Ep 229: The Blame Game

Denis Murphy, author of The Blame Game, joins us to discuss the
ways we often blame ourselves or our kids for things we can’t
control. We also discuss the importance of staying in touch with
our emotions and practicing self-honesty.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes


Blame is one of humanity’s oldest coping mechanisms. When things
go wrong, we’re quick to point a finger at someone and declare
that it’s their fault–creating war, political division, and
heartbreak as a result. Not to mention that half the time we’re
pointing the finger at ourselves, which typically only leads to
self-loathing and insecurity.





The truth is, blaming someone or something for our issues isn’t
going to make them go away. If we really want to confront our
problems, heal our traumas and live better we’ve got to stop
blaming and start accepting.





This week, we’re talking to Denis Murphy, author of The Blame
Game: How to Recover from the World's Oldest Addiction. Denis is
a coach and healer who’s worked with companies, families and
individuals all over the world. His practices focus on helping
people stop blaming themselves or others for misfortune in their
life, and instead learn to harness their mental and physical
wellness to create the life they want.





In our interview, we’re talking about why parental expectations
can lead us to blame kids when things go wrong. We also discuss
how suppressing our negative thoughts can cause mental and even
physical pain, and break down the importance of self honesty.





The Blame Game





One overarching cause of blame is labels, explains Denis. When we
attach labels to people like “boss,” “mom,”  “best friend,
or “boyfriend,” we’re also attaching expectations to go with
them. These expectations rarely come from reality, but instead
from TV, Hollywood, or other people’s families, says Denis. 





When people inevitably fail to live up to our unrealistic
expectations, we get upset, and blame them for not behaving
exactly as we hoped. This is often the cause of family disputes,
Denis explains. We want kids to behave in a way that meets our
expectations of who kids are supposed to be, and they want us to
act like the perfect parents. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and
both parents and kids feel mutual disappointment in the other.
And although it might seem like we’re frustrated with our kids,
what we’re actually upset about is the label, Denis says.





In the episode, Denis and I also talk about physical and
emotional stress, and how it plays a role in familial blame. When
we’re coming home from a long day of work and we’ve spent the
whole day keeping a lid on our emotions, we’re bound to boil over
and start blaming kids for anything that goes wrong. It becomes a
cycle Denis says, with our stress multiplying and our blaming
habits growing as a result.





Things don’t have to be this way, however. In the episode, Denis
and I are talking about how we can start to work through and
accept our negative feelings instead of playing the blame game.



The Power of Acceptance


One of the most common ways we deal with life’s disappointments
is by blaming ourselves. Denis explains that this practice is
often encouraged by those who preach self-discipline or
self-improvement. We’re taught not to be a victim, not to let
life walk all over us, and to power through every obstacle
without flinching. 





But if we don’t face our feelings, we’ll end up exhausted and
burnt out, Denis says. This is especially true for teens who
might be overwhelmed with the stress of approaching adult life
and managing the expectations of adolescence.





Instead of burying our negative thoughts and emotions, Denis
encourages us to be in touch with them. As he explains in the
episode, our thoughts help us figure out where our physical body
is holding anxiety, fear and stress. If we can observe the ways
these thoughts manifest themselves in our physical being, we can
take the first steps towards healing our mental and even physical
ailments. In the episode, Denis explains how mental and emotional
anguish can sometimes even cause us to injure ourselves!





Accepting our thoughts instead of judging them is important if we
want to reach inner peace. Denis explains. In our interview, we
talk about how nature exists without blame, unapologetically
changing with the seasons. If we want the same sense of peaceful
acceptance for ourselves, we’ve got to start with being aware of
our thoughts and emotions–and this goes for both parents and
teens.





To truly be in touch with our feelings, we’ve got to be honest
with ourselves. In the episode, Denis and I are breaking down all
the ways self-honesty can change your life.





How to Practice Self-Honesty





Being honest with ourselves about every thought and emotion is
not easy, says Denis. It’s much easier to control or avoid what
we feel! As we go through life, we’re constantly suppressing our
emotions, so much so that many of us stay in bad marriages,
become addicted to substances, or do other extreme things simply
to cope. As we do this, we create a gap between the person we’re
living as and the one we truly are. If we want to bridge that
gap, Denis says, we have to start being honest with ourselves.





Denis explains how this often manifests itself in our ability to
cope with rejection. When we find ourselves turned down by a
possible employer, for example, we tend to pivot to self-blame,
telling ourselves we weren’t good enough, weren’t smart enough,
or just didn’t try hard enough to get the job. But usually none
of this is true, he says. The real truth? We didn’t actually want
the job! Although we might object and say the job really was
important to us, most of the time we actually just wanted the
money, Denis says, and our hearts were never in it.





Parents sometimes struggle with this self-honesty, and end up
using blame to cope instead, Denis says. We want to be perfect
parents and when something goes wrong, we don’t want to deal with
emotions like shame or disappointment. Instead, we blame our kids
or ourselves, which only leads to an emotional wedge between us
and them. Denis talks more about how parents can harness
self-honesty to heal their relationships with kids in our
interview!



In the Episode…


Denis and I cover lots of fascinating information about healing,
blame and self-honesty in this week’s interview. On top of the
topics discussed above, we also talk about:


Why we put blame on our spouse or partner

How meditation can become a distraction from healing

Why blame can become addictive

How controlling kids too much can become disastrous



If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Denis
at denisliammurphy.com or on Instagram @denisliammurphy. Thanks
for listening, and don’t forget to share and subscribe. We’ll see
you next week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.