Ep 234: The Emotional Lives of Teenagers

Lisa Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, joins us
to illuminate what's going on in kids’ heads when they're
emotional. We talk about why teens sometimes seem to act
irrationally, how we can teach them coping strategies, and what
we can say when they’re shutting us out.


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Full show notes


Teens are dealing with a lot–impending adulthood, changing
bodies, rigorous schoolwork and a complicated social scene–it’s
no wonder they’re emotional! As parents, it can be hard to help
them manage all the ups and downs, especially when teens are
screaming at us or locking their bedroom doors. 





This week, we're talking all about teen emotions: how to help
them learn coping strategies, why they might be lashing out, and
what’s really going on in their heads when they’re making
mountains out of molehills.





Joining us is psychologist and author Lisa Damour, to talk about
her recent book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising
Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents. Lisa has been
recognized as a thought leader by the American Psychological
Association, cohosts the Ask Lisa podcast, writes about
adolescence for the New York Times, appears as a regular
contributor at CBS News, and maintains her own clinical
practice! 





In our interview, we’re talking about the two different kinds of
reasoning teens apply when making a decision, gendered
differences in teen’s emotional coping mechanisms, and how we can
connect with kids, even when it seems like they want nothing to
do with us.





Hot vs. Cold Reasoning





In the episode, Lisa explains how teens typically oscillate
between two kinds of reasoning. Cold reasoning occurs when teens
are using their logical rational mind to make a decision, while
hot thinking typically refers to their thought process when
they’re in emotionally or socially charged situations. While they
may reach one conclusion when they’re using cold reasoning, that
conclusion might just fly out the window when a situation gets
much more emotional or social.





For example, teens often tell us they’re not going to drink or
smoke, that they’re going to stay in and study, that they’re not
going to waste time dating someone when they want to focus on the
future. But later, when they’re at a party or riding in a car
with their friends or seeing their crush at a social
gathering….they might not make the same choice they swore by
earlier! For teens whose brains are still developing and who
often make decisions based on social pressures, these two kinds
of thinking often end up in conflict with one another.





To make sure teens stick to their rational decisions, Lisa
suggests we present them with the hot situation while they’re
still in a cold state of mind. Try walking them through the whole
party scenario while you’re alone together in the kitchen, hours
before the party starts. Doing this can help ensure that your
teen will still behave rationally when they’re placed in an
emotionally, socially charged situation.





Teens don’t just need strong reasoning to handle the perils of
high school, they also need to know how to cope when things go
awry. Lisa and I are talking about how we teens tend to fall into
gendered patterns of coping, and how we can help them find more
effective methods.



Cultivating Better Coping Mechanisms


From a young age, kids are often conditioned to follow certain
practices for emotional management, and typically these are
shaped by their gender, says Lisa. Boys are taught to push
through tough times by using distractions like sports, video
games or work. Girls are typically taught to use their words to
describe what they’re going through, and are socialized to have a
vocabulary to describe emotions. This leads to patterns later in
life: boys acting out or hurting others to cope, girls developing
conditions like depression and anxiety, Lisa explains.





Boys are also often struggling with self esteem during puberty,
as girls are typically developing faster. This applies to both
minds and their bodies, with girls often beating boys out in the
classroom as well as in sports. This can be tough on boys' self
esteem, and is often the reason why they’re so mean to girls.
Lisa even explains that this frustration in boys can often lead
to the earliest occurrences of things like sexual harassment and
assault. 





To fix these complicated gender discrepancies, Lisa explains how
we can help kids develop healthy coping mechanisms and self
esteem. For boys, a sense of value in adolescence can come from
doing service work or cultivating a skill. For kids of all
genders, music can be a healthy way to both work through and
escape from the tough feelings of teenage life. As parents, we
might want to just jump in and solve problems for our kids, but
Lisa explains that we’ve got to help them learn to manage their
feelings on their own.





If we want teens to learn to handle their emotions, we’ve got to
get through to them first! Lisa and I talk in the episode about
how we can connect to teens, even when they seem to want nothing
to do with us.



Teaching Emotional Management





Sometimes it seems like everything we do is annoying to our kids,
no matter how hard we try! This is because kids are starting to
develop their own brand and identity, says Lisa. They still think
that we reflect on them, and therefore when we do something that
contradicts the personality they’ve created for themselves,
they’re frustrated. Alternatively, they get annoyed when we do
something that’s similar to the brand they’re trying to
cultivate, because they want to separate themselves from us as
much as possible!





It can be endlessly frustrating to deal with this constant teen
angst, but Lisa reminds us that it’s not always as personal as it
feels. She explains how we can provide teens with a few options:
being nice to us, being polite to us or simply just having space.
She explains that providing these options often prompts teens to
think about what they actually want, and can help the two of you
communicate instead of just bickering.





In the episode, Lisa explains how we can also work on our
listening skills–so when teens do decide to open up, we can be
ready for them. She describes a method she often practices with
her own teenage daughters, in which she plays the role of an
editor and acts as though teens are reporters. Instead of
interjecting while they’re speaking to immediately offer up
advice, she listens to their entire spiel, and then offers up her
best attempt at summarizing everything they just said, like a
headline. This shows teens you’re listening and trying to
understand, instead of just throwing advice their way.



In the Episode…





There’s lots of great insights in this week’s interview with
Lisa! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:


Why teens need negative feelings

How adolescence can heighten emotions

Why teens want to talk late at night

How to get teens to actually listen to your advice



If you enjoyed this week's episode, you can find more from Lisa
at Dr. Lisadamour.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and
we’ll see you next wee...