Ep 313: The Hidden Curriculum of Parenting

Nate Hilger, author of The Parent Trap, explores the complex
expectations placed on parents, the importance of skill-building
over mere test scores, and how societal changes could improve
outcomes for all children, including shifts away from zero-sum
thinking in education.


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Full Show Notes





Parenting in the modern world can often feel like an
insurmountable challenge, compounded by pressures to not only
care for our children but also groom them into successful,
independent adults. The journey to nurturing well-rounded human
beings involves an intricate web of skills that many parents are
unaware they're even supposed to be weaving. Love and care are
crucial, but they alone do not provide the full spectrum of
skills teens need to flourish in the world.


Enter Nate Hilger, an economist and data scientist whose insights
have graced the pages of The New York Times and The Washington
Post. His pioneering work focuses on the origins of success in
children and highlights how parents can better navigate the
landscape of skill-building. In his enlightening book, The Parent
Trap, Nate challenges conventional ideals of what it means to
parent effectively. He's joining us this week to delve into how
society’s expectations of parents are often both unrealistic and
misaligned with actual child development.


The Parenting Trap Uncovered


Nate identifies three primary manifestations of the "parent
trap": unrealistic expectations, a lack of language to describe
these expectations without blame, and the political
underrepresentation of parents. He contends that society places
an undue burden on parents, expecting them to be both nurturers
and skilled educators without the necessary support. This
disproportionate pressure often results in a cycle where
lower-income parents, despite their deep love for their children,
cannot provide the same developmental advantages as wealthier
parents.


The book draws on historical insights, such as studies from the
mid-20th century where better early learning environments
significantly bolstered long-term outcomes for children,
underscoring the immense power of environment over innate
ability. Nate argues for a societal shift to focus on
skill-building, a universal challenge often misguidedly
associated with parental 'failures.'


Rethinking Zero-Sum Parenting


Among the important revelations Nate shares is the myth of
zero-sum parenting—the idea that one child's success equates to
another's failure. This notion fuels hyper-competitive behaviors
and focus on elite university admissions, wrongly overshadowing
the more expansive benefits of creating successful and healthy
communities. Nate suggests that a collaborative approach in
raising competent, capable youth benefits everyone—an uplifting
shift away from isolating views about limited resources and
opportunities.


Improving Education Outcomes


Highlighting groundbreaking research with renowned economist Raj
Chetty, Nate reveals how the quality of early educational
experiences, such as kindergarten teaching, has long-lasting
impacts on a child's financial success. Innovations like smaller
classroom sizes and teacher effectiveness often yield returns
many parents don’t fully realize and should advocate for more
universally. Unfortunately, income alone does not resolve the
disparities in access to quality educational resources.


Investing in Professional Development


Rather than saddling parents with the impossible task of
mastering every skill their child might need, Nate proposes
broader access to professional resources. He discusses what he
learned from attending courses designed for struggling parents,
arguing that while these programs can offer valuable insights,
they often overwhelm rather than assist, emphasizing that
professional support for children's development is critical.


In the Episode...


Nate presents a compelling argument for rethinking societal and
parental roles in education. We also discuss:


How blended family environments affect outcomes

The ongoing debate about the role of parent training

The role of income in college decisions

Why kids’ long-term success hinges on more than just money



Nate's insights challenge fundamental assumptions about parenting
while offering practical solutions to improve the social
landscape for nurturing successful generations. To learn more,
keep an eye out for Nate's Substack, "Kidding Around," where he
continues to explore these pivotal ideas. If you found this
discussion impactful, make sure to subscribe and follow along for
more episodes tackling the art and science of parenting
teenagers.


Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment
that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more
information, and a free consultation.