Ep 216: Creating a Coming-of-Age Ritual

David Arms and son Steven Arms, authors of Milestone to
Manhood,  join us this week to talk about how families can
organize a coming-of-age ritual that helps teens embrace their
impending adulthood. They break down their family’s ritual, and
explain how you can create your own.


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Full show notes


Preparing kids for the responsibilities of adulthood is one of
parenting’s most critical challenges. Although kids officially
become “adults” at 18, the journey to adulthood starts long
before then. Teens are figuring out their values, career, love
life and identity as they move through puberty and high
school! 





For parents, it can be nerve-wracking to watch as kids attempt to
handle the challenges of growing up. When teens are wracked with
self doubt and insecurity, it can be hard to reassure them that
they're ready to take on new responsibilities! If only there was
something we could do to help them enter maturity with confidence
and security…





This week, we’re talking about a special ritual parents and kids
can complete together to signify the beginning of kids’ journey
to adulthood. We’re talking to David and Steven Arms, authors of
Milestone to Manhood. Our first ever father-son guest duo, these
two men are here to tell us all about a ritual that takes place
in their family whenever a boy turns 13–and how you can use their
model to create your own family rite of passage. 





In our interview, we’re discussing each element of their family
coming-of-age ritual, and its significance. Plus, how David and
Steven use this rite of passage to have important conversations
about everything from faith to sex, and how you can plan a
coming-of-age event for your own kid.



What Is A Rite of Passage?


When someone in the Arms family turns 13, the older males–uncles,
cousins, brothers, grandpas and fathers–plan an entire weekend of
activities for them. Throughout the weekend, the 13 year-old
faces a slate of leadership tasks, and receives advice about life
from each of his older relatives. This entire trip is kept secret
from the participant, until it's already underway, Steve and
David explain.





In the episode, David breaks down the rite of passage weekend he
planned for Steven, which took place at a lakeside cabin.
Throughout the weekend, there was a burning fire that Steven was
expected to maintain. Instead of stoking it himself from morning
to night, Steven took leadership and delegated its upkeep to each
member of the family. The ability to practice leadership on a
small, controlled scale is a big way to nudge kids towards adult
responsibilities, they explain.





To David and Steven, devout Christians, the fire is an important
biblical symbol or resilience. They encourage the listener to
find their own version of this activity based on their personal
faith or values. Other parts of their ritual, like each man
reading a bible verse, can be replaced by recommending important
books or sharing significant stories between the group–whatever
your family is comfortable doing.





Beyond just activities, the rite of passage also includes having
important discussions about life and growing up. Steven and David
are breaking down how to approach heavy topics with teens as
they’re coming of age.



Talking About The Big Stuff





During Steven’s rite of passage weekend, the men of his family
had an open discussion about sex–which helped him develop a
healthy relationship with his own sexuality, he says. Steven
explains how hearing his family members discuss sex in a
non-judgemntal manner among one another made him feel as though
he could ask them anything. By removing the stigma around sex,
the men were able to create a safe space to discuss it.





One of the main messages the older men attempt to impart on each
trip is one of unconditional love and support. Reminding kids
that you’ll love them no matter what provides them with the
ability to have open dialogue with you no matter how old they
are.





For example, Steven recalls a period where he was questioning his
own values, and didn’t know if he could talk to his parents about
it. Once he remembered the rite of passage weekend, however, he
realized his family was a safe place for challenging discussions,
and opened up to his grandfather about what he was feeling. His
grandfather’s advice set him back on track and reminded him that
he’s not alone.





David explains in the episode that kids are going to look for
ways to feel like an adult as they move through teenagerhood, and
sometimes turn to drugs or other risky behavior to feel mature.
If we can have conversations with them about maturity while
they’re in the process of growing up, we can help prevent them
from going down a bad road. 





So how can we create our own rite on passage weekend? What if our
kids are older–is it too late? David, Steven and I are explaining
how you can create a version of the ritual for your own family.



Creating Your Own Ritual


If you’re interested in recreating this coming of age ritual or
designing your own, David and Steven recommend planning far in
advance. They always send emails to family members months and
weeks in advance, to ensure that they’d be able to fit the
weekend into their busy lives. The more planning you do, the
better, they explain, especially if you’re feeling nervous or
overwhelmed. With a schedule and prepared discussion topics, no
one will have to wing anything.





For parents who aren’t as close to their extended family or are
pressed for time planning the weekend, a one-on-one event between
father and son is better than nothing, they explain. David and
Steven also encourage a little bit of spontaneity, recalling the
valuable memories they made doing unplanned activities during the
weekend. And although closer to 13 is better, it’s never too late
to plan a weekend like this for kids.





David and Steven touch on the value of a gift passed between
father and son at the end of the weekend–a gift that requires
responsibility to signal their newfound maturity. This gift
doesn't have to be expensive, but instead rich in sentimental
value. David gave his sons each a piece of his own father’s coin
collection, but encouraged parents to find their own version of
this gift. It could be a piece of jewelry, a pet or a family
antique, something to remind kids that they’re burgeoning adults
with a new level of expected responsibility.



In The Episode…





I enjoyed talking to David and Steven this week about their
unique family ritual. On top of the topics discussed above, we
also talk about:


Why this ritual prepares kids to take on household chores

How different cultures inspired their take on a rite of
passage

Why each mentor should leave teens with a book to read

How handwritten letters can play a role in the ritual



If you liked this episode, you can check out David and Steven’s
website, milestonetomanhood.com. Don’t forget to share and
subscribe, and we’ll see you next week!


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