Ep 274: Escaping the Villain Role

Justin Lee, author of Talking Across the Divide, joins us to
explain how parents can have more productive disagreements with
teens by overcoming the ego protection instinct and using
storytelling to find common ground.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.


Full Show Notes


Parenting a teenager often feels like an ideological
battleground. Their values, interests and worldviews can seem
completely foreign to our own, causing rifts in our relationship
almost daily. Navigating these choppy waters requires strategy
and finesse so that we don’t widen the gap even further.


This week, we’re learning how to bridge divides from someone who
has made connections his life’s work. We’re joined by Justin Lee,
author of the new book Talking Across the Divide: How to
Communicate with People You Disagree With and Maybe Even Change
the World.


Justin has spent over 20 years facilitating thoughtful dialogue
between groups that typically don’t see eye to eye. As the
founder of the world’s largest LGBTQ Christian advocacy
organization, Justin has firsthand experience bringing together
people of divergent backgrounds. Now, he’s sharing his tried and
tested methods for overcoming conflicts by focusing on shared
interests and storytelling.


Even when parents and teens sit on what feel like opposite sides
of the ideological spectrum, we likely have more in common than
we realize. By approaching rifts strategically instead of
confrontationally, we can narrow divides and start effecting real
change.


The Ego Protection Instinct


When tensions run high, our first instinct is often to double
down on our position. After all, no one wants to look like the
“bad guy” or feel embarrassed when realizing they’re wrong. This
ego protection instinct kicks in, causing both parties to dig
their heels in further in order to save face.


Justin explains that the key to working through this instinct is
to approach the conversation calmly and strategically. Making
teens defensive will only cause them to reject our perspective
entirely. By listening first instead of accusing, we make space
for their viewpoint while getting them to lower their guard. This
thoughtful approach makes them more receptive later on when we
share our own story.


Telling Our Story


When it comes time to share our side, Justin explains that facts
and figures often fall flat. What really helps the other person
relate to our position is hearing the story behind why this issue
matters so much to us.


By explaining our personal experiences, worries, disappointments
and more, the other person gains empathy and understanding as to
why we ended up with these strong beliefs. Storytelling helps
them step into our shoes, seeing our views as reasonable instead
of attacking our character. It also allows both parties to
recognize each other’s stories as valid without having to
denounce the other.


Plotting a Way Forward


Without a plan for how the conversation should end, we risk
leaving the other person hurt or resentful. Justin encourages
parents to think critically about what they actually want to gain
before diving into tense talks. Do we want to “win” by making the
teen feel stupid? Or do we want to gain a better understanding
between us?


By visualizing a story in which the teen’s past actions were
reasonable and our new way forward makes sense, we provide a path
that allows them to save face while still growing. With
thoughtful compromises focused on shared interests rather than
contradictory positions, we stand a better chance of inching
closer together.


No matter how far apart parents and teens may feel at times,
Justin proves even groups with the most divergent views can find
common ground through strategic, thoughtful dialogue. By leading
with empathy and storytelling, we model good communication while
bridging ideological divides one conversation at a time.





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.