182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy?

Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution
to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous
relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our
attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem
from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized
biases.


The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real
places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we
want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you
can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by
biases and societal programming.


In this episode, we talk about:


— Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they
really represent— How jealousy masquerades as "preference" or
"boundaries" in gender-based rules— The role of internalized
biphobia and homophobia in creating these restrictions— Why
competition fears feel different with different genders (and what
that reveals)— The importance of examining where our feelings
about gender-based rules originate— How cultural programming
influences our comfort levels with different gender expressions—
Why agreements based on gender restrictions rarely serve either
partner— The connection between bisexual erasure and gender-based
relationship rules— Practical steps for working through the
jealousy beneath gender-based restrictions— How to move from
rigid rules to authentic agreements that serve everyone


Resources mentioned in this episode:


— The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through
relationship jealousy


— Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble"


— Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic


— Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy


— Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy
& Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin


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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions