Ep 198: Emotional Awareness for Better Self-Control

Thibaut Meurisse, author of Master Your Emotions, joins us this
week to explain how we  can process negative emotions in
healthier ways.  He also shares why we need more
self-compassion and how we can stop caring what others think.


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Full show notes


Mastering our emotions is no easy task…especially when we have
teens pushing our buttons all day long. It can be nearly
impossible to keep our anger and frustration from overflowing
when teens talk back, stay out past curfew, or repeatedly refuse
to put down their phone! Whether they’re purposefully trying to
antagonize us or just have a bit of rebellious teen spirit, kids’
behavior can stir up some serious negative feelings for parents.





When we don’t learn to process these negative emotions, they can
build up and last for weeks, months, or even years–harming our
mental health, productivity, and overall quality of life. But if
we can learn to handle anger or sadness in healthy ways, we can
unlock a more peaceful, prosperous existence for ourselves and
our families.





To help us harness our emotions, we’re talking to Thibaut
Meurisse, author of Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to
Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings. Thibaut is
an acclaimed author of over twenty books about behavior and
mentality, and the founder of lifestyle website
whatispersonaldevelopment.org. His work has been featured on
wellness websites like Llife Hack, Tiny Buddha, and Goalcast!





In our interview, Thibaut sheds some light on how both parents
and teens can process their negative emotions in a healthy way.
Plus, we discuss the immense value of self compassion, and
Thibaut explains how teens can stop caring about what others
think!





Reframing Our Emotions


When negative emotions arise, we sometimes let them stick around
for a bit too long. If a teen says something that really hurts us
or we fumble an important project at work, we can walk around for
days ruminating about it. We let the anger and sadness keep us
from being productive, or feel so guilty about what happened that
we don’t let ourselves relax. But what if there was a better way
to handle all this excess negative energy so that we could be
happier in our daily lives?





Thibaut explains that there are three steps to processing our
emotions: interpretation, identification, and repetition. When
something happens–say, a teen slams a door in our face–we’ve got
to interpret it. In this case, we might interpret this as rude
behavior or disrespect! Then we’ve got to identify how we feel
about it, says Thibaut. We might feel angry, frustrated, or
powerless. Finally, we emphasize this feeling to ourselves over
and over, making it hard for us to get out of a negative thought
loop, Thibaut explains.





In order to get ourselves back on the path to positive feelings,
we have to change the way we go through this process, says
Thibaut. In the episode, we discuss some methods that both
parents and teens can use to prevent negative emotions from
taking over their lives. One valuable technique is the daily or
weekly practice of recording your emotions, Thibaut explains. He
suggests writing down the emotions that arise within you every
day, noting where they originated from, and brainstorming what
you could have done differently to prevent those tricky feelings
from bubbling up. He recommends encouraging teens to do this too!





One important way we can prevent negativity in our daily lives is
by practicing self-compassion. Thibaut and I are explaining how
self compassion works on an everyday scale and how you can start
being kinder to yourself.





The Secret of Self-Compassion


Sometimes, when we’re trying to implement self-discipline, we
ditch positive self-talk in favor of harsh criticisms of
ourselves. We might think that being friendly to ourselves will
only cause us to backslide into weakness! But being kind to
ourselves can actually have the opposite effect, Thibaut
explains. When we’re struggling to meet a goal or find ourselves
frequently failing, tough self-criticism can sometimes lead us to
just give up altogether. If we dont believe we’re good enough to
succeed, then we won’t give ourselves a fighting chance.





This can be especially true for teens who are still trying to
figure it all out. It’s not easy to  decide what you’re
doing with your life, all while navigating all the social,
academic and emotional challenges of modern day teenagerhood.
Thibaut explains that teens today are also especially affected by
all of the media they’re constantly consuming. Everything from
Netflix to Tik Tok forces them to compare themselves to other,
seemingly more successful people. In the episode, Thibaut and I
talk about how teens can be more encouraging towards themselves
as they’re growing into independent adults.





Thibaut and I also dive into a discussion about defensiveness,
and how it often originates from negative self-talk. When teens
are constantly berating themselves, feeling bad because they
flunked a chemistry test, they may feel deep down that they are
stupid or incapable, says Thibaut. When we later call them lazy
in the heat of an argument, they can be seriously triggered by
our confirmation of their internal self-assessment. This can lead
them to get defensive and blow up in our faces. Thibaut tells us
how we can help teens change their inner dialogue to show
themselves more compassion.





For both parents and teens, the opinions of others can play a
part in this constant self-criticism. In our interview, Thibaut
is giving some tips to help us stop thinking about others’
opinions to live a more carefree life!





How To Stop Caring what Others Think


Because we have to spend 24/7 inside our own minds, we tend to
see ourselves as the center of the universe, says Thibault. We
think everyone is watching us, judging us, and even laughing at
us as we go through our daily life. However, we often fail to
realize that everyone is caught up thinking the same thing about
themselves! Thibault reminds us that people are usually so
worried about their own lives that they aren't paying very much
attention to what we’re doing. While we’re still thinking about
our embarrassing slip up the next day, they’ve likely forgotten
about it, he says.





Thibaut encourages us to question how much time we spend thinking
about others’ actions. Sure, we might be frustrated that the
grocery store clerk forgot to give us our discount, but by the
next day we’ve moved on! We tend not to dwell on the mishaps of
others–meaning  others likely don't dwell on our mistakes
either! Thibaut recommends prompting teens to think about this
when they’re ruminating over a presentation or a romantic
rejection. Gently reminding them that it’s not the end of the
world can go a long way, Thibaut explains.





Sometimes, the belief that others are judging us simply comes
down to miscommunication. Since we tend to center ourselves, we
often assume people are making fun of us…when really they’re not
even thinking about us at all! When someone doesnt follow your
daughter back on social media, she might think it’s a diss and
feel deeply hurt…when maybe that person just hasn't logged on in
a few days...