Ep 209: Communication Tips for Tough Topics

Derek Borthwick, author of How to Talk to Anybody, joins us to
share how we can create better communication with teens. We talk
about body language, initiating tough conversations and more.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Your teen comes home with a less-than-desirable score on a math
test. You want to talk to them about it, but the moment you try,
they run upstairs, close the door and refuse to come out. When
you ask why they scored so poorly, they freak out and maybe even
accuse you of calling them stupid…when all you wanted to do in
the first place was make them feel better.





Communication with teens is no easy task. Teens have a lot on
their plate and their brains are still developing, meaning they
can be pretty testy. But there’s a lot of things we might need to
speak to them about–sex, drugs, college, and mental health to
name a few. Open communication would make parenting so much
easier, if only teens were willing to try!





To help us solve our communication conundrum, we’re talking to
Derek Borthwick, author of How to Talk to Anybody: Learn the
Secrets to Small Talk, Business, Management, Sales & Social
Conversations & How to Make Real Friends. Derek is a
communication expert and certified business coach who specializes
in neuro linguistic programming–meaning he knows a lot about how
we use our bodies and words to communicate. He’s worked with some
of the world's largest companies and lectured in many of
Scotland’s most prestigious universities!





In our interview, Derek and I are discussing how you can read a
teens’ body language, how we can ask teens questions that don't
scare them off, and why we need to focus on emotional rather than
logical reasoning when talking to a teenager.





The Basics of Body Language


 Although body language might seem secondary to verbal
communication, it’s actually an essential part of how we express
ourselves. How people stand, walk and move can tell us a lot
about how they feel, says Derek. 





If a teen is hunched over, walking with their head down, or
standing far away from you, it’s possible they’re feeling anxious
around you…and maybe not in the mood to have a chat. But if their
chest, arms and palms are open and facing towards you, they’re
likely feeling comfortable and open to vulnerability, says Derek.
Paying attention to their subtle cues can be a good way to know
how receptive teens are to a conversation, he says.





 Derek suggests we practice by observing the body language
of anyone who happens to be around. Does the person walking down
the street towards us seem confident, nervous, relaxed or
stressed? How can you tell? Is it in their shoulders, their hands
or their stance? Learning the ins-and-outs of body language can
help us become better communicators with our teens, but also with
our coworkers, spouses and friends!





 So you’ve read your teens’ body language and can see that
it might be a good time to finally bring up that bad test
score….but how can you initiate the conversation without scaring
them off?





Asking the Right Questions





After a week of avoiding the topic, you decide to have a talk
about the math test–and ask your teen why they did so poorly.
Suddenly, your teen starts throwing all kinds of defensive
excuses your way, saying they haven't had time to study, they’ve
been distracted, they’re just bad at math anyway…until the
conversation ends up with an upset teen and a confused parent.
But what exactly was the part of the question that triggered your
teen…and how can we ask a better one?





 Derek explains that the word “why” can be a recipe for
disaster when talking to teenagers. “Why” can often make teens
feel you’re interrogating them, and waiting for them to say
something wrong, says Derek.. Instead, Derek recommends using
“what”, “when” or even “how”! Questions like: “What distracted
you from studying?” or “When do you think you can make time to
revisit the material?” prompts kids to give a more well rounded
answer without having to defend themselves so much.





If you want teens to feel safe enough to open up, Derek
recommends softening your language when bringing up a heavy
topic. One way to do this is to pad your sentences with reminders
that you care, says Derek. This can help soften the intensity of
talking about these tough topics with your kids. Remind them that
you’re asking about their sex life or drug use because you want
them to be safe…not because you’re trying to get them in trouble!





 To truly reach our teens, however, Derek explains that we
have to lean into our emotions. In our interview, we’re talking
about how we can do this…and why it's so essential!



The Power of Emotions





 To explain the importance of leading with our emotions,
Derek uses the example of flirting with a stranger. If we went up
to someone we fancied and laid out ten logical reasons why they
should marry us...they’ll probably make a run for the door! But
if we tapped into their emotional state, we’d understand that
they’d likely feel weird about that kind of introduction…and that
we should find a more subtle way to approach them.





 The same goes for communicating with our kids. We’ve all
had conversations with our teens in which we present perfectly
factual information…only for them to cringe, tell us we don’t
know what we’re talking about, or just ignore us completely!
Derek reminds us how essential it is to harness our emotions
instead when trying to get through to them.





He explains that the middle of our brain–the part that regulates
our emotions–tends to be in the driver’s seat for both parents
and teens, no matter how logical we think we are. That means that
teens’ first reaction when they feel provoked is to either flee
or become aggressive– and no logic can take them out of that
emotional state! If we want to make teens feel comfortable
opening up, we'll need to pay attention to their emotions first.





In our interview, Derek gives lots of tips for putting teens'
emotions at ease. One is a technique called mirroring, which
requires parents to repeat what kids say back to them in
conversation. This can help teens feel heard instead of isolated,
and ensures that parents get all the information they need.
Listen to the interview for a deeper dive into this topic and
more!



In the Episode…


 Derek and I had a fun and informative conversation about
communication this week. On top of the topics discussed above, we
also talk about….


How we can change our memories

Why teens are so resistant to communication

How we can be more charismatic in everyday life

Why we should avoid “yes or no” questions

How to get people's attention by changing our voices



 If you enjoyed listening, you can find more from Derek at
power2mind.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe and we’ll see
you next week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.