Ep 269: Are You a Consistent Parent?

Sheri Glucoft Wong, author of Raising Kids, shares the importance
of being a consistent parent, even when raising teens feels like
a complicated maze. As a therapist, Sheri has a wealth of insight
on how to effectively and consistently communicate with our
kids. 





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Full Show Notes


As parents, we all have those moments when communicating with our
teen feels easy, and other times when no matter what we say, it
leads to conflict. Why is that? What makes the difference between
feeling effective vs ineffective?


This week we’re exploring that idea with our guest Sheri Glucoft
Wong, a nationally recognized family therapist and author of
Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting. Sheri
introduces the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent – when
you feel aligned in your head, heart, and gut about an issue,
communicate it clearly to your teen, and they respond accordingly
without a power struggle.


What does it mean to be “on your spot” and why does it create
cooperation not conflict? How can we get “off our spot” and start
grasping for leverage through threats and consequences? Sheri
explains why threats often backfire and how a simple “tweak”
using “when/then” language instead of “if/then” can turn things
around.


The Power of Being “On Your Spot”


Being on your spot as a parent means you feel clear and aligned
internally about an issue, so you can take a firm yet kind stance
with your teen. Sheri shares how parents have no trouble
insisting kids wear seatbelts in the car – they never threaten or
bribe, they just know it’s non-negotiable. But with other issues,
like manners or chore completion, they struggle because they’re
not fully on their spot.


In our interview, Sheri describes how being on your spot means
your head, heart, and gut all align – you intellectually know
what your teen needs, you care enough to want that for them, and
your instincts tell you it’s the right thing. When all three are
lined up, you can stand firm calmly and prevail without resorting
to power struggles.


From Threats to Incentives


When we’re off our spot as parents, we often start grasping for
leverage over our teens through punishments and consequences. We
take away devices or restrict privileges trying to motivate them.
But Sheri explains that while limits are fine, threats rarely
work and can backfire.


Instead of “if/then” threats, Sheri suggests “when/then”
incentives. Rather than saying “if you don’t complete your
homework, you lose phone privileges,” say “when you complete your
homework, you can have phone time.” This small tweak eliminates
the threatening tone and helps motivate cooperation.


Reframing Difficult Experiences


No matter how much we want to shield our teens from pain, they’ll
inevitably face disappointments that are out of our control – a
pandemic, social conflict, a lost game. But as Sheri explains,
what truly shapes the impact isn’t what happens to teens, but
rather what they make those events mean.


As parents, we have power to reframe difficult situations and
influence how our teens internalize them. We can encourage
resilience rather than victimhood by discussing values and
modeling emotional management. By focusing on what they can
control, not what happens to them, we help teens build lifelong
coping skills.


Additional Topics:


Why labeling kids “bullies” or “victims” can backfire

Understanding teen emotions without over-identifying

Indulging tantrums vs. fostering independence

Teaching teens to handle disappointment



If you enjoyed this episode, check out Sheri’s book Raising Kids:
Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting for more great
insights!





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.