Ep 193: Healthy Ways to Handle Conflicts

Gabe Karp, author of  Don’t Get Mad at Penguins,  joins
us to talk about how we can handle conflict with our teens in
healthy ways, stay calm during heated arguments and help teens
develop critical communication skills.


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Full show notes


We all have conflicts with our kids. Whether it’s over something
big like their college major  or something as small as what
they’ll eat for breakfast, disagreement is natural. As teens grow
into independent thinkers, there’s bound to be some tension in
your house. But when your  discussions keep turning into a
screaming match and doors start slamming left and right…you might
find yourself left wondering, is there a better way??





It turns out, disputes with teens don’t have to feel like
emotional warfare! With better tools, we can take the friction
between us and our teens and turn it into something productive.
Although it’s not easy to keep your cool when teens push your
buttons, there are some things we can do to avoid escalating the
conversation into a toxic argument! If we can bring the right
energy to these quarrels, we can create a more peaceful home and
strengthen our bonds with teens along the way.





To help us solve our squabbles in a healthy way, we’re talking to
Gabe Karp, author of Don’t Get Mad at Penguins: And Other Ways to
Detox the Conflict in Your Life and Business. Gabe’s trial lawyer
who later joined a small tech start up and helped turn it into
one of the biggest companies in the world! As  a venture
capitalist, he’s negotiated multi-million dollar deals. A
powerful businessman and a parent, Gabe knows just how much our
conflicts can drag us down if we don’t find healthy ways to
handle them.





In the episode, we’re discussing why clashes with teens are a
natural part of life, and how you can tackle them in a
productive, nontoxic way! Plus, Gabe explains how you can use a
“shopping list” voice to keep a conflict from escalating, and why
sharing  your own experiences with teens can help them feel
understood.





Keeping Disagreements Docile 





Although we might see conflict as something to be avoided, it’s
pretty much inevitable that we’ll squabble with teens, says
Gabe.  It’s not only a natural part of life, it’s a sign
that your teen is developing strong critical thinking skills and
confidence! Gabe explains that if we can lean into conflict
instead of constantly avoiding it, we can be happier and more
successful people. It’s important, however, to distinguish
between toxic conflict and nontoxic conflict, he says. While
nontoxic conflict pushes us to be more honest and find solutions,
toxic conflict simply exists to create more problems.





So how can we take the toxins out of our disagreements? Gabe
explains that ego and emotional thinking are typically at the
center of this problem, especially for conflicts between parents
and kids. When kids say they won’t be home by curfew, we start to
get anxious about their safety and frustrated that they won't
listen, leading us to get angry or lash out. We feel like they’re
challenging our authority, which can bruise our ego! But if we
can let go of this kind of thinking, we’ll be able to solve the
conflict with calamity instead of yelling or fighting, says Gabe.





It can also be effective to try and remove judgment, Gabe
explains. We’re often quick to judge our teen’s friends, as a way
of sorting out who’s a good influence and who’s bad news. But if
we express these judgments to teens and declare they stop seeing
these “bad” friends, they’ll only continue doing it behind our
backs. It might even drive them further towards a bad crowd! Gabe
suggests keeping these judgments to ourselves, and instead prompt
teens to make their own judgments.





In the episode, Gabe shares a particularly interesting method for
approaching disagreement with teens, which he calls the “shopping
list” voice.



Staying Calm During Conflict


When our kids talk back or break our rules, our first instinct is
to often remind them who’s in charge by raising our voice and
going on a verbal tirade. However, this not only drives a wedge
between the two of you, but also makes it literally impossible
for them to process what you’re saying, Gabe explains. When
humans feel like we’re under attack, many of our neurological
pathways shut down and we can’t take in new information properly.
This is typically what goes on in kids’ heads when you’re yelling
at them to do better!





Instead Gabe recommends communicating your frustration in what he
refers to as a “shopping list” voice. This means talking to your
kid in a neutral,  matter-of-fact tone, as though you’re
reading them a list of the  grocery store items you might
need. Keeping your tone dispassionate while still expressing your
frustration with the situation helps you communicate your message
very clearly to a teen, making sure they don’t miss the message
at hand. It can be hard, however,  to stay this calm and
collected when you’re about to boil over. Gabe shares some tips
for keeping cool in the episode.





Oftentimes, this shopping list talk can start to sound like a
lecture. Although you don’t want to react emotionally in the
situation, it can be helpful to speak with empathy, says Gabe.
Teenagers are feeling a lot of things, and showing that you
understand where they’re at emotionally will help bring them
around to your side of the issue. Some teens truly feel 
that their  life will be ruined if they don't go to a
particular party. Even though we know that’s not true, it can be
valuable to validate those feelings and even share a time when
you felt the same way!





In fact, sharing your own experiences and feelings can be an
essential part of conflict resolution. Gabe and I talk about this
in length in our interview.





Why Vulnerability Matters





Most of the time, we really do know how teens feel…because we
were teens once too! We know the crushing feeling of being
rejected by our crush, the social pressures of seeming cool in
the high school hallways, and the constant confusion about who we
are or want to be. If we can share stories and feelings from our
own youth, teens might understand that we’re not trying to ruin
their lives, but instead lead them down the right road. It
doesn’t have to be a story from your teen years either, says
Gabe. Maybe you’ve got a situation at work that feels just as
challenging as finding a date to the prom!





Once you’ve presented an idea to your teen and shared all the
reasons why you think you’re right, Gabe suggests giving them a
chance at a rebuttal. Even though you might not want to hear it,
your teen might just make a good point that shifts your
perspective on the entire situation. Teaching kids to justify
their beliefs, speak about their emotions  and provide
explanations for their behavior is a great way to instill
positive communication skills that they can bring into adulthood.





However, Gabe recommends straying away from telling teens what it
is they’re feeling. Although you may have felt angry and sad
about your SAT score as a teen doesn’t mean your own teen is
feeling that way! If you try to assign them feelings, they’re
bound to get defensive. Gabe suggests we te...