176 Dismantling Defensiveness

Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm
in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing
yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy,
multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating.


Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained
response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re
helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re
sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those
sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still
feel safe.


Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer
fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your
relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open
the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your
life.


In this episode, we talk about:


— What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships


— The connection between defensiveness and ego protection


— How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns


— The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth


— Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive
reactions


— The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness


— How to use questions instead of statements to foster
understanding


— The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners


— Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding
over-explanation


— The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing
defensiveness


Resources mentioned in this episode:


— Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace


— Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap


— Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance


— Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training


— PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink


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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions