Ep 227: Are We Too Hard on Our Kids?

Ron Fournier, author of Love That Boy joins us to discuss the
impact of parents' expectations. We also break down why parents
can become concerned with kids' popularity, and discuss what Ron
learned about fatherhood from American Presidents Clinton, Bush,
and Obama.


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Full show notes


We love our kids and want to see them grow into the best version
of themselves–but this can sometimes lead us to put some heavy
expectations on their shoulders. We hope so intensely that
they’re academically brilliant, a star athlete, popular, or
well-read that we don’t make space for them to just be who they
are!





This can feel especially hard when our kids start to venture
outside the confines of a “perfect” child. Maybe their sexual or
religious preferences aren’t what we hoped for. Maybe they’re
diagnosed with mental illness or designated as being at-risk.
Maybe they just don’t want to follow the plan we so carefully
laid out for them from birth! Whatever it is, we as parents have
got to learn to respect our kid’s identities and accept them for
who they are-no matter how tough it can be sometimes.





To share his own personal journey of acceptance and help us
understand ours, we’re talking to Ron Fournier, dad and author of
Love That Boy: What Two Presidents, Eight Road Trips, and My Son
Taught Me About a Parent's Expectations. Ron is a political
journalist who’s covered the campaigns and presidencies of Bill
Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama. His line of work led
him towards a more personal journey with his son, Tyler–a journey
he’s here to talk about today.





In our interview, Ron and I are talking about why parents tend to
pile so many expectations on kids, and how they can move towards
acceptance instead. We also discuss the toxic practice of
counting our kids' friends, and Ron describes what he learned
about fatherhood from Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama!



How Expectations Can Be Harmful


We only want this best for kids…but sometimes we take our
expectations a little too far, says Ron. As an avid sports lover,
Ron always hoped his son would be interested in athletics too, so
much so that he filled his son's nursery with sports
memorabilia! 





This desire to connect to his son through sports continued as his
son grew into a teenager, until Ron finally accepted that would
never be an athletic kid. Ron didn’t come to this conclusion
easily, however, and many parents have the same problem with
acceptance.





Ron explains that this need to control kids’ lives often comes
from our own anxieties about life and death. We so desperately
hope that teens carry on our legacy or fulfill our unresolved
dreams that we start planning their lives before they even exit
the womb! But we need to step away from this practice, Ron
explains, and let kids carve their own path. In the episode, Ron
explains how his son’s autism diagnosis helped him find a new
perspective and stop enforcing his own expectations on his son.





Neurodivergence isn’t the only unexpected thing our kids might
present us with. Sometimes kids reject the religion we raised
them in, or want to pursue a career path we don't approve of.
Maybe we don’t like their romantic partner or simply feel that
they aren’t reaching our standards in school, athletics or music.
While we’re wasting time stressing over this, Ron explains, we’re
missing out on getting to know our kids for who they truly are.
Instead of trying to teach them how to be, Ron believes we should
learn from our kids about how to live our own lives.





One way parents try to measure their kids against a quota is by
monitoring their popularity. Ron and I discuss how this
problematic behavior is unfortunately common and why we should
avoid it.





The Pressure to Be Popular


It can be scary when we feel like kids don’t fit in. Life will
always be easier for those who swim easily in social settings,
and who find acceptance within their pack. As loving parents, we
hope that our kids will be able to make connections and
friendships to survive in both the working world and their
personal lives. But sometimes this desire for kids to fit in can
become toxic, says Ron, and cause us to do things like count how
many friends our teen has.





This urge to reduce friendships to quantity doesn’t necessarily
come from a bad place, but can be harmful, Ron explains.
Friendships should instead be measured by quality, he says. This
is especially true in today’s day and age, where teens are often
so wrapped up in how many likes and followers they have that they
forget to honor the real benchmarks of friendship, like
connection, kindness and mutual respect. Teens should strive for
the kind of friends who stick with them through thick and thin
and encourage them to be their best selves, says Ron–and the
quantity isn’t important!





Needing kids to be popular and well-liked is just another way we
often pressure kids to be high achievers…but it’s all sort of
contradictory! In the episode, Ron and I discuss how our desire
for kids to be popular can often be at odds with our hopes that
kids will be academically brilliant or athletic superstars. How
are kids going to get great grades or excellent race times if
they’re hanging out with their friends all day? These
contradictions are simply an indication of just how unrealistic
our expectations for teens are.





Ron often inflicted these kinds of expectations on his own
son–but when his son was diagnosed with autism, Ron’s perspective
started to change. In his journey towards understanding his son,
the two of them went on a series of trips together, and even met
three US. presidents! In our interview, Ron is describing how
each of these presidential meetings helped him understand his
son.



Presidential Perspectives


In the episode, Ron describes the interaction his son Tyler had
with both George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, and how each
conversation taught him about fatherhood. 





Tyler’s talk with Bill Clinton was largely one-sided, he said,
with Bill delivering an invigorating and inspiring speech about
the state of the nation. George Bush, on the other hand, simply
asked question after question, getting Tyler to open up and even
discuss his interests–something that Tyler often struggles with.





For Ron, both of these instances were educational. Although
Clinton’s monologue was fascinating, Ron noticed that he
neglected to ask Tyler any real questions. Tyler, an autistic
teen who often struggles with social situations, sometimes makes
the same mistake–talking without understanding his audience! Ron
realized that if one of the most famous politicians in America
talks too much, it’s ok for his son to do it too.





Meanwhile, Bush’s inquisitive nature and listening skills made
Ron realize that Bush was able to extract information in 45
minutes that Ron never knew about his own son. In our interview,
he talks about how this meeting with Bush renewed his patience as
a father.





As the episode draws to a close, Ron also tells the tale of his
son meeting the Obamas, a story which often causes him to get
emotional. Before introducing himself to Barrack and Michelle,
Tyler turned to him to say “I hope I don’t embarras...