Ep 303: The Secret to Raising Securely Attached Teens

Eli Harwood, author of Raising Securely Attached Kids, dives into
connection-focused parenting, exploring how parents can maintain
strong bonds with teens, even as they become more independent.


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Full Show Notes


Parenting teens can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s also a time
fraught with challenges and rapid changes. Just when you think
you’ve got a strong connection, everything can start spiraling
out of control seemingly overnight. Emotional outbursts can
replace casual conversations, and mutual understanding can feel
like a distant memory. So, how can parents keep their
relationship with their teens strong and resilient during these
tumultuous years?


One key to maintaining this bond lies in understanding the
science of attachment, a concept that is critical not just during
infancy but throughout childhood and adolescence. Teens are
transitioning, sharing more attachment needs with peers, and
carving out their own identities. How can parents navigate this
landscape without losing their pivotal role in their children's
lives?


To unravel these questions, we turn to expert Eli Harwood, a
therapist, writer, and the force behind the online community
Attachment Nerd. Eli is the author of Raising Securely Attached
Kids, a must-read for parents eager to foster secure bonds with
their children. Eli brings her own experience of overcoming an
insecure attachment and turning it into a lifelong mission to
help other families.


The Science of Teen Attachment


Eli enlightens us about attachment, the instinctive drive we all
have to form close relationships. While young children rely
mostly on their parents for attachment needs, teenagers start to
transfer these needs to friends and romantic partners. This shift
can be emotionally taxing for parents as they feel their central
role diminishing. However, Eli reassures us that while teens seek
independence, the parental bond remains crucial, especially in
moments of high distress.


Mastering Emotional Regulation


The teenage years are a roller coaster of emotions, and as Eli
explains, parents must be the grounded, stable force. She
emphasizes the necessity of responding to teenagers' changing
emotional landscapes with maturity and empathy. Eli offers
strategies for parents to practice emotional management, which
involves recognizing and naming emotions accurately—a skill
termed as alexithymia when absent. By modeling and encouraging a
rich emotional vocabulary, parents can significantly improve
their teens' ability to navigate their own feelings and form
healthy relationships.


Consulting, Not Controlling


Eli introduces the concept of parents becoming "consultants"
rather than controllers. Teens are more likely to seek advice and
support from parents who respond maturely to their growing
independence. It's important for parents to calm their fearful,
possessive instincts and reposition themselves as sources of
wisdom and encouragement. When teens trust that their parents are
secure in their roles and non-threatening, they are more likely
to maintain open lines of communication.


Addressing Problematic Behaviors


When it comes to problematic behaviors such as lying or substance
use, Eli advises a balanced approach of boundaries without
punishment. Drawing a clear line between setting boundaries for
safety and punitive measures, she champions an approach based on
empathy, understanding, and mature dialogue. Eli’s emphasis here
is on understanding the underlying emotional turmoil causing such
behaviors and addressing that rather than solely focusing on
behavioral correction.


Fostering Gratitude and Empathy


Another important aspect Eli discusses is the practice of empathy
math—giving empathy to elicit empathy. She tackles the common
parental concern of their teens being ungrateful or selfish,
explaining that these traits are a normal part of the
developmental stage. Instead of expecting gratitude, parents
should model it. Showing appreciation for the little moments can
inspire teens to mirror this behavior.


In the Episode…


Eli's insights bring a refreshing perspective on readjusting our
parenting strategies for the teen years. Her advice is practical,
compassionate, and grounded in psychological research. Tune in
for a deeper dive into:


Recognizing and responding to catastrophic thinking

The importance of body language and mirroring emotions

Advocating for connection before correction

Handling life transitions and significant changes in teens



For more tips from Eli Harwood, visit her website
attachmentnerd.com, or follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and
TikTok. Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to share and
subscribe for more insights on parenting teens.





Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.