Ep 219: Discipline Without Negativity

Darby Fox, author of Rethinking Your Teenager, joins us to
discuss how we can implement discipline without falling into
negative cycles with our kids. We also talk about how why we
should rethink the sex talk and the importance of teaching kids
kindness.





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Full show notes


We all know what it’s like to get caught in a negative cycle with
our kids. They break the rules, we crack down, they retaliate,
then the whole thing happens over and over again. All we want is
to keep the peace, but it feels impossible when teens constantly
test our boundaries and nerves!





The truth is, it’s not easy to implement discipline and still
maintain a positive relationship with teens. We want to set
rules, but we don’t want teens to think we’re suspicious of them.
We want to maintain authority without being a tyrant. How can we
keep our close bond with teens while enforcing the rules?





To find out, we’re talking to Darby Fox, author of Rethinking
Your Teenager: Shifting from Control and Conflict to Structure
and Nurture to Raise Accountable Young Adults. Darby is a child
and adolescent family psychologist with a private practice in
Connecticut. She has over 20 years of experience working with
families, and is here to help us take a new approach to our
communication with teens.





In our interview, Darby and I are discussing why we need to
understand our kids’ mindsets, why parents should rethink the sex
talk, and how we can enforce discipline without sacrificing our
relationship with our kids.





Understanding the Teenage Mindset


As parents, we have dreams and goals for our kids. We hope
they'll get great grades, go to a prestigious university, 
become successful adults and live happily ever after. It can be
terrifying when we feel like they’re straying onto the wrong
path–and our fear can lead us to say some things we regret. We
tell them we’re disappointed, that this isn’t how we raised them,
and that they should know better….but this only seems to make
both teens and parents feel worse in the end.





Instead, Darby suggests that we try to get into teens’ heads to
figure out what’s motivating their behavior. She recommends that
we stop looking for solutions to whatever problem teens are
having, and instead talk to them about what’s causing the
problem. Finding out teens’ motivations, fears, worries, and
thoughts can open up the door to some great, productive
conversations about their behavior, she says, instead of just
shutting them down by scolding or yelling.





Teen’s brains are still developing, and this means that they’re
often driven towards short-term gratification and excitement.
They’re not trying to get themselves into a bad spot, they just
want fun and novelty, says Darby. If we really want them to make
good choices, we might just have to let them make bad ones, she
says. While we can spend all day telling teens why they shouldn’t
drink, it might not stop them from blacking out and crawling
home. 





When they do, Darby recommends that instead of shaming them, we
sit down with them and help them break down what happened. This
might help them rethink the situation, and whether or not they
really want to touch alcohol again for a while, Darby says. She
believes parents should behave like gutters in a bowling
alley–there in case things go off their intended path.





Of all the tough conversations parents have to have with kids,
the sex talk might be the most awkward. In our interview, Darby
and I are talking about how you can take a more accepting
approach to “the talk.”





Rethinking The Sex Talk


Darby’s first recommendation for parents heading into a sex talk
is to be direct. There’s often a lot of hemming and hawing about
what we should and shouldn’t tell kids, if we should shelter them
or avoid specific topics. But if we’re just honest and open, the
talk can be a lot more effective, she says. She even recommends
asking about what’s been going on at school–if they’ve been
hearing about what other kids are doing and what they think about
it.





Sometimes teens’ feeling about sex can be layered. They might
feel a social pressure to start before they’re ready, or a need
to seek validation from others that might result in promiscuous
behavior. Maybe they have questions that they feel like they’re
not able to ask anyone, and this can lead them to feel isolated.
All this can make having the talk even harder–but also more
essential, says Darby.





When you’re dishing out information to teens, Darby says it's ok
if they don’t respond, or run away cringing after. What’s most
important is that they listened and received the information, she
says. In the episode, we talk about what topics we should
emphasize in the talk, including adolescent identity formation,
how to notice red flags in potential partners, and possible
gendered differences when it comes to first love.





To wrap up our conversation, Darby and I are talking about
discipline, and how some parents set their kids up to fail by
disciplining too much or too little. Plus, the importance of
mutual respect when communicating with kids.





The Key to Effective Discipline


When kids are pushing our buttons, it's easy to let our emotions
escalate. But when we’re yelling and pointing fingers, we aren’t
really our best selves, says Darby. It’s important to stay
somewhat neutral, or at least not let our emotions get the better
of us when teens are exhibiting triggering behavior. Darby
recommends that we pause when we feel ourselves getting riled up,
and take a minute to ask ourselves why we’re feeling so
emotional.





When you do lose your temper, Darby recommends taking a second to
apologize. Parents aren’t perfect, and it's ok to acknowledge
that, she says. It can help to remind teens that you might not
agree with them, but you still trust them and understand their
way of thinking. Darby explains that a parent-child relationship
requires mutual respect, just like any other relationship.





Modeling manners and respect can actually be critical to helping
kids develop healthy self-esteem, says Darby. Although most
parents aim to teach their kids the value of kindness in a small
way, Darby says this should actually be a major priority. Helping
kids realize that they're not the center of the universe is
essential if we want them to grow up with a sense of
selflessness. When they help others, they also build up their own
self worth, all while making the world a better place.





In The Episode…


Darby shares so much wisdom with us in this week’s interview. On
top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:


How we can change the conversation around substances

Why we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other parents

How we can approach the topic of divorce

What to do when teens get a bad grade



If you enjoyed this episode, you can find more from Darby on her
website, darbyfox.com, or on twitter @askdarbyfox. Thanks for
listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe! We’ll see you
next week.


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