Ep 206: Building Character and Self-Awareness in Teens

Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend and Wired to Create,
joins our show to explain how we can help teens on their journey
to self-awareness. Scott and I talk about healthy self-esteem,
goal-setting, creativity, and more.


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Full show notes


Figuring out who we are takes a lifetime. In our teens, we might
think we’re destined to become a doctor…only to find out that med
school isn’t for us. We might believe we’ve found our perfect
match in our twenties, but then discover that there’s other fish
in the sea. We might even experience a mid-life crisis and become
an entirely new person at age fifty! Identity and self-awareness
are complicated and different for everyone.





To teenagers, however, it can feel like adult life is rapidly
approaching….meaning they’ve got to figure it all out right away!
They might rush into a college major, a relationship, or a big
relocation when they’re not fully ready. It can be hard to know
what you want for the rest of your life when you’ve only been
alive for 18 years! This week we’re talking about identity,
awareness and self- actualization, so we can help kids slow down
and embrace the process of finding themselves. 





We’re joined by Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Transcend: The New
Science of Self-Actualization. Scott is a humanistic psychologist
who has taught at Columbia, the University of Pennsylvania and
New York University. He writes the regular column “Beautiful
Minds” in the Scientific American and hosts The Psychology
Podcast, which has over 10 million downloads! His work has
appeared in The Atlantic, Harvard Business Review, and Business
Insider. He’s here to help us define self-actualization–and how
our teens can harness it for a happier life.





In our interview, we’re discussing how we can guide kids to
develop healthy confidence, define their life’s goals, and access
their creativity to discover who they truly are.





Confidence Vs. Narcissism


Self-esteem can be complicated, Scott explains. While it’s
definitely possible for teens to have a healthy sense of
confidence in who they are, there’s also the possibility of
narcissism. And although we often think of narcissists as loud,
attention-hogging types, there are also quiet, unassuming
narcissists, who keep their self-obsession in their internal
thoughts and close relationships, he explains. Scott and I talk
more about the difference between these two types of narcissists
in the episode–but neither type is healthy or a sign of self
awareness, Scott says.


To help our kids develop healthy self esteem instead of
narcissistic tendencies, we’ve got to treat them with
compassion…but not too much! Scott explains that we shouldn't
tell kids they are “the best” or teach them to compare themselves
to others. Instead, Scott says we should remind kids that they
are intrinsically valuable simply for existing. Instead of making
them feel like high achievers, we should simply strive for them
to feel like they are enough, he says.





In the episode, we also talk about how kids can have healthy
selfishness as well. This means they set proper boundaries with
others for their own well-being, have a stable school/life
balance, and generally just take care of themselves. People often
give away too much time and energy to others, Scott says, and not
necessarily in an altruistic way. Sometimes people can develop a
certain kind of narcissistic complex that’s fed by helping
others, but only in pursuit of their own egos, he explains. In
our interview, we discuss how some of the worst behavior in human
history has been declared “for the greater good”, despite being
destructive and even inhumane.





So teens have a healthy sense of self-confidence…but where are
they going to direct it? Scott and I also talk about how teens
can figure out their life’s purpose.





Setting Growth-Oriented Goals





Teens love to set lofty goals, but they’re not always
realistic…or what teens really want. Many teens strive to be
famous on the internet, he says, but this goal often fails to
help teens grow and self actualize. Scott advises that teens stay
true to themselves when deciding what to do with their lives, and
evaluate their strengths and deeper spiritual needs when planning
out their latest ambition! He also recommends  that parents
sit down status-obsessed kids and help them reorient their goals
towards personal and spiritual growth.





Scott describes something that he calls a crystallizing
experience–an affirming experience which helps us realize exactly
what we want to do with ourselves for the rest of our life. Some
teens are lucky enough to have this moment when they’re still
young, but some don’t have it until later in life. Scott explains
that it could happen any time, and even more than once! Our
identities continue to grow and change, so teens shouldn’t feel
pressure to have it all figured out right away.





In our interview, Scott and I have an interesting discussion
about hope in the face of rejection. While some animals have been
researched and shown to experience a natural sense of
hopelessness, humans retain the ability to remain resilient.
While the sting of rejection is strong, Scott explains that teens
can use both their sense of purpose and strategic minds to
persevere. In the episode he explains the strategy he used as a
teenger to get into the college of his dreams–despite being
rejected.





One important trait kids can strive to develop is creativity!
Scott and I are discussing how we can work to foster creativity
among our teens.



Raising Creative Teens


There are a lot of surprising ways we can help teens be more
creative, including letting them daydream! Scott explains that
when teens are zoning out, they’re giving their conscious,
focused minds a break and entering the world of creative
thinking. By turning off their productivity, they’re able to
access originality! He believes that if we want to raise teens
who think outside the box, we should give teens scheduled time in
the day to day dream, doodle, journal, and let their mind run
free. 





 Teens who are open to new experiences also tend to be more
creative, Scott explains. The more welcoming teens can be of new
stimulus, the less confined their thinking will be. In the
episode, he shares some fascinating examples of famous,
accomplished scientists who didn’t just focus on one area,
instead expanding their knowledge across different regions of the
scientific world. This allowed them to think outside the box and
have some of the most inventive ideas in modern science.


There are a lot of ways our education system could change to
encourage more creativity, says Scott. In his view, schools need
to assign more project-based learning, to help kids
self-actualize and build something that incorporates their own
perspectives. This is the first step to encouraging inventiveness
and originality, he explains. He also suggests that kids learn to
disagree with what they read in the textbook, and that teachers
be more open to divergent discussions that push kids to think for
themselves.



In the Episode….





Scott and I cover a lot of interesting ground in this week’s...