Ep 215: Eating Together, Being Together

Caroline Clauss-Elhers, co-author of Eating Together, Being
Together, joins us to talk about how cooking and eating with our
kids creates opportunities for deeper connection.


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Full show notes


For centuries, food has brought people together. Whether we’re
preparing a holiday feast with the whole family or grabbing lunch
with an old friend, there’s something about cooking and eating
together that creates a connection between human beings. 





But sometimes we lose track of the value of sharing a
meal–especially when it comes to daily family life. After a long
day of work and school, it’s easy to throw a frozen pizza in the
oven and sit your kids in front of the TV while you go upstairs
for some much-needed peace and quiet.





Although it can be hard to find time for family dinner and even
more difficult to muster up the energy to cook a meal, food can
be a great way to connect with your kids. Cooking together
provides opportunities to teach valuable life lessons, and
sitting down for a meal can bring laughter, bonding, and
essential communication. If you can find the time to cook and eat
together, food might just bring your family closer than ever
before.





To help us get the spices flowing and the conversation going,
we’re talking to Caroline Clauss-Elhers, co-author of Eating
Together, Being Together: Recipes, Activities and Advice From a
Chef Dad and a Psychologist Mom. Caroline is an award-winning
psychologist and professor at Long Island University, Brooklyn.
She teamed up with her chef husband to write this book full of
fun ways to incorporate food into family bonding!





In my conversation with Caroline, we’re discussing the important
practical and philosophical lessons kids can learn from
cooking.Creating delectable meals is a great way to bond with our
teens, and provides a unique space to discuss fun and serious
subjects.


How Cooking Can Be Educational


Cooking is more than just preparing tasty food–it also includes
things like math, physics, and plant science! Preparing food
together is a fun and productive way to teach kids about
everything from fractions to fruit, says Caroline. Younger kids
might be fascinated to learn about the composition of an egg,
while older kids can try converting teaspoons to quarts. No
matter how old your kid is, they’ll likely learn a thing or two
if they step into the kitchen, Caroline says.





If we want our kids to learn life skills like leadership,
perseverance, or patience, cooking is a great place to start,
Caroline says. Making a meal is messy, and typically involves
some trial and error. Before kids can produce the perfect omelet,
they'll have to learn to remain resilient through pooly cracked
eggs or burnt mushrooms!  If there’s multiple cooks in the
kitchen, Caroline suggests letting kids be in charge of
delegating duties. This lets them try out a little bit of
leadership and critical decision-making, she says.





The grocery shopping process is another chance to get kids
learning–this time about money! Caroline suggests comparing the
prices and attributes of multiple brands and asking kids which
they think is a better deal. At the end of the trip, kids can
look over a receipt and see how each item, discount, or fee was
combined to make a total payment amount. These lessons might seem
minor, but can be formative for kids still learning about the
value of both money and food, Caroline explains.





Cooking and eating as a family is more than just educational!
Parents can also use food to bond with kids in all sorts of ways.
In our interview, Caroline and I are discussing how food
preparation and consumption can be a path to better communication
with kids.





How Food Brings Family Together


In our interview, Caroline and I are discussing all the ways
families can use food to bond. In Caroline’s family, for example,
making apple cider is a common activity. She hops into the car
with her husband and kids and they drive to the apple orchard
before bringing the fruit home to make the cider and enjoy it
together. 





Caroline explains that the car rides are often the highlight,
because they give her family unstructured time to talk about
their lives with one another. Although they could simply buy
cider from the store, this from-scratch method is much more fun
and creates opportunities for connection, says Caroline.





Sometimes, there’s a specific topic you want to bring up to your
teen, but you aren’t sure of the right time and place. Caroline
says cooking and eating together creates opportunities for
heavier topics to come up organically. When your family is
gathered in a comfortable environment doing something low-effort
like eating or caramelizing onions, it often provides the chance
to nudge your teen about their college applications or find out
more about their friends at school.





You might be thinking to yourself, I don’t have time to cook! I’m
too busy working or running kids from soccer practice to
tutoring! In the episode, Caroline and I talk about different
methods for busy parents to bond with kids over food. There are
three meals and multiple snack occasions to capitalize on, she
says, and there’s bound to be at least one opportunity in the day
to cook or eat with kids. Even something small like cutting fruit
together or making a sandwich can be a good opportunity to chat
about your day.





But what do we do when we’re munching away on mashed potatoes and
teens suddenly bring up a serious topic? In our interview,
Caroline and I are discussing how we can listen and respond to
kids who are struggling with everything from school to social
anxiety.





Why Listening Goes a Long Way


When kids are coming to us with concerns about dating, drinking,
or a bad grade, the conversation can get pretty tense. Parents
tend to have opinions on these subjects, and sometimes when we’re
listening, we just can’t wait to blurt out our own feelings about
what teens should do. However, jumping in with a solution might
do more harm than good, says Caroline. In the episode, she’s
outlining a strategy for responding  to teens who are
struggling–and listening without our own agenda is step one.





Instead of chiming in right away, Caroline suggests listening
attentively and trying to understand how kids feel. And when we
do offer our two cents, she recommends we validate teens feelings
and opinions in the process. This can be tricky, Caroline
explains, as sometimes teens are being irrational or
unreasonable. But their feelings and your feelings can both be
right, she says. Acknowledging the validity of both stances can
be a good way to start breaking down the problem at hand in a
practical way.





Caroline explains that simply having someone to talk to can be
immensely valuable for teens. Studies show that having one
trusted adult in their corner can do wonders for kids who are
struggling with growing pains and trying to make sense of the
world. In the episode, Caroline and I talk about how parents can
guide teens through tough situations like social anxiety, the
pandemic, and more.





In the Episode…


I had so much fun interviewing Caroline this w...