Ep 237: Visible and Invisible Differences

Meg Zucker, author of Born Extraordinary, busts myths about
visible and invisible differences. She offers up language for how
to speak to our teens about inclusivity and tips for parenting
kids with differences.


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that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full show notes 





Many parents want their teens to be compassionate citizens who
care about people of all kinds. Others might Yet, it can be
difficult to advise our teen on how to interact with people who
are visibly different from us. We know people with differences
are just as capable as anyone, yet sometimes it’s hard not to
focus on the difference until that is all there is. We know there
is more to someone than their difference—but how do we do
better? 



To help us understand how to speak with our teens about
differences, we spoke with Meg Zucker, author of the new book
Born Extraordinary: Empowering Children with Differences and
Disabilities. Meg is the founder and president of Don't Hide It,
Flaunt It, a nonprofit with the mission of advancing
understanding and mutual respect for people's differences. She
was born with a genetic condition called ectrodactyly, and has
one finger on each hand, shortened forearms and one toe on each
misshapen foot. Her two sons have the same condition and her
adopted daughter has her own invisible differences. 



Meg, through parenting with her husband, running her non-profit,
her own experiences, and in researching for her book, has become
an expert in all things differences—visible and invisible. She
offers new insights into sticking points for people with
differences and how everyone can think differently about
differences.  



The Urge to Help


Meg explains that, above all, we should keep in mind people with
differences are people. People with differences are usually just
as capable as ourselves, and often have already figured out how
to navigate the world with their differences. She often has to
field strangers asking if she needs help doing normal, everyday
activities, like putting groceries in her cart, zipping up her
coat, or opening doors. 


Meg wants others to know people with differences may struggle
navigating certain aspects of life, but that they have a sense of
pride to do it themselves, just like we do. Questioning “What
should I do?” suggests we have to do something at all. Meg says
this isn’t the best way to go about it. Sometimes the notion we
have to do something, is to soothe our own feelings of discomfort
or awkwardness about someone’s difference. 



The best way to interact with someone who has a difference is to
first treat them as you would any person. Next, follow their
lead. People with differences (or, all people for that matter)
are living in their own version of normal, and so, they don't
expect anyone to do anything. People living with differences
aren’t constantly thinking about their differences—it’s not on
their minds. 


Meg offers this advice for helping someone with a difference:
observe first. It might seem a little creepy, but often after a
moment, the person struggling will often figure it out. Take a
breath before you are, what Meg labels a “Mighty Mouse” and say
ask yourself, "Let me see if that person actually needs it."
Usually, a person is ready for help when they start looking
around for help. 


We can speak with our teens about this exact situation, and offer
them Meg’s simple guidance for helping people with
differences. 


The Pitfalls of Rules on How to Treat
People


At the same time, Meg encourages parents not to make ordinances
about how to treat people with differences.  When parents
give their teens orders about how to treat others with
differences, it takes away their inherent drive to be kind to
others. Instead of a “could,” being kind becomes a “should,” and
teens may resent being kind because it is not out of their own
volition. 


And people on the receiving end of obligatory kindness don’t want
to be resented. 



As an example of what she means, Meg shares a story about her son
who was feeling down after his soccer teammates didn’t slap his
hand after a game. He told his mom he believed the cause was how
his hand looked. “They didn’t want to touch me,” he lamented. As
heartbreaking as it was, Meg helped her son to see it in a
different way. There could be many reasons why the other kids
hesitated to slap his hand. Maybe they thought it would hurt him,
or they didn’t want to draw attention to it, or they were just
surprised. She suggested he make a game of it, and see how many
slaps he got after the second game. 


Sure enough, her son exchanged some hand slaps with about half of
his teammates after the next game, and varying numbers the rest
of the season. 


If Meg had complained to the coach and insisted everyone always
slap her son’s hand, she would have put her son in a position to
receive resentment rather than genuine kindness. Similarly, if a
parent makes a rule that their teen must always concede to a
person with differences' demands, the teen may grow to have less
empathy for people with differences as an adult. 



In the Episode…


My conversation with Meg gave me so much to think about in how
society views people with differences and how parents can raise
inclusive teens who see the person before the difference. Meg and
cover a lot of ground including:


the importance of showing our non-different kids just as much
love and attention

how people with differences can embrace being an everyday
hero

raising kids with differences, both visible and invisible

mitigating media influence on how we think about differences



I hope you enjoy listening to my discussion with Meg as much as I
enjoyed speaking with her! Check the links in Meg’s bio for where
to follow her and her work!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.