Ep 221: The Forgotten Power of Friendship

Marisa Franco, author of Platonic, discusses how society devalues
friendship in favor of romantic relationships—and the power of
re-prioritizing friendship. Plus, how to turn a stranger into a
friend, and harness emotional management for healthier, more
meaningful companionship.


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Full show notes


We often place our romantic relationships above all else–just
look how many new dating apps are invented every year! We pledge
to love each other until death does us part, assuming that our
perfect soulmate might be the only person we’ll ever need. And
although love, marriage and the baby carriage can bring us plenty
of joy, we sometimes forget about a tried-and-true source of
support and kindness–friendship.





Unfortunately, we often treat friendship as secondary, when we
should be doing the opposite. Our friendships tend to outlast
those romantic relationships…even when we thought that love was
forever. Plus, having strong friendships has been linked to
higher self-esteem, greater levels of empathy, and an overall
increase in quality of life. This especially true for teens, who
are still learning how to forge strong relationships of all
kinds.





So how can we encourage teens to make more friends? We’re asking
Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment
Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. Marisa is a professor at the
University of Maryland who writes regularly for Psychology Today.
She’s also been featured in media outlets like the New York
Times, NPR, and Good Morning America!





In our interview, Marisa and I are talking about why our culture
stopped valuing friendship–and why we need to start prioritizing
our friends again. We also discuss tips and tricks for making new
friends, and how traits like authenticity and vulnerability can
lead to deeper, more satisfying friendships.





Why Friendship is Powerful





When two people become romantically linked, we typically describe
them as being “more than friends.” This implies that romantic
love is at the top of the hierarchy, and often reinforces the
idea that romantic or sexual love is the only kind of love that
makes us “worthy,” says Marisa. 





But friendship can be an incredible and bountiful form of love,
and one we shouldn’t neglect, she explains. In the episode, we
discuss why platonic love became stigmatized as homophobia grew
in society, until romantic love became the only acceptable
alternative.





Marisa explains that friendship also has benefits beyond just
giving us someone to talk to. Having friendships in childhood and
adolescence has been linked to higher levels of empathy,
morality, and self consciousness in adult life. Companionship
with others helps teens expand their understanding of the world
and pick up new interests and hobbies. Making a friend who likes
to golf might encourage teens to try golfing–and the same goes
for skiing, chess, or any other activity!





Friends can also increase teens’ feelings of safety and security,
even when it comes to physical threats, Marisa explains.
Researchers found that when people have friends nearby, they
describe possible dangers–like an impending shooter or even a
steep hill–as significantly less frightening. 





This can be a double-edged sword for teenagers, however, as being
with a group of peers can embolden them to partake in certain
risky behaviors. In the episode, Marisa and I explain how teens
can harness the power of friendship for good instead of getting
into trouble.





Having friends is great, but some teens have trouble getting to
know their peers. In our interview, Marisa shares some great
advice for teens who are struggling to connect with others.



The Art of Making Friends





We typically don’t try to “force” friendships with strangers…we’d
prefer it to just happen naturally! But very few friendships
actually happen naturally, Marisa says. Most of the time, one or
both parties have to be intentional about creating the
friendship, as well as maintaining it.





Oftentimes, there’s one person within a group who initiates
friendships with the others, a person whom Marisa calls “the
igniter.” Marisa explains that we should encourage teens to be
igniters, and create new friendships wherever they can. Not only
will this lead them to have a wider circle, but it gives them the
chance to control the dynamic of their social settings by being
the “connector.” 





Step one is usually talking to strangers, however, something most
of us would rather avoid doing.  Marisa encourages teens,
adults, and everyone in between to approach strangers for a
conversation, and simply assume that people will respond
positively! In the episode, she breaks down some research that
indicates that those who assume they’ll be liked by strangers
come across much more confident and have a higher chance of
making friends.





We also tend to bond with people to whom we are repeatedly
exposed, says Marisa. School, work and hobbies are where most
people form connections to others, simple from just being around
one another. For this reason, Marisa encourages us to sign our
kids up for plenty of extracurriculars, so that they’re in the
same room with certain peers over and over.





Making friends is one thing, but keeping them is another! In the
episode, Marisa is explaining how we can form stronger, more
durable bonds by being vulnerable and authentic. 



Forging Stronger Friendships


If we want sturdy and intimate connections to others, we have to
be vulnerable with them, says Marisa. Sometimes we suppress our
feelings and refuse to admit when we need someone to lean on–but
this holds us back from having the close, satisfying friendships
we desire, Marisa explains. If we’re not showing our friends
we’re in pain, how will they know that we’re hurting?





This is especially true for young men, who are often taught to
hold their emotions in. When boys feel like they can’t share
their struggles with friends, they find themselves facing tough
situations without a support system. This emotional suppression
among men and boys as been proven to increase rates of mental
illness, suicidal ideation and even harmful physical health
conditions. 





 To help boys express their emotions, Marisa says that
fathers need to model emotional vulnerability. Boys are bound to
look towards male role models for how to behave, and will take
positive cues from fathers who talk about their feelings or even
go to therapy!





Authenticity is also an important part of forming lasting
friendships, and it often comes with emotional management, Marisa
explains. Those who are uncomfortable with feelings like jealousy
tend to take out their feelings on friends by being petty or
fake, says Marisa. She encourages teens to be “mindful, not
primal,” by paying attention to and handling their emotions
without forcing them onto others. 





In the Episode…





There’s so much great advice in this episode that you won’t want
to miss! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk
about:


How we can set ...