Ep 192: Dads and Daughters

Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her, joins us to talk about
the challenges facing dads when it comes to raising teen
daughters. Plus, what to do when teens rebel against what we
believe in, and how we can create safe spaces for our kids to be
vulnerable.





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Full show notes


Raising a girl in today’s society comes with so many challenges.
Young women are juggling puberty, sexuality, academics,
friendships and more, all while trying to navigate the pressures
of the online world. The constant presence of social media puts
pressure on teens to have the perfect body, the best clothes, and
the coolest friends–basically to live an impossibly perfect life!
When teens are obsessing over instagram, suddenly wearing crop
tops,  fighting with all their friends and declaring that
they’re failing chemistry….it can be easy to feel like there’s no
possible way to help them get through it all.





To make matters worse, our teen girls aren’t exactly receptive to
talking about any of it. As young women inch closer to adulthood,
they tend to resent taking any advice from parents, and it seems
like everything we say just makes them mad! But just because
girls are changing, doesn’t mean we can’t still be an important
part of their lives. This week, we’re helping guide you towards
having more positive, productive conversations with your
daughters, especially during such a critical period in their
lives.





Joining us today is Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her: A
Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable
Daughters. Although her book focuses on dad-daughter
relationships, Kim knows quite a bit about how all parents can
cultivate healthy communication with their girls! She’s an
educator and speaker who holds both a bachelor’s in gender
studies from Brown and a master’s in human development and
psychology from Harvard! Her education as well as her own
personal experiences growing up as a girl inspired her to dive
deeper into the struggles of today’s young women.





In our interview, we’re covering what you can do to maintain a
positive relationship with your teen, even when they start to
reject the values you raised them with. Plus, what to do when
your daughter leaves the house in an outfit that’s a little more
revealing than you’re used to, and how you can signal to your kid
that you’re open to hard conversations whenever they’re in need
of support!





Navigating a Teen’s Changing Identity





Kids are still figuring out who they are, and adolescence is a
period of experimentation. Kids are not only forming
understandings of sexuality and body image, but also values and
spirituality! Although you may have raised your kids to think one
way, this adolescent period is when they might begin to diverge
from your teachings–and we’ve got to learn to be ok with that,
says Kimberly. In the episode, we talk about how kids approaching
adulthood are experiencing a tumultuous inner confusion over what
to believe and what to value, and how hard it can be on parents.





In particular, many parents can grow frustrated over an
adolescent’s religious choices, Kimberly explains. During this
period of change, teens question everything: their clothes, their
friends, their personality–so why wouldn’t they question their
faith as well? Although it can be a pretty emotional topic for
parents, Kimberly suggests taking a rational approach, and
letting kids find their own religious reasoning. As free-thinking
individuals, they’re going to take their own stance on religion
anyway, says Kimberly, and trying to force them to conform to
what you believe will only drive them further towards rebellion.





If we want kids to follow the same practices that we subscribe
to–whether those practices are religious, nutritional, social,
etc–Kimberly recommends simply setting an example. Kids are
pretty observant, and if you show them how your lifestyle
benefits you, they might actually come around to it. In the
episode, Kimberly explains how teens tend to drift from the
teachings of their parents, but often return to those values
later in life.





As young women are going through these rapid changes, they tend
to find themselves dressing differently! They’re navigating
sexuality and body image, leading to some outfits that can make
parents a little uncomfortable. In the episode, Kimberly and I
are talking about how we can handle these sudden changes without
ostracizing or shaming our daughters.



Are My Daughter’s Clothes Too Revealing??


When we see a teen about to head out with quite a bit of skin
showing, it can make us a little nervous. Our head might be
swimming with thoughts, worrying about their safety and wondering
what people will think. It’s tempting to vocalize these worries
to teens as soon as we see them, and we might even want to send
them back upstairs to change! But surprisingly, Kimberly
recommends against saying anything at all. In her research she’s
found that most teens do not react well when parents comment on
what they’re wearing.





Instead,  Kimberly encourages parents to do some research!
It can be helpful to ask around to other parents, school staff
members and other people in the community to see if your teen is
dressing in a way that’s particularly out of the ordinary. As she
explains in the episode, kids are often dressing this way not
necessarily to sexualize themselves, but just to fit in with
current trends. Teens tend to cherish the approval of their peers
and want to create a curated image on social media, so they often
wear these more revealing styles as a way to blend in. 





Although we can be quick to assign these clothes to our teens’
“bad” choices, we also have to realize that our daughters are
under intense scrutiny as young women. The pressure to perform,
fit in and buy what’s being marketed to them can push them
towards dressing this way. Plus, some teens just feel more
confident in garments that are more flattering than those which
are baggy or loose fitting!





Although we might want to avoid a conversation about clothes,
there are plenty of other things that we may want to communicate
with our teens about, whether that’s friendships, sexuality, or
puberty. And even though teens can sometimes run screaming from
these kinds of talks, there are also ways we can help them feel
safe being vulnerable.





Helping Teens Open Up


One common thing that can inhibit conversations between parents
and teens is the ever changing vernacular teens seem to have
about tech, sexuality, fashion, and politics. Parents may not
know the definition of words kids throw around when describing
their sexual orientation or their political standing. Kimberly
says we shouldn’t stress this too much, and if we don’t know what
teens are talking about, we should just ask! Prompting our teens
to teach us something is a really valuable way to show them that
you want to listen, learn, and take the time to care.





In the episode, Kimberly and I talk about a specific scenario
parents often find themselves in–when a teen comes to you,
telling you that a friend of theirs is in a bad situation.
Kimberly explains that sometimes teens are framing this as a
friend’s situation instead of their own situation, even when in
reality,...