Ep 236: Navigating the Tween Years

Michelle Mitchell joins us once again for a deep dive into the
tween years—the topic of her new book Tweens. We explore
cognitive development, body development, and the common
skirmishes parents with tweens might face. 
It can be jarring to raise a tween. One day they are our cuddly
kids, and the next day they seem to want nothing to do with us!
They start saying our jokes are lame, our style is dated, and we
just “don’t get it.” 





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that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
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Full show notes


The tween years can be a contentious time for both parents and
tweens. Our kids are taking the first steps into adulthood, and
as scary as it might be for parents, for tweens it might feel
awkward, uncomfortable, and lonely. Their bodies are changing and
so are their brains. Tweens, in addition to developing more
complex thinking, start experimenting with who they are. Hence
why they might seem wildly different month to month, day to day,
hour to hour! Tweens might argue more as the desire for autonomy
peaks, and they might even practice lying. 



But it’s also an incredible experience for parents: they are
witness to the extraordinary process of a young person figuring
out who they are in the world. 



To help us untangle the confounding changes happening in the
tween years, we’re joined by Michelle Mitchell, author of the new
book Tweens: What Kids Need Now, Before the Teenage Years.
Michelle Mitchell is an educator, author, and award-winning
speaker who has conducted extensive research, surveying over
1,600 parents and 600 tweens, for her latest book. (We’ve spoken
with her a few times before on the show about self harm and
puberty.)



In our conversation, Michelle walks me through the transition in
tweens thinking, as well as how to talk to tweens about their
emotions, confidence, same sex attraction, technology, body
image, and lying. We will also explore how tweens and parents
think differently about friends, plus the differences between
concrete and complex thinking in tweens and how to support tweens
in their cognitive development. 



Spiking Autonomy


The tween years for most kids are defined by a heightened desire
for autonomy which might show up as more arguments, more
omissions, and a general pull away from family life and toward
other social groups. Fortunately, the need for autonomy peaks
around age fourteen—it won’t last forever, and by keeping lines
of communication with our tweens open, we can lessen the growing
pains of autonomy. 



Michelle offers some insights she gleaned during research for the
book to ease tensions caused by heightened need for autonomy.
Michelle reminds us tweens are still looking for guidance from
adults, but they might feel awkward about asking us. Just because
a tween doesn’t ask their parents questions, doesn’t mean they
don’t have any!



Michelle shares with us the most commonly asked questions from
tweens in conversations about puberty and sex—two topics the
tweens she spoke with felt most uncomfortable about. Many tweens
feel awkward about topics related to their own developing bodies.
In knowing ahead of time what questions our tweens might have,
parents can be prepared to bring up the topics if their teen
doesn’t. 



At the same time, tweens will inevitably ask questions that
parents might find awkward, basic, or uncomfortable. It's
important to approach our curious tweens with compassion. Kids
need to be taken seriously and given room to ask their questions
free from judgment. Otherwise, parents risk sending the message
that they can only handle certain topics of conversation. 



Keeping Communication Flowing


The tween years are full of experimentation with who one is and,
let’s face it, a lot of self-consciousness! This increased
wariness about others’ opinions, could mean teens share less with
their parents for fear of being judged. And clamming up and
self-isolating for people in general, but particularly with
tweens, can lead to mental health issues beyond normal feelings
of loneliness, anxiety, or sadness. 



If a tween comes to us with a big emotional claim, Michelle
emphasizes the importance of validating tweens’ emotions. Even
when a tween’s feelings seem out of proportion, validating and
then seeking to understand how they’re feeling proves you can be
trusted to listen without judgment. (Moreover, this approach
helps tweens build their confidence in their own abilities to
handle their emotions.)



Michelle additionally emphasizes the importance of creating a
supportive environment to encourage tweens’ exploration of who
they are. Tweens are beginning to compare themselves to others
more often and might give up on pursuits if they don’t feel they
are the best at a skill. 



For example, maybe a teen really loves musical theater—but they
couldn’t carry a tune if it was given to them in a bucket. We
could encourage a teen to consider other ways to be involved in
musical theater besides being on stage. There is set design,
directing, music composition, theater management, box office
ticketing—any could be an avenue for exploring what lights them
up. By encouraging our tweens to stay curious and explore
different opportunities, we can help tweens find their budding
passions and unique superpowers. 



When speaking with your tween or teen about their interests,
Michelle notes that this generation holds high values of
diversity and inclusion. Parents are wise to keep an open mind
and ask their teen why they are drawn to specific pursuits,
before jumping to conclusions about if it’s good, bad,
distracting or worthwhile. Tweens might act tougher than they
used to, but they still have their child-self inside. 



In the Episode…


As usual, I had a great time chatting with Michelle! It was
wonderful to have her on again and learn from her
expertise. 



We covered a range of topics in the interview for a bird’s eye
view of what the tween years might look for. In addition to
speaking about autonomy, communication, and emotional maturity,
we also discussed:


How to communicate limits around technology

Tween’s unique forgetfulness when it comes to staying safe

How to help your teen with body confidence

Why tweens need their family’s unconditional love (even if
they say they don’t!)



Thanks so much for tuning into this week’s episode and for more
Michelle Mitchell, you can find her on her website, and on her
other discussions with me on the podcast! We’ll see you next
week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.