Ep 290: How to Be an Ally to Your LGBTQ Child

Heather Hester, author of Parenting with Pride, joins us to
discuss the essential do's and don'ts for parents when their
teenager comes out as LGBTQ, offering practical advice on
supportive communication, unlearning biases, and addressing
mental health and substance use concerns.


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Full Show Notes


Every parent wishes to be a source of unwavering support and love
for their children. However, when a teenager comes out as LGBTQ,
many parents find themselves unprepared and anxious about how to
respond appropriately. Initial reactions can be critical, as
negative responses may have lasting repercussions on the teen's
mental health and self-esteem.


Introducing Heather Hester


Our guest today is Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and
the host of the podcast Just Breathe. Heather is also the author
of the newly released book, Parenting with Pride: Unlearn Bias
and Embrace, Empower, and Love Your LGBTQ+ Teen.


With years of experience providing guidance and education to
parents and allies of LGBTQ young adults, Heather is here to help
us understand how to navigate this sensitive yet profoundly
important process of supporting our LGBTQ teens.


Why Initial Reactions Matter


Coming out is usually the culmination of a long and often painful
period of internal conflict for teens. Heather explains that
parents must recognize this journey and approach their teen's
coming out with an emphatic and supportive response. Contrary to
instinctive reactions like "Are you sure?", which can undermine a
teen's confidence, parents should focus on affirmations such as
"I love you," "Thank you for telling me," and "I've got you."


Heather shares that parents often inadvertently project their own
fears and biases into the conversation, which can be damaging.
Instead, she advises parents to work through their own
uncertainties separately and to avoid placing these burdens on
their child.


Understanding the Process and Stages of Coming
Out


It's a common misconception that coming out is a single event.
Heather clarifies that it’s a process composed of several stages,
ranging from internal acknowledgment to public declaration and
ongoing self-acceptance. By the time teens come out to their
parents, they have typically already gone through significant
internal struggles and are well past the initial phases of
questioning and doubt.


Recognizing this can help parents offer more meaningful support
and understand the continued journey that lies ahead for their
teen. This perspective also highlights the importance of ongoing
support, as coming out is a recurring event each time a teen
enters a new environment, such as changing schools or starting a
new job.


Different Identities and Orientations


Heather also emphasizes the importance of understanding the
diverse range of identities within the LGBTQ spectrum. These
include not just lesbian, gay, and bisexual orientations, but
also gender identities like transgender and non-binary, as well
as terms like intersex and asexual. She encourages parents to ask
open-ended questions like, "What does that mean to you?" to
foster a supportive and educational conversation.


Addressing Mental Health and Substance Use


Statistics show that LGBTQ teens are at a higher risk for mental
health issues and substance use due to societal pressures,
bullying, and a lack of affirmation. Heather explains the
importance of proactive dialogue about these issues and remaining
vigilant for changes in behavior. It's essential for parents to
provide a safe and accepting home environment while also being
prepared to seek professional help if needed.


Emphasizing Present Acceptance


One of the most impactful ways parents can support their LGBTQ
teen is by expressing unconditional love and acceptance for who
they are right now. Often, in an attempt to be encouraging,
parents may focus on their child's future potential,
inadvertently sending the message that who they are currently is
not enough. Heather advises celebrating the teen's current
strengths and acknowledging their journey to date.


Episode Highlights


- The critical impact of initial reactions when a teen comes
out
- The process and stages of coming out for LGBTQ teens
- Distinguishing between sexual orientation and gender
identity
- Addressing mental health and substance use concerns in LGBTQ
teens
- How to express unconditional love and acceptance for your teen


In the Episode….


Heather's insights are invaluable for any parent navigating the
complexities of their teen coming out. On top of the topics
covered above, we also discuss: 


- Strategies for unlearning personal biases 
- The role of professional support in addressing mental
health 
- How to create an affirming home environment 
- The importance of critical thinking in processing societal
messages 


You can find more from Heather Hester on her website,
chrysalismama.com, or listen to her podcast, Just Breathe. Don’t
forget to share and subscribe to the podcast for more insightful
conversations on parenting teens.





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.