Ep 305: The Science of Teen Resilience

Tovah Klein, author of Raising Resilience, explains how parents
can help their teens develop the resilience needed to overcome
life’s inevitable setbacks, emphasizing the importance of
anchoring, containing emotions, and fostering self-acceptance.


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that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
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Full Show Notes





Your teenager is bound to face setbacks. Whether it’s failing a
test, missing out on a sports team, or experiencing heartbreak,
every teen encounters hurdles. But what differentiates teens who
rebound from those who falter? The science of resilience provides
some answers.


Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back; it’s about how we cope
with adversity, manage stress, and maintain emotional stability
amidst challenges. Parents play a pivotal role in helping their
teens develop resilience, supporting them through everyday
setbacks and larger life crises. Understanding this, we delve
into how parents can shape resilient teens who can navigate
life's ups and downs.


We’re joined by Dr. Tovah Klein, a psychology professor at
Barnard College and author of the new book Raising Resilience:
How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty. With
extensive background in developmental psychology and firsthand
experience from working in New York’s homeless shelters, Tovah
offers practical insights for parents striving to build
resilience in their children. Her work spans from understanding
everyday stressors to handling major life events, providing a
comprehensive framework for fostering resilience in teenagers.


Anchors and Containers: Providing Security and
Stability


Tovah emphasizes the dual role of parents as both anchors and
containers for their teens. Acting as an anchor means providing a
consistent, reliable presence that lets teens know they have a
safe space to return to. This is crucial as they navigate the
world, testing their independence and coping with new challenges.


As containers, parents help manage their teens’ emotional
intensity. Adolescence is marked by heightened emotions and
volatility, requiring parents to absorb and help regulate these
feelings. Tovah explains that parents don’t need to solve every
problem but should aim to provide stability and a calming
presence.


The Importance of Routines


Routines offer predictability, countering the inherent
unpredictability of life. Consistent family routines, like
regular dinners or bedtime rituals, provide teens with a secure
structure. These routines also help parents notice when things
are off—behavioral deviations can signal that something is wrong.


When routines are disrupted, it’s an opportunity for parents to
check in, offering support and understanding. Tovah discusses how
creating these structured environments allows teens to feel more
in control and less overwhelmed by external stressors.


Effective Communication: Listening Over Fixing


One of the key themes in Tovah’s approach is the importance of
empathic listening. Teens often express their struggles through
behavior rather than words, indicating that something might be
wrong through irritability or withdrawal. Instead of trying to
fix issues immediately, Tovah advises parents to validate their
teen’s feelings and offer a listening ear.


This doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. Tovah suggests maintaining
clear limits but being flexible and understanding about why a
teen might be pushing against them. An example from the book
involves a scenario where her son snapped at her about laundry,
which symbolized larger underlying anxieties. Offering empathy
and allowing space for teens to process their feelings can lead
to more meaningful resolutions.


Building Self-Acceptance Over Self-Esteem


Tovah differentiates between self-acceptance and self-esteem,
noting that unbridled parental enthusiasm for achievements can
make teens feel their worth is conditional on success. Instead,
parents should encourage self-acceptance—helping teens appreciate
who they are, including their imperfections and setbacks.


True resilience involves facing failures and learning from them.
Tovah emphasizes the need for teens to sit with their negative
emotions, understand where they feel them physically, and process
these feelings. This approach helps teens develop inner strength
and emotional regulation skills, crucial components of
resilience.


In the Episode…


My conversation with Tovah was filled with actionable insights
for parents looking to foster resilience in their teenagers. We
also cover:


The concept of the “adolescent dilemma” and why it’s
significant.

Practical methods for helping teens process and manage
failures.

The distinction between controlling and supporting teens.

Building a strong parent-teen relationship through everyday
interactions.



If you’re interested in raising resilient teens capable of facing
life’s adversities, this episode is a must-listen. For more from
Tovah Klein, you can visit her website at tovahklein.com or
follow her on social media. Don’t forget to subscribe and share
our podcast. We’ll see you next week!


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.