Ep 268: How to Convince Stubborn Teens

Michael McQueen, author of MindStuck, dives into the science of
persuading stubborn teenagers, and reveals why the tactics
parents typically use to influence our kids simply don't work.


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Full Show Notes


Trying to convince a stubborn teenager to see things your way can
feel impossible at times. They seem completely stuck in their
perspectives, unwilling to listen to reason or logic. So how do
we get through when teen minds seem closed off?


According to our guest Michael McQueen, the root of the issue
lies in outdated persuasion tactics. When trying to sway teens,
most parents rely on giving information, evidence and rational
arguments. But as Michael explains, this only taps into one small
part of the brain–the rational, thinking prefrontal cortex.


The majority of our decisions and viewpoints are actually shaped
by a more impulsive, instinctual part of the brain. For teens,
who are still developing cognitively, this portion of the brain
wields even more influence. So if we want to change a teen’s
mind, we have to learn what truly motivates it.


The Teenage Brain


In his book “Mind Stuck,” Michael refers to the two processing
centers of the brain as the “inquiring mind” and the “instinctive
mind.” The inquiring mind takes in information and analyzes it
logically before coming to conclusions. But for most people, only
around 5-10% of decisions happen here.


The instinctive mind is much faster, making snap judgments based
on emotions, biases and self-preservation. This is the mind that
judges whether someone is in our “tribe,” and causes us to have
gut reactions. For teens with underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes,
nearly all decisions happen via the instinctive mind.


So when parents offer rational arguments to change teens’
behavior, teens brush them off–because facts and data barely
penetrate their instinctive way of thinking. Actually, pushing
logic often backfires, causing teens to dig their heels in
defensively.


Instead, Michael suggests appealing to the instinctive mind by
building trust and rapport. One way to do this is through
vulnerability and finding common ground.


Getting on Their Wavelength


Trying to assert authority or superiority when conversing with
teens is unlikely to get us anywhere, Michael says. Teens are
inherently skeptical of parents’ knowledge and worldliness. The
instinctive mind wants to stick with the tribe–and for teens,
parents are not members.


That’s why Michael suggests having authentic conversations where
we come alongside teens humbly. Saying “I don’t have this all
figured out” or “I’d love to hear your take on this” demonstrates
that we respect their autonomy. It also diffuses tension so they
drop their defenses.


Michael also discusses the importance of developing trust by
upping oxytocin levels. The bonding hormone oxytocin determines
how much we unconsciously trust someone. Releasing it requires
candidness and finding synchrony–walking together side-by-side
can naturally build connection.


Matching body language too obviously can feel disingenuous. But
according to neuroscientist Dr. Paul Zak, going on walks is an
easy way to build rapport with teens by mirroring cadence and
getting on the same wavelength.


Asking the Right Questions


Beyond vulnerability and synchrony, the language we use with
teens can foster influence and trust, Michael says. Asking
questions is more productive than making statements. And there’s
an art to framing inquiries that defuse tension and make teens
want to open up.


We can preface questions by admitting we don’t have the full
picture. And we should ask out of genuine curiosity rather than
trying to catch teens behaving badly or evaluate their choices.
Our motive should be understanding their perspective.


The way teens interpret our questions depends heavily on body
language and tone as well. And the types of questions we ask can
steer conversations productively or unproductively.


More Than Logic


While the instinctive mind drives most of a teen’s decisions, the
inquiring mind still plays a role too. Particularly as the
prefrontal cortex develops, introducing facts, data and personal
experience can supplement emotional appeals.


Telling stories makes parents more relatable. And describing our
own regrets and mistakes reassures teens that poor choices or
failures aren’t abnormal–everyone makes bad decisions in their
youth.


While logic alone rarely changes perspectives, when combined with
vulnerability, rapport and the right questioning, facts can
reinforce the influence parents have. Understanding and utilizing
multiple persuasion tactics allows parents to get through even
when teens’ minds seem firmly stuck.


In the Episode...


On top of the topics outlined above, we also discuss:


Why isolation impacts teen psychology

How to have high stakes conversations

Why consistency and boundaries breed respect

Picking your battles as a parent



To learn more from Michael and grab a copy of “Mind Stuck,” head
to his website at michaelmcqueen.net. Thanks for listening–don’t
forget to subscribe!





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.