Ep 231: The Power of Strangers

Joe Keohane, author of The Power of Strangers, joins us to
discuss the many benefits of starting a conversation with a
stranger. We talk about why we’re often so afraid to talk to
people on the bus or at a coffee shop, and what to say to spark a
connection with someone we’ve never met.


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Full show notes


How many strangers do you encounter on a daily basis? Riding
public transport, ordering a coffee, hanging out at the bar–these
simple tasks require us to chat with people we’ve never met. As
naturally social creatures, humans have the potential to make
friends with each and every stranger we meet, and would probably
be happier if we did! But instead, we pull out our phones, put on
our earbuds and try not to make eye contact.





We’re afraid to talk to strangers, but why? And how much better
might life be if we took the time to talk to strangers more
often?





To find out the answer, we’re talking to Joe Keohane, author of
The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a
Suspicious World. Joe is a journalist who’s worked at Medium,
Esquire, Entrepreneur, and Hemisphere. His work has also been
featured in New York Magazine, The Boston Globe, The New Yorker,
Wired, and more!





In our interview, we’re talking about why people are so hesitant
to talk to strangers, and how we can foster positive
conversations with people we’ve just met. Plus, what we can gain
from starting up a chat with the guy next to us on the subway or
the girl taking our order.





The Truth About “Stranger Danger”





Most of us (and our kids) were taught never to talk to strangers.
Our parents and teachers warned us of the dangers of speaking
with unknown adults or people we don’t trust. Joe calls this
“stranger danger propaganda” and explains that this concept is
statically baseless. In fact, 90% of the time, crimes like
assault, murder or kidnapping happen at the hands of someone we
already know. As long as we’re savvy about it, talking to
strangers is typically a lot safer than we realize, Joe says.





We also tend to assume that other people are busy, stressed, or
simply don’t want to talk to us. This assumption is also
typically wrong, says Joe. In our interview, we discussed several
experiments in which researchers encouraged study participants to
talk to strangers on the subway or other public places. Most of
the time, these initiated interactions were overwhelmingly
successful, to the surprise of the participants. And when
researchers surveyed them afterwards, most participants said the
interaction with a stranger brightened their day or made them
actually enjoy a dreaded commute.





In the episode, Joe explains how younger people are often the
most afraid of talking to strangers. This is because they’re used
to chatting online or through text, where they can control the
terms of the conversation. They can choose not to respond, think
about what to say, re-read and edit responses before sending.
While those functions can be useful for digital communication,
they make it a bit harder to communicate in real life. In fact,
young people are statistically the loneliest and often feel much
more isolated, explains Joe.





Talking to strangers is not only a lot safer than we think, but
also has a multitude of benefits. In our interview, Joe and I are
discussing all the ways we can benefit from talking to strangers.



The Benefits of Connecting


Despite our typical routine of ignoring each other on the bus or
in the grocery store, humans are actually incredibly social
creatures, Joe says. We’re inherently much more capable of
forming and keeping relationships than other animals, and are
much happier when we have a sense of community and belonging with
others. Speaking with those who are from different generations,
racial groups or identities can be great for us as well, Joe
says, as it allows us to broaden our perspectives and understand
the complexities of others.





Our evolutionary social mechanisms are shown through research,
Joe explains. Many psychologists philosophize that talking with
someone you’ve never met can spike oxytocin in the brain-the
chemical associated with social bonding and connecting to others.
In fact, many studies show that talking with strangers can help
us resolve or avoid falling into mental illness, by helping us
feel more optimistic and less isolated. 





Talking with strangers can have cognitive benefits as well. In
the episode, Joe explains how discussing anything with an unknown
person requires our brain to work hard, synthesize new
information and reevaluate your perspective on certain subjects.
This can be great for our executive function, and allows us to
only get better at meeting new people in the future.





Even when we’re aware of all the benefits, talking to a random
person can still be pretty challenging. To help, Joe and I are
sharing some strategies you can employ to make socializing with
strangers a little easier.





Starting the Conversation


If you want to foster communication with a stranger, Joe suggests
starting by offering up a piece of information about yourself.
This signals to the other person that you’re open to sharing and
discussing life, and that they’re safe to do the same. However,
Joe advises not to “dump” too much on the other person and scare
them away. Keeping it light and positive at first can be helpful,
until the conversation develops further. To navigate this, Joe
emphasizes the importance of listening and paying attention to
the other person’s energy.





Listening isn’t always as easy as we think, Joe explains. When
we’re in a conversation with someone we’re just getting to know,
we often wait for them to mention something we know about or can
chime in on, and then jump in to give our two cents. Instead of
waiting to talk about ourselves. Joe recommends we try to be
curious and resist our urge to interject. It can feel awkward at
first, but once we start listening more actively, it simply
becomes second nature, Joe explains. In the episode, we talk
about various ways we can use body language to signal that we’re
actually listening.





When we’re talking to someone we’ve never met, we typically fall
into predictable scripts–asking how they are, what they do, or
where they’re from. And while these can sometimes be good ways to
get to know one another, they also tend to cut conversations
short by being too easy to answer. Joe suggests that we break the
script and ask something unpredictable instead! In the episode,
he shares a method he often uses, where he responds to “how are
you?” with a numerical digit and prompts the stranger to do the
same.



In The Episode…





This week’s episode will convince you to start a conversation
with the next stranger you meet! On top of the topics discussed
above, we also talk about:


Why we often expect strangers to be boring

How traditional societies practiced greeting strangers

Why those with higher socioeconomic status are lonelier

How you can find small pockets of socialization in daily life



If you enjoyed this week’s episode, check out Joe’s website...