197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other
emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard
to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!


When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of
tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your
relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about
fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be
particularly challenging because admitting envy means
acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always
comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a
great opportunity for individuation and personal growth.


In this episode, we talk about:


— How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other
emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment


— The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting
to be what they are


— Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we
don't actually want


— The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to
our partners


— Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in
newly opened relationships with desire mismatches


— How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that
damages relationships


— Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid
triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually
solve anything)


— The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically
takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for


— How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want
when you're envious of something you don't actually desire


— The different experiences people of different genders have on
dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics


— Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back
to see the full picture can help dissolve it


Resources mentioned in this episode:


— Joli’s Jealousy Resource Center


JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning
& support. Registration is open now at
⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠


Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way


Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at
www.JoliQuiz.com


Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your
dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here


Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions