper sense of
frustration about their lack of independence or upset about
something that has nothing to do with you!





Sometimes, we can find our relationships strained for a while,
without a clear path to reconnection. But this doesn’t mean that
things can’t be patched up, says Ashley. She explains that
rekindling starts with self forgiveness and compassion for
ourselves and the relationship. Natural connection ebbs and flows
with the rhythm of life, she says, and these moments of
negativity or loss of connection can actually help us gain some
perspective on the relationship.





When teens are driving us up the wall over and over again, it's
hard to feel connected to them at all! But attempting to find
attunement with our teens might just help us end the cycle of
conflict and restore peace.





Restoring Harmony In Our Home





Using attunement to identify and prevent the progression of
negative patterns is one of the best ways to heal your
relationship with your teen, says Ted. When our minds become
accustomed to the cycle of a power struggle, it becomes a habit,
behaving like a domino effect to create conflict over and over
between us and teens. If we’re aware of how the cycle starts, we
can deliberately break the usual chain of events, and instead
usher in a new way of communicating and solving conflicts.





In the episode, Ted and Ashley talk about how parents can put
their own agendas aside to meet teens where they are. For
example, teens tend to want more autonomy, and they grasp for
this by resisting your rules and insisting they go to that party
past curfew. And while it's tempting to assert your authority and
just say no, Ted and Ashley suggest really striving to reach
attunement with teens and understand why exactly it is they want
to attend this party. Showing them you understand their growing
independence and making a compromise is a great way to start
rekindling a connection and end a cycle of defiance.





If a talk with a teen is getting really heated, Ted and Ashley
suggest taking a minute to pause and practice those de-stressing
techniques to get in tune with yourself, before checking back in
with teens. It’s like an oxygen mask on an airplane, says
Ashley–sometimes you have to take a second to set yourself
straight before you can really help a teen. We’re capable of
having fluid, productive communication with teens–if we’re able
to set aside reactivity and anxiety, expand our emotional
capacity, and make time to work towards reco...