Ep 232: Solving Conflict and Building Connection

Rick Hanson, author of Making Great Relationships, shares how we
can create more open, positive communication with teens. We
discuss why teens are so moody, how parents can become better
communicators, and the importance of emotional regulation when
teens push our buttons.


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Full show notes


It doesn’t take long for a disagreement with teens to turn into a
full-fledged battlefield. One minute, you’re just trying to ask
about their day, the next they’re saying they hate you and
slamming the door in your face. And no matter how much we resolve
to make our interactions calmer and more productive, we seem to
get stuck repeating the same drama over and over again.





If we want to break free from this cycle, we have to find new
ways to communicate with our kids. This requires us to go past
the surface level and dive into how kids are really feeling-and
what they really mean when they say “I hate you.”





To help us escape from the cycle of miscommunication, we’re
talking to Rick Hanson, author of multiple bestselling books,
including the most recent, Making Great Relationships: Simple
Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and
Fostering Love. Rick is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC
Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and the founder of the
Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for
Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom.





In our interview, we’re talking about why teens are so harsh in
their communication with parents–and what they're really trying
to do when they're hurling insults at us. Plus, how parents can
be less reactive when kids are pushing our buttons.



The Truth About Teen Angst


Teenagers in TV, movies, and popular culture are often depicted
as rude and rebellious–could our media be normalizing teen angst?
This cultural conditioning definitely contributes to teens’
attitudes, says Rick. Teens are also generally hardwired to be
selfish, he explains, and since their biological development
isn’t quite complete, and they’ve still got some empathy left to
learn. If you feel like teens are behaving selfishly, it likely
isn’t because they’re inherently self-absorbed, it’s teenagers as
a whole. It can be helpful to remember that, and not take things
too personally, says Rick.





Behind our teen’s anger, they’re usually hurting, says Rick.
Being a teen is no easy task, and our kids might be feeling lost
or upset without any way to express their feelings. We expect
teens to sit through school all day, ignore many of their most
tempting pleasurable pastimes, and push them towards far-off
careers that they may not even want. All of this combined with
bullying, mental health issues, eating disorders, and the perils
of social media can be pretty overwhelming, explains Rick. It
might be wise to keep all this in mind the next time we think
kids are being unreasonably moody, Rick says.





In the episode, Rick explains how we can use empathy and
imagination to reach kids instead. By attempting patience and
open communication, we can create a more communicative
environment where concerts and feelings are talked about in a
real way, Rick explains. Intention is important, especially when
it comes to interpreting teens behavior. If we assume they’re
intending to offend us or bring us down, then we’ll retaliate,
and the cycle of negativity continues.





So how can we as parents react more patiently when kids are being
difficult? Rick and I discuss how we can improve your
communication in the episode.





Creating Better Communication


One way we can foster positive communication with our teens is by
embracing vulnerability, says Rick. Sometimes it can be
challenging to find the right level of honesty without
oversharing or losing our parental authority, but if we want to
have open communication, parental vulnerability is key, he
explains. If we tell them how their behavior makes us feel, they
might start to understand the consequences that their words can
have, or become more aware of the fact that you’re not their
enemy, says Rick.





Sometimes, we’ve also just got to get to the bottom of what kids
need, and find a way to create a compromise with them. When
they’re begging us for permission to go to a party where underage
drinking and other shenanigans are bound to take place, Rick
encourages us to listen and understand what they really want: to
fit in, feel popular, and have fun. He suggests that we maybe let
them go, so long as they promise to come home at a certain hour,
prove that there’s someone to drive them safely to and from, or
whatever we feel comfortable with as a parent.





No matter what, being criticized by teens is inevitable, and it's
just something parents pretty much have to live with, Rick
explains. We can’t control what teens say to us, but we can
control how we react, he says. At the end of the day, we might
actually feel grateful to teens for their criticism, as it’s a
preferable alternative to being totally cut off. In the episode,
Rick pulls from his experiences as a family therapist to share
why teens end up cutting off parents as they move into adulthood
and how we can prevent it from happening in our own families.





When a teen starts to act up or things get heated between the two
of you, it’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us and turn
us into yelling, screaming authority seekers. If we can learn to
redirect our emotions instead, we’ll be better off, says Rick. In
the episode, he and I are discussing how we can stay cool, even
when our emotions are running hot.





The Value of Emotional Regulation


Rick and I talk in our interview about love vs. aspiration vs.
authority, and how much of a role each should play in parenting.
Rick believes that love, of course, should be a big part of how
we treat kids, while also aspiring for them to improve and become
better versions of themselves. Authority, on the other hand, is
typically pretty ineffective, he explains. Of course, there are
rules and boundaries that need to be set, but when there’s a
struggle between you and your teen, trying to squash it with your
authority will never quite do the trick. Instead, you’ll just
push you and your teen farther apart.





This need for authority is often tied to anger, which is one of
the worst ways we can react when teens are pressing us. Rick
reminds us how important it is to be in tune with our own
feelings and ensure our emotional stability before lashing out a
teen. If we take a minute to slow things down and chill out, we
might realize that there’s something below the surface of our
anger–like concern for our teen’s wellbeing or frustration over
lack of communication. If we can then explain our feelings to
teens instead of just hurling angry words, there’s a much better
chance that issues will be resolved, Rick says.





Sometimes, this includes admitting our own faults, Rick says. If
a kid tells us we never listen, what do they really mean? He
encourages us to reflect and see where we might be struggling in
the listening department, or what about a teen’s criticism might
have an element of truth. Admitting fault or at least learning to
explain our behavior can be an important way of letting teens
know that we care about their feelings and that we want to p...