Ep 213: Guiding Teens Through Grief

Dr. Elena Lister, psychologist and author of Giving Hope, speaks
about why it’s so essential to discuss death with our kids. Elena
explains how to have age-appropriate talks when a loved one
passes, and how to help grieving teens who are struggling to open
up.


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Full show notes


When a loved one is seriously ill or passes unexpectedly, there’s
no easy way to tell our kids. While we want them to know the
truth and feel supported through any grief they might have, we
don’t want to freak them out or say the wrong thing. This is
particularly true when it comes to teenagers, who typically don’t
want to talk to parents about anything–especially intense
emotions.





But talking about death and loss can be immensely valuable for
teens, especially after a tragedy. Opening up a conversation
about grief reminds teens that their home is a safe space for
difficult feelings. For teens who feel like they’re mourning on
their own, having a parent to turn to can make all the
difference. 





Today we’re talking to Dr. Elena Lister, co-author of Giving
Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss.
Elena is a psychology professor and practicing psychologist. In
her work, she specializes in treating people who are struggling
with grief. She also travels to schools to help kids deal with
the loss of teachers, school staff or other members of their
community.





In our interview, Elena and I are covering why conversations
about death are so essential, and what we can say to support
teens who are working through the loss of a loved one. Plus, how
you can help teens who don’t want to open up about their grief.



Discussing Death With Kids


Although it can be one of the most difficult topics for anyone to
talk about, discussing death can also be incredibly important.
Death is an inevitable part of life, explains Elena, and kids are
often already aware of it before we ever bring it up. Pixar
movies touch on themes of grief and loss, and school curriculums
tackle famous figures who’ve passed. Without a conversation about
death at home, kids can sometimes feel like they’re grappling
with the concept alone.





When we allow kids to feel comfortable talking about death, we
help them claim ownership over their emotions, says Elena. These
talks remind teens that they’re capable of managing difficult
things in both the present and the future–tough emotions
included, Elena says. If we don’t offer them this refuge, teens
can bring the trauma of these losses into adulthood, where they
may have even more trouble working through them.





Elena explains that it can sometimes be tempting to lie to kids
when the reality of death arises–like telling kids that the
family dog went off to live on a farm when the truth is that he’s
passed. But lying can undermine the bond of trust between you and
your teen, Elena says, leading kids to be suspicious of anything
else you might say for years to come. Plus, teens can often sense
when you aren’t telling the truth, and might feel upset if they
know you’re hiding something, she explains.





Whether you have to break the news of a loved one's passing or
just want to help kids understand the concept of death, these
conversations aren’t easy. Elena is helping us understand what we
can say to help teens feel supported, and what terms or topics to
avoid.



Finding the Right Moment To Talk


If you want to have a conversation about death with teens, Elena
recommends weaving this talk into everyday life. It might not
seem intuitive, but bringing these heavy topics into a more
casual environment can make them easier to discuss. She suggests
leaving time for kids to ask questions after the talk, and then
returning to daily activities. It can also be comforting to spend
some time together doing something simple after, like watching a
movie.





What’s the best time of day for the conversation? Elena advises
us not to break the news of a loved one’s passing before bedtime,
she says, as humans are predisposed to feel lonely at night. If
possible, she recommends we  avoid telling kids before they
go off to school, unless it’s someone in their immediate circle.
Elena explains that kids often perceive a shift in energy among
parents and peers when someone passes, and this might cause
confusion if the circumstances are clearly communicated.





Elena suggests that parents choose a moment when they're free to
spend some time with kids afterwards–if the situation allows. If
you can sit with teens without distractions, they’ll know you're
there to comfort them and guide them through any grief they might
have. In our interview, Elena and I talk about how important it
is to put down our phones and other electronics during this
time–even though it can be tempting to scroll through emails to
deflect tension.





Sometimes, however, teens don’t want to start up a conversation
at all. This can lead parents to wonder if teens are struggling
to communicate their grief, or simply talking about their
feelings with someone else. Elena and I are talking about how you
can interpret teens’ closed-off behavior and help them accept any
feelings they might be wrestling with.





Guiding Teens Through Grief


We all react differently to grief, Elena explains. If teens
aren’t crying or showing outward signs of sadness, it doesn’t
mean they aren’t struggling. Some kids even feel guilty about not
crying, and might need a gentle reminder that any reaction
they’re having is ok, says Elena. When kids seem to be avoiding
emotion altogether, Elena suggests trying to find a non-verbal
way they can express their grief. We share more specific ways to
do this in the episode.





Teens are usually experiencing the natural process of finding
their independence, and may not want to talk to parents about
what they’re feeling. If they aren’t sharing their grief with
you, Elena recommends ensuring that they’re talking to someone
else. Whether that person is a friend, a teacher, a counselor or
a different family member, having someone else to open up to can
be an essential part of processing the death of a loved one.





Sometimes teens need the help of a professional, like a therapist
or grief counselor. But how do we know when it's time to call for
this resource? Elena says that if teens aren’t able to
reacclimate regular life in four to six weeks, it might be wise
to set up a professional appointment. If they aren’t eating or
sleeping, refuse to come out of their room or suddenly begin
acting up, they might need additional help beyond what parents
can give.





In the Episode…


There’s so much to learn from Elena in this episode. On top of
the topics discussed above, we also talk about:


What to do if a loved one dies while kids are away

How to speak to kids about suicide

Why celebrities’ deaths can trigger kids’ own trauma

Why every kid should have a goldfish



If you enjoyed this week’s episodes, you can find more from Elena
at elenalistermd.com, or on Twitter @Elenalistermd1. Thanks for
listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you
...