Ep 222: Demystifying Sex

Benjamin Dunks, author of Intimacy, comes on the show to
demystify common concerns and misconceptions teens have about
sex. We discuss how parents can rethink the sex talk, why teens
might be insecure about intimacy, and cover tricky topics like
orgasms and even penis size.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Most teens have a million questions about sex: When should I have
it for the first time? How do I find the right person to do it
with? What’s the best way to ask for consent? How does sex even
happen?





Typically, kids don't exactly feel comfortable coming to parents
with these concerns–and might even be too scared to ask their
friends. Instead they often turn to porn for explanations…and
although not all pornography is bad, there are plenty of harmful
things online for kids to find.





So how can we make sure kids learn about sex in a healthy
way? 





To find out, we’re talking to Benjamin Dunks, author of Intimacy:
A Guide to Young Men About Sex. Benjamin is a professional in the
world of dance who’s studied the human body in both artistic and
scientific ways. He’s spent the past four years interviewing
young people about sex and intimacy to find out where their
concerns and confusion lie.





In our interview, we’re discussing how parents can have effective
sex talks with kids, and how teens can deal with insecurities
like lack of experience or anatomical differences. Plus,we run
through the most critical things kids should know before they
have their first intimate encounter.



Tweaking “The Talk”





When parents are approaching the sex talk, we often come from a
place of fear, says Benjamin. We’re scared that our kids might
get pregnant, contract an STD, acquire a bad reputation, get
their feelings hurt–the list goes on. But when we come out of the
gates full of warnings and negativity, we sometimes unwittingly
push kids in the opposite direction, Benjamin explains. They roll
their eyes at our advice, and then do the opposite of what we
tell them!





Instead, Benjamin recommends opening ourselves up to an honest
and frank talk about intimacy, and even emphasizing the positive
aspects. This can help kids see the pros and cons of becoming
sexually active, without scaring them off with tales of terror.
When we open up this line of communication with teens, it can
also create trust that extends past sex talks and into other
parts of life, says Benjamin.





So where can we start when it comes to “the talk?” Benjamin
suggests starting with lighter questions, and easing into the
heavy stuff.. Benjamin also recommends that parents open up about
their own experiences–although maybe without all the details!
Reminding kids that you also felt scared or confused about sex
when you were young might make them feel less alone, Benjamin
says.



Facing Insecurities About Intimacy





Teens can be insecure about lots of things, sex included. Many
teenagers, especially young boys, might feel insecure about their
lack of knowledge or experience surrounding intimate encounters.





This is often because young men are taught that masculinity is
all about control–controlling their emotions, their friends and
their partners, Benjamin explains. When young men can’t express
their insecurities, they double down on this need for control,
creating a lack of communication in intimate encounters and even
sexual violence. Being open and honest with partners about their
insecurities instead can lead to a lot of growth for young
men. 





Vulnerability helps create more trust between partners, and
ultimately healthier relationships overall, explains Benjamin.
Intimacy is more than just a sexual act, but includes emotional
connections and quality time spent together, he says.
Vulnerability isn’t easy–especially when teens are young and
scared of getting hurt. But the more open they can be about their
insecurities, the closer they’ll be with their partners.





Often times, kids who feel insecure turn to drugs and alcohol to
lessen their fear of a sexual encounter, Benjamin explains.
That’s not a sustainable solution, however, and can lead to gray
areas around consent and safety, he says. Instead, teens need to
learn to be vocal about how they’re feeling. Do they feel
uncomfortable? Unsafe? Are they unsure of themselves or just
reluctant to become sexually active?





These communication skills are just one of many things kids
should know before heading into their first intimate encounter.
Benjamin and I are discussing what teens should know if they’re
preparing to start a sexual relationship with someone.



Critical Concepts For Sexually Active Teens


If teens are going to jump into a sexual encounter with someone,
there’s a few things they should know first! Benjamin and I are
reviewing some critical concepts that parents should review with
teens who might have an intimate interaction on the horizon.





One thing that Benjamin emphasizes is that every encounter is
different. Everyone has unique anatomy, and an intimate
interaction might be short or long, slow or fast, loud or quiet.
Instead of expecting things to go a certain way, he says teens
should remain open-minded and above all, communicate.
Communication is key to creating a better experience, not just
for themselves, but for their partners.





In the episode, Benjamin and I chat about a common insecurity men
face–the size of their genitals! But Benjamin assures us that
size isn’t everything, and everyone is looking for something
different in a partner. Other parts of an intimate encounter are
just as, if not more significant than penetration, especially
when it comes to women’s pleasure. We talk further about
different kinds of pleasure in the episode, and how we discuss
such an awkward and potentially sensitive topic with teens.





Benjamin also shares what teens should know about orgasms–and why
it’s ok not to have them all the time. Sexual encounters don’t
always have to have orgasms as the end goal, and can be perfectly
enjoyable without them, he says. However, it’s important to know
what a partner enjoys, and how our own bodies work! Learning
about how partners can pleasure themselves and one another can be
an important part of sexuality and forming intimate
relationships.





In the Episode….





This episode is chock full of incredible advice for teens who
might feel confused or insecure about sex. On top of the topics
discussed above, we’re also talking about:


Why we shouldn’t shame masturbation

What teens should know about sex toys

How we can teach boys about periods

Why teens shouldn’t learn about sex from TV



If you liked this episode, you can find more from Benjamin at his
website, Benjamindunks.com. Thanks for listening, and don’t
forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see you next week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.