205 Hierarchy or Priority?

Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most
divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they
want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the
word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath
the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we
talk about relationship hierarchies?


In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy,
exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly
seeking when they use it. We unpack how power dynamics inevitably
enter the conversation, whether explicitly mentioned or not, and
how our childhood wounds and need for safety often drive our
desire for relationship structures that feel secure and
predictable.


This week, we’re unpacking:


— The split in the non-monogamy community around hierarchical
relationship structures


— How dictionary definitions of hierarchy often include power
dynamics that many people overlook


— The difference between wanting to feel important versus having
power over others' decisions


— Why we often default to hierarchical thinking when we're
feeling confused or unsafe


— How our desire for safety and predictability drives us toward
simplified relationship structures


— The painful reality that we can never truly know what tomorrow
will bring, regardless of our agreements


— Personal stories of how hierarchical dynamics played out in
real-life emergency situations


— How our inner child parts influence our desire for certainty
and safety in relationships


— The importance of examining what's actually underneath our
desire for hierarchy or primacy


— Why the language we choose matters, and how to be more
intentional about the words we use to describe our relationships


— The value of understanding our own relationship to power when
designing our relationship structures


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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions