Ep 201: How Minds Change

David McRaney, author of How Minds Change, joins us to explain
why it’s so hard to change a teens’ mind! We also talk about the
psychology behind persuasion and the power of peer pressure in
the teen social world.


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Full show notes


If you’ve ever tried to change your teen’s mind, you know that
it’s nearly impossible! No matter how much you try to persuade
them to take harder classes, hang out with different friends or
pick more lucrative extracurriculars…they tend to stick
stubbornly to their own choices. It can start to feel like you’re
going crazy, spending hours of your life begging teens to change
their minds–especially when it’s over something serious like drug
use or toxic relationships.





This disconnect applies not only in our homes, but our society at
large. Our world is more divided than ever, and it seems like
there’s no way to have productive conversations about what really
matters. Online forums and social media have contributed
immensely to this polarization, by allowing us to find people who
agree with us wholeheartedly, never challenging our opinions or
encouraging us to think critically. In some cases, this can lead
people down rabbit holes into conspiracy theories or even
cults–and it’s not easy to change their minds and bring them
back!





So how can we start up  productive discourse and change
people’s minds for the better? We’re talking to David
McRaney  to find out. David is a science journalist and
author of the popular blog, You Are Not So Smart, which ran for
years before becoming a successful podcast and bestselling book.
Today,  he’s here to talk about his latest book, How Minds
Change: The Science of Belief, Opinion and Persuasion,  to
help us understand the fascinating psychological process of
forming and changing  opinions.





In our interview, we’re discussing why it’s so incredibly
difficult to change our teens’ minds about anything! Plus, David
explains why we need to consider teens’ perspectives before
making decisions, and breaks down the importance of peer groups
in the persuasion process.



The Importance of Intention





You’ve asked your teen a hundred times to stop eating junk food,
stop vaping, start going to SAT prep. You’ve even laid out all
the facts to show them why they should listen to you…but they
just don’t seem to care! Why is it so difficult to get anyone,
especially teens, to change their viewpoint or lifestyle? David
explains that providing facts and logic to try and sway someone
doesn’t usually work. Teens are bound to cherry pick the
information they want to hear, and conveniently ignore any facts
that might disprove their opinion. 





So how can we change teens’ minds? David suggests that we start
by revealing our intentions. Oftentimes, we don’t realize that we
actually have the same goals as teens–and that we could be
working with teens instead of fighting against them. 





For example, say you want your teen to stick to a strict curfew
of 10:00 pm….but they haven’t been home before midnight in weeks.
Although your main concern is keeping them safe, your teen might
interpret this curfew  as an attempt to control them and
reject it outright. As David explains in the episode, people tend
to resist when they feel their agency is being taken
away–especially teenagers!





The result? You continue to nag, and your teen continues to break
curfew. If you want to stop the cycle, David recommends
communicating your safety concerns to your teen, and help them
understand that you just want them home in one piece. Most
likely, they want to stay safe as well! Now the two of you have a
goal you can work towards together–their safety. They might even
agree to a compromise that makes the both of you happy, like
texting you every hour or only going out late with certain
friends.





Even if you’re being honest about your intentions, however, kids
can be pretty stubborn. But how did they get that way? In our
interview, David and I are discussing the psychology of forming
opinions…and refusing to budge from them!






How Humans Handle the Ambiguous





When we’re confronted with  confusing information, our
brains tend to work out some kind of solution or interpretation
for the information we’ve just received–a process called
disambiguation, as David explains. This process depends highly on
our former life experiences, our access to information and our
environment. This means that everyone disambiguates differently.
When we see a new, trendy clothing style we aren’t used to, our
brain might turn it from an ambiguous piece of clothing to
something we dislike. Our teens, however, being from a different
generation, might disambiguate these clothes in an opposite
way..meaning you might be seeing them suddenly wearing something
you think is strange or even ugly!





These variations in disambiguation often cause serious conflict
in society. People from different backgrounds form remarkably
different interpretations of events and issues, and fail to
understand how anyone could possibly disagree with their
particular viewpoint. David explains that we’re so hyper aware of
our own disambiguations that we often can’t see the validity of
anyone else’s. Then, especially with the help of the internet, we
find others who agree with us until we’ve formed a group of
people who reinforce our opinion and rarely encourage us to
question it.





This stubborn divide in perspective is common among parents and
teens, says David, and can be one of the reasons why teens and
parents struggle to resolve conflict. Teens often fail to
understand parents’ perspectives, but parents can also be out of
touch with what teens feel and believe. We might try over and
over again to get teens to study harder when all they want to do
is hang out with their friends, forgetting that we were once
rebellious teens ourselves. During those years, socializing often
feels like life or death…and parents might benefit from
remembering that feeling and interpreting situations from their
teens’ mindset as best they can, says David.





Social pressures are incredibly significant for teens, and can be
a big part of their opinion forming process. In the episode,
David breaks down just how influential peer groups are in
decision making.



The Power of Peer Influence


We all know that teens can be pretty susceptible to peer
influence, but Dave explains just how powerful peers are in our
interview. For humans, reputation is incredibly valuable, even
more so then we may realize. He explains that humans actually
fear “social death” (or being rejected by peers) even more than
physical death. When confronted with the need to form an opinion
on something, human beings will most reliably choose a
conforming  viewpoint that keeps them from being ostracized
from the group.





David explains that this is often what keeps people stuck in
cults or radical groups. Because members of these groups are
encouraged to cut off friends and family who don’t agree with the
organization, they no longer have a safe social space where they
can express disagreement. Re-establishing that connection to
others with different perspectives is typically the only way out
of these groups.  Alth...